Venting new here, first vent <3

[grantaire]

hi I'm new here sorry if I'm doing a faux pas or using the site wrong

but I just wanna complain about like being suicidal and wanting to talk about it. I'm not at the point yet where I'm going to do it but it's coming up and I feel I can't talk about it because if I talk about it it means I want to be saved. it isn't like that. I want to be able to warn my friends that it's going to happen so they can be prepared. I don't want to be saved. In therapy they ask if they should be worried about me and I say no because they shouldn't today and I wouldn't be hospitalized historically by my symptoms. but like. I don't know what to say. my counselor today asked me to email her when I felt I was a harm to myself and I'm like why would I do that. if I was actually a harm to myself I would tell anyone cause id do it. if I'm asking for help I won't do it. "do x if You're actually suicidal" I will not.... because I'll actually be suicidal and I've been there before and I've failed because I've been uninformed and stupid... idk I guess I'm just looking for community maybe. I feel like a failure cause I haven't succeeded in the past and if I actually want to die if be dead by now but it's like actually a lot of effort to kill yourself and I think maybe I've figured it out but even tho I know it won't matter to me once I'm dead cause I'll be dead and I can't feel anything about it but it feels rude to kill myself so close to my sisters birthday so I have to wait a few weeks. and I keep talking to friends like can't wait for x (the winter Olympics, the next season of iwtv) and if I say I'm excited for a future thing that means I'm faking my suicidality for attention I guess. when I'm like practicing ways. but if I say something like that I'm just a bitch who's attention seeking. sorry idk. I'm hard on myself.

 

[telekon]

exactly! that's why i think the 988 number is such a scam. if i was actually about to kill myself, do you really think i'd be calling this number to try and stop it? if i was actually serious about killing myself, i would be killing myself, not calling for help. ironically, if you do ask for help, they will put you in a place that will ultimately destroy you to the point that you will actually want to kill yourself, for real this time.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Welcome! I'm so sorry your life leads you to this website. You are not doing anything wrong and SaSu is the safe place where you can vent and talk about your feelings without worring about cops or forcible hospitalization.
I don't think you're an attention seeker but I believe you are so struggling. While I can do little for you now, sending a hug

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Welcome to sasu.
Many of us have similar thoughts as you.

And I can't not comment after seeing your pfp - I'm a huge figure skating fan also. Since I seem to be stuck here, I can also admit I am looking forward to the winter Olympics and seeing Ilia win.

 

[grantaire]

exactly! that's why i think the 988 number is such a scam. if i was actually about to kill myself, do you really think i'd be calling this number to try and stop it? if i was actually serious about killing myself, i would be killing myself, not calling for help. ironically, if you do ask for help, they will put you in a place that will ultimately destroy you to the point that you will actually want to kill yourself, for real this time.

and like... so often they're just not helpful .... even when I call because I just need a distraction because I want to self harm I usually just end up bewildered and exasperated by the person taking my call. I also have multiple people I know who have either worked for or volunteered for crisis line and I'm like... yeah.... I don't want to talk to someone I know on crisis line.... also yeah don't get me started on psych wards/psych nurses they are.... evil.... like they will literally be like "oh you're not just drugging the patients to make your night shift easier? you should just drug them so they sleep" (Source, my mother is a new psych nurse and this is advice she was given by a fellow psych nurse when she first started)

Welcome to sasu.
Many of us have similar thoughts as you.

And I can't not comment after seeing your pfp - I'm a huge figure skating fan also. Since I seem to be stuck here, I can also admit I am looking forward to the winter Olympics and seeing Ilia win.

yessssss ilia <3 it's crazy cause I was enamoured by him last Olympics cause he was shitty and a teen and so cocky so obviously he became my fave and now he's actually good!! and setting records and winning championships and actually living up to the name quad god. the winter Olympics are like.... any time a professional is like "so what do you have to live for" or however they phrase it I'm like seeing ilia win gold