LemonadeArc
L'Arc
- Sep 11, 2023
- 11
It's been a while, I didn't actually thought I would find myself lurking through this home again. I fucked it up like a one in a life time show, went overboard with some pills in three occasions, didn't seem like it had any effect but then while attending medschool got so sick I got myself into the clinic, I tried to bail myself out by saying I didn't have the money but they knew what was going on so they just kept me there for a while. While in the ER, I just felt an overwhelming disgust from the doctors, something I cannot escape knowing that well some of them share with me the building. Then family came, my ex came, a friend came, they just saw me there, humiliated. Then the decisions came, the worst part, my family didn't want me anymore, only my mother was there for me in a sense, the biggest party wanted me gone for good, locked in some psych ward for the rest of my life. My other options were abandoning my studies and returning to my hometown or continuing my studies with the condition I committed to going to therapy twice I week. I simply cannot abandon my studies and as contradictory as it might sound, university is the only place a actually feel a sense of belonging.
I went with the later, but it was hard, my family as expected does not trust me, I don't have any sort of money so I depend on side gigs to actually have some freedom. Therapy is not doing me any good, there is something wrong with me that's sure, but my therapist doesn't seem to find an actual diagnosis, an actual thing we can work on, sometimes it is narcissism, sometimes bpd, esquizofrenia and sometimes it is even psychopathy. It is not like he doesn't want to label me, he simply does not have a clue, and that hits me hard considering he has 30 years of experience working on the most important mental health facility in the entire city (the second most important city in the country). And it saddens me, the only bright side is that he gave me his approval to seek an actual transition, HRT and all that, but that is a long way.
And life isn't getting any better, I'm stranged with someone precious to me, I miss her every single day, I write and write words she will never get to hear, my heart is broken in thousands of shards, why we could not be friends escapes my line of thought. And the money, I hate money, I started working with some awful being that straight up SAd me, I cannot escape them, I'm even forced to sell myself to them, everything is so sad.
I don't have any suicidal thoughts, but misery only grows stronger, I want to achieve my dream, yet everything is so hard on me.
I went with the later, but it was hard, my family as expected does not trust me, I don't have any sort of money so I depend on side gigs to actually have some freedom. Therapy is not doing me any good, there is something wrong with me that's sure, but my therapist doesn't seem to find an actual diagnosis, an actual thing we can work on, sometimes it is narcissism, sometimes bpd, esquizofrenia and sometimes it is even psychopathy. It is not like he doesn't want to label me, he simply does not have a clue, and that hits me hard considering he has 30 years of experience working on the most important mental health facility in the entire city (the second most important city in the country). And it saddens me, the only bright side is that he gave me his approval to seek an actual transition, HRT and all that, but that is a long way.
And life isn't getting any better, I'm stranged with someone precious to me, I miss her every single day, I write and write words she will never get to hear, my heart is broken in thousands of shards, why we could not be friends escapes my line of thought. And the money, I hate money, I started working with some awful being that straight up SAd me, I cannot escape them, I'm even forced to sell myself to them, everything is so sad.
I don't have any suicidal thoughts, but misery only grows stronger, I want to achieve my dream, yet everything is so hard on me.
