Story My Suicide Countdown Journal

[EmptyBlackSoul]

Goal: Find Peace Before My 30th Birthday

Why:

• Aging out of youth resources
• Ex (my rapist) stole years of my life I will never get back
• I'm alone and have lost hope in being loved intimately again
• No money. Barely living on disability.
• Life feels like it's falling apart every month

Reasons to live:

• My family, cat and friends
• My fans (I'm a writer)
• I'm apparently "gifted"
• Supposed chance of happiness within the time I have left.

[ENTRY: 222 Days Remaining]​

So adding onto the fact that I've been stressed and miserable, it would seem I've also gotten a little sick as well (most likely COVID). Now I can't go anywhere to ease my loneliness for a while. Yah, more insolation (sarcasm). I guess the best thing I can do is occupy myself with my writing for now. Maybe I can do that Novel November thing. I wanted to try some voice narration, but forgot my throat is sore.
I also recently suffered having my heart stepped on, but hopefully that just helps me become more numb to life's torment.

 

[WornOutLife]

Gratz on writing down this journal even though it might've not been easy.
Sorry about the bad things have happened to you but I really admire your guts and organization to go for it.

I'll probably do something similar. Ty 4 the inspiration <3.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 218 Days Remaining]

Legitimately, the one thing stopping me from ending it all right now is consistently taking my meds.

It's also probably because I'm still sick, but it's so apparent that I'm barely surviving with what little money I get every month.

I moved out a little north to help my family, but it's very obvious I'm off worse than I was. And if I wasn't sick, it wouldn't be so bad, but with the recent emotional stress taking a toll on my mental health, it's left me broken inside.

Maybe it's because I can't access Tinder right now (their verification camera thing doesn't work for me for whatever reason), but the dating scene here has been dreadful due to my more 'remote' location.

And even if I had a regular cuddle buddy, it would help so much with my mood. I've been told I'm a "hot girl" but it means nothing if frequent travelling isn't reasonable.

I'm already planning to move back to Toronto in January but I would honestly prefer it if I found a way to make where I am work out.

I'd also like to remind my birth mother that I didn't consent to being born into this world. I'm regularly upset that people frequently bring kids into this collapsing world when they could help the ones already here by giving them a home.

Sigh. I guess the one positive in the last few days is that I've been able to write three book chapters. I just took my meds at 3PM, so it's going to be a slow start to my day, but hopefully it'll be enough to make a good chapter to help ease the torment of
my depression.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 201 Days Remaining]

My weekend date plans were actually starting to look exciting...until a snowstorm came and ruined all that, so now I'm home alone again with my thoughts.

With how bad my depression is getting, I'm beginning to think my meds are either insufficient, or just not working like they used to. It feels like I'm constantly swimming in the void in my head now. I'm even having trouble writing my book even with my ADHD meds.

Right now, I'm listening to F4F ASMR audios in the hope that it can at least help my state of mind a little. And my cat has joined me in bed to help with my depression, so that's a plus.

But for tonight, I'm hoping to sleep longer, hence why I just took sleeping pills. Even nightmares sound better than enduring the lonely torment of reality right now.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 193 Days Remaining]

Everyday it feels like I'm just drowning underwater. Even with my ADHD meds, I'm overwhelmed by just how much things need to be done.

I caught back up to the One Piece anime recently, and in it, the scientist Dr. Vegapunk had to divide himself into other bodies because his one body couldn't keep with all the ideas and things he wanted to do. That's what it feels like when I can actually think while medicated. But unlike Dr. Vegapunk who is backed by the world government, I'm just a girl (more so non-binary though) who's trying to survive the world that feels like it's collapsing everyday around me.

Either I'm drowning in my own mind due to my ADHD, or I'm overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things that need to be done to better my situation.

It's exhausting, and it makes me sympathize why people turn to drugs to not deal with reality (I can't even afford the luxury of drugs).

However, there is some good that has happened recently:

• A friend gave me money for a new drawing tablet I needed for my work as an Illustrator (I had accidently broken my last one due pins in my bag damaging the screen, and it was at such a bad time when I needed to immerse myself in drawing to help my mental health). Words can't express my gratitude
• One of the prettiest girls I've met, and who shockingly also has a crush on me, is coming over today. I'm still planning our day, but I'm so nervous thinking about it, haha.
• I had a table at an author event yesterday and it went pretty well, considering I wasn't as prepared as I hoped due to constantly being exhausted with life stuff. A girl said she'll ask the library to buy a copy of my book
• And lastly, a poster I got for my room as a little treat is out for delivery today, so I'm hyped for that as well.

It seems Christmas 2025 will at least be better than I hoped. I really needed a win somewhere in life right now to feel like everyday wasn't a fight for survival.