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- Dec 12, 2023
- 234
i never thought i would be the type of person to stay alive because of another person. not just because my desire to CTB has been strong and ongoing throughout my entire life, but because ive always had a hard time liking and feeling bad for people
however, i recently had a really honest conversation, and i cant do it now. i could not handle knowing ive done something that will carry with someone for the rest of their life, and in such a strong way. at least when it comes to someone i care about
ive never in my entire life cared about how my suicide would impact other people. ive had people show me concern, and it didnt phase me in the slightest. its a weird feeling to care so much
ive felt the same about other things in my life. ive pretended to have shame over drugs/alcohol/cutting, etc, because i feel like thats the typical reaction, but i never truly cared, had no interest in stopping, especially not for another person. but its the same with that now, i just cant do anything like that anymore, he doesnt want me to do that anymore either.
i still feel such a strong desire to CTB. for several reasons, which i cant share because im aware of how absurd they sound to most people. but i cant do it now. when there comes a time that i stop seeing him, because that is always inevitable for me, i will do it, and i know i will. but i dont know when this will be. apart of me wants it to be soon, and another part of me wants it to never happen
theres nothing for me here, but i cant do that to him. thats all im alive for. ill just have to silently move through life until i can do it
however, i recently had a really honest conversation, and i cant do it now. i could not handle knowing ive done something that will carry with someone for the rest of their life, and in such a strong way. at least when it comes to someone i care about
ive never in my entire life cared about how my suicide would impact other people. ive had people show me concern, and it didnt phase me in the slightest. its a weird feeling to care so much
ive felt the same about other things in my life. ive pretended to have shame over drugs/alcohol/cutting, etc, because i feel like thats the typical reaction, but i never truly cared, had no interest in stopping, especially not for another person. but its the same with that now, i just cant do anything like that anymore, he doesnt want me to do that anymore either.
i still feel such a strong desire to CTB. for several reasons, which i cant share because im aware of how absurd they sound to most people. but i cant do it now. when there comes a time that i stop seeing him, because that is always inevitable for me, i will do it, and i know i will. but i dont know when this will be. apart of me wants it to be soon, and another part of me wants it to never happen
theres nothing for me here, but i cant do that to him. thats all im alive for. ill just have to silently move through life until i can do it
