buzzkill
Zaki
- Apr 6, 2023
- 12
this is my first thread in here, so hey! I'll be venting for a bit.
I feel like my life won't ever get better no matter how hard I try.
I'm taking antidepressants and meds for bpd. I've recently doubled the amount (with my psychiatrist's consent). I'm always talking to my psychologist, who seems to genuinely care for me (she lets me call her even at 3 or 4 in the morning to talk to her if I'm having a breakdown).
But I still feel tired. I still feel like I'm not strong enough to keep going. Whenever I feel like this, I get so desperate because I realize that this feeling won't ever go away.
I want to get better, I really do, so why is it so hard?
I've drawn what I call "parts of myself": my child self in the middle, longing for love and care. my teen self on the left, full of hatred and spite for all of the people who used me and never cared for me, and... I guess my outside on the right. I'm tired. I don't want to keep going.
I just really want to rest. I've realized no matter how hard I try to distract myself, the pain will always be inside me, and it will always come back. I have no one to really talk to. All I feel towards people is anger, and that makes me push them alway. I feel angry with no reason at all. It comes naturally to me. And so I rather be alone.
I also feel so dirty, so disgusting. I don't want to think about the future. It scares me. The scars are already there. I was hurt all my life, and now the scars won't heal. No matter how much I try to heal it, it always bleeds again. And again. And again. I've come to accept that. I'm broken, like a worn out rag doll. And so no one will ever want to get close.
I feel like my life won't ever get better no matter how hard I try.
I'm taking antidepressants and meds for bpd. I've recently doubled the amount (with my psychiatrist's consent). I'm always talking to my psychologist, who seems to genuinely care for me (she lets me call her even at 3 or 4 in the morning to talk to her if I'm having a breakdown).
But I still feel tired. I still feel like I'm not strong enough to keep going. Whenever I feel like this, I get so desperate because I realize that this feeling won't ever go away.
I want to get better, I really do, so why is it so hard?
I've drawn what I call "parts of myself": my child self in the middle, longing for love and care. my teen self on the left, full of hatred and spite for all of the people who used me and never cared for me, and... I guess my outside on the right. I'm tired. I don't want to keep going.
I just really want to rest. I've realized no matter how hard I try to distract myself, the pain will always be inside me, and it will always come back. I have no one to really talk to. All I feel towards people is anger, and that makes me push them alway. I feel angry with no reason at all. It comes naturally to me. And so I rather be alone.
I also feel so dirty, so disgusting. I don't want to think about the future. It scares me. The scars are already there. I was hurt all my life, and now the scars won't heal. No matter how much I try to heal it, it always bleeds again. And again. And again. I've come to accept that. I'm broken, like a worn out rag doll. And so no one will ever want to get close.
