Venting Nobody can be trusted.

[fallingbehind]

During Secondary, I was somewhat of a people pleaser and made as much friends as possible because I hoped that being liked would fix whatever issues I had. Now, Im 21 and all I have is aquaintences that I barely speak to, and my dad.

The truth is, you will lose people when you realise just how fake most people tend to be. There are people right now that will smile in your face, and then call you slurs on the internet. You cant trust anyone. The biggest threat to a womans saftey is the man who sleeps beside her, you cant trust the people you make vows to. You are more likely to be abused and murdered by someone you know, not a stranger. You cant trust anyone.

Understanding this simple fact, which is that you can NEVER EVER know what others are thinking, will destroy any ability to connect with anyone. I care for my dad, but I know he thinks I must be useless piece of shit. I cared about my "friends" but I know they thought I was ugly and desperate to be liked. Peoples actions and words reflect nothing infront of you, the truth lays in their thoughts and body language. Its over for me.

 

[Dejected 55]

Trusting others has always backfired on me. Sometimes worse than others. But irony of ironies... I have always been trustworthy. It's a curse... but people very often share things with me they do not share with anyone else. I have known things about people that would get them in trouble, and never shared these things even as they were twisting the knife in my back to hurt me. I don't retaliate with knowledge given to me in trust even if I dislike you later.

If things were shared with me because we were close... that would be one thing... the bond developed and a shared secret can be powerful. But usually it is just people sensing that I am a safe person to share things and I will not betray them even if they betray me.

Without sharing names, because I would never do that... I can share one story of several years back. I can only share as much as I am about to share because the truth ultimately came out despite this person's best efforts, so everyone who knows him knows so my speaking generically doesn't expose anything that isn't already common knowledge and I'm still not sharing his identity so you'd have to know him to know it is true, and if you know him you'd already know.

Many years ago at a time when I was out of work I had a friend who sometimes would come help me out. He was someone I knew from a previous job and we reconnected after a long absence. He confided in me a recent health scare and that had driven him to depression and he wanted and tried to kill himself before we had reconnected. He was married and had kids, but they did not anchor him or motivate him to survive. What did? By coincidence an old school crush reached out to him. He started having an affair. He created duplicate social media accounts just to talk to her behind his wife's back. He drove to meet this woman most weekends. He felt the need to try and describe in detail to me all the sexual activity.

He told me if he could have a future with this woman he would leave his wife and kids in a heartbeat. But he didn't want the aggravation of dividing up money and the house. Clearly he didn't care much for his wife or kids if his only concern was financial assets. This went on for months and months. I tried to get him to stop sharing things with me. I had met his wife before but I didn't know her... but any time I was at his house it was awkward, because I felt guilty knowing this horrible thing happening behind her back. Part of me wanted to tell her. But I felt like I couldn't share the secret and she wasn't a friend but I felt horrible he was getting away with this.

Unrelated to all of that... the gay marriage debate was heating up in the US, and my friend did not like it. He would post on social media how if gay people could get married it would ruin his marriage to his wife. I had to bite my tongue as I was thinking to myself, "Gay people aren't ruining your marriage, dude... you're doing that all by yourself with your affair!" But I couldn't say that... so we argued on social media about gay marriage. I was in favor, he was not. He eventually got so mad he comically declared me his "mortal enemy" which was hilarious because it was so insane... but we stopped talking after that. I couldn't share his secret, but I didn't want to keep hearing about it from a hypocrite who was so anti-gay that he would blame them for something he literally was ruining.

Anyway... months later, I learned from a mutual friend that his affair had come to surface. Apparently his affair's ex-husband wanted her back and had been following them and taking pictures and sent them to my friend's wife. This is why I am able to say as much as I am saying here, because all that became public at that point. I feel for his wife because for whatever reason, years later, they are still married. He's still an asshole. But there are still things I know that I keep to myself that were shared with me in confidence.

I wish I could have someone love me and share things with me... instead of everyone else sharing their dark secrets in me that I have to carry because I am that person that people seem to just know I can be trusted. It's a curse.