Story My story

[softlysavage79]

Damn, where to start? There's nothing special about my story, just another flavor of the same thing I imagine. I'm 46 and I'm tired. My son committed suicide in May. He was 18. I have an incurable condition called hidradenitis suppurativa, which is painful, and as its stage three its also fairly unrelenting, so I am always having to work and life through pain, which is getting harder to keep doing. I have always been very independent and self-sufficient. I have always worked hard my entire life, whether its been two jobs, three jobs, jobs with full-time school, while also raising 4 kids. I've always been the strong one, the one that everybody has always said how do you keep going? How have you gone through everything you've gone through without breaking? I'm great at self regulation. I process through trauma cleanly. My metacognition is on point. I relate well with others. I have high emotional intelligence and I survive pretty much everything that gets tossed at me and I just keep going, and in fact I keep going while retaining my softness, my empathy, my ability to see with clarity and digest reality without distortion and the usual self protective maladaptions that help people to get through this messed up life more or less intact. However, just because I haven't gained any maladaptive coping mechanisms doesn't mean that I am doing well. If anything that's a downside. I see everything and process everything raw and undiluted. I can hold the pain and wonder of all of it and stay centered. I grew the capacity to hold it well. However I think seeing too clearly is also a problem. I think there's two different kinds of breaking. I think people break when the capacity is exceeded which is literally not by choice but by wiring, and I also think there is another kind of breaking where the capacity is seemingly endless again just via whatever wiring our skin suit ended up with, but the will breaks instead. I am 100% in the later kind of breaking. I can continue on, I can handle it, but I no longer want to as a matter of choice and too much clarity. Sometimes I wish I would break in the other way. It would feel less shameful and it would have afforded me some comfort that isn't found in my way of being in the world. I just find it meaningless to be here. Just because I can do the hard things doesn't mean I want to anymore. To me life is just meant to be an experience. See, feel, taste, all of the things so to speak, and I feel I have done that. There isn't any meaning other than the meaning we give it. Yes I still enjoy the fact that I have laughs with friends/family. Yes I enjoy good food. There are good things to experience always. However, I am tired of the chaos that comes with being human and the upkeep of surviving fully intact in a world that is far from ideal. The good experiences just aren't enough to make me want to stay anymore. Working through pain for the rest of my life, watching the world slide into pure chaos, continuing to be logical and grounded with clarity while bumping up against other people who have lost their ability to stay logical, clear, and grounded and somehow try to leave them better than I found them or atleast not add to their pain, because as we all know every human failing comes from self-protection in some form. It's all taxing. So I am planning to ctb. I am worried about those I'll be leaving behind. I have told everyone in my inner circle as I do not want them blindsided. We have had deep discussions and I have allowed for them to process it and ask questions and say their goodbyes. Doesn't mean I don't worry about how they will handle it even if I have overwhelmingly been supported in my decision as a matter of respect for my own agency. They are all of course heartbroken, but also understand my reasonings and that it's not a snap decision etc. I still feel guilty however. I do have life insurance that is payable for suicide (had the policy long enough), so that the eases my mind some on the practical front, however I know how hard navigating life is and I feel like I am shortchanging them by not going through it with them together. That being said I am not saving my adult children from grieving me. Logically I will exit this life before them as a matter of how life works. They will just be going through it earlier rather than later however, if I do this myself now I will save myself suffering, and I will have the ability to leave while affording them some financial protection that I would not otherwise be able to give them as well. Overall, I'm solid in my choice, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to know that and choosing not to go through life with them while I still can. I also feel somewhat guilty that I am tossing in the towel after surviving everything I have as well as I have, like I'm tossing that gift down the drain. (Survived open brain surgery 100% intact, etc etc etc) Honestly, just wishing everybody as much peace as they can possibly get.

 

[sanctionedusage]

Just because I can do the hard things doesn't mean I want to anymore.

people are sick of being told how mentally strong and emotionally/psychologically aware they are as some kind of 'consolation.' i personally don't want to be strong; i want to rest. it's another area where being good at something just leaves you with more work in the long run, and the more life seems to throw at you to process. i guess it's better than dealing with the same thing but as an emotionally stunted [wo]manbaby, but the point is that the exhaustion catches up to you either way. tiredness is the best description of my motive, too.

 

[softlysavage79]

I think it's a double edge sword honestly. Being 100% aware and being able to work through things well cognitively and handle a larger cognitive load is great and all, but I can't say that I don't sometimes wish I had the ability to remove myself from reality in a way, or blunt realities effects so as not to deal with it in a raw eyes wide open responsible hundred percent invested kind of way I think that there's definitely pros for both like for me clarity honesty and the ability to see things as they are from many perspectives is important so there is that, but also, I can't say that I don't sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better if I was able to gaslight myself or take on distorted perspectives in a way that is more comforting. I think that those adaptations exist for a reason, people disengage from reality and choose narrow lens views that get hardened to a specific shape because they are protective and comforting, but either way life is rough and it is exhausting. there is a special kind of exhausting that comes with seeing everything for what it is and all the underpinnings and connections of everything all the time and it's further exhausting by staying responsible to one's self and others as far as reducing further pain and living with integrity in a world that is chaotic by design.

 

[AcrobaticSilky]

Damn, where to start? There's nothing special about my story, just another flavor of the same thing I imagine. I'm 46 and I'm tired. My son committed suicide in May. He was 18. I have an incurable condition called hidradenitis suppurativa, which is painful, and as its stage three its also fairly unrelenting, so I am always having to work and life through pain, which is getting harder to keep doing. I have always been very independent and self-sufficient. I have always worked hard my entire life, whether its been two jobs, three jobs, jobs with full-time school, while also raising 4 kids. I've always been the strong one, the one that everybody has always said how do you keep going? How have you gone through everything you've gone through without breaking? I'm great at self regulation. I process through trauma cleanly. My metacognition is on point. I relate well with others. I have high emotional intelligence and I survive pretty much everything that gets tossed at me and I just keep going, and in fact I keep going while retaining my softness, my empathy, my ability to see with clarity and digest reality without distortion and the usual self protective maladaptions that help people to get through this messed up life more or less intact. However, just because I haven't gained any maladaptive coping mechanisms doesn't mean that I am doing well. If anything that's a downside. I see everything and process everything raw and undiluted. I can hold the pain and wonder of all of it and stay centered. I grew the capacity to hold it well. However I think seeing too clearly is also a problem. I think there's two different kinds of breaking. I think people break when the capacity is exceeded which is literally not by choice but by wiring, and I also think there is another kind of breaking where the capacity is seemingly endless again just via whatever wiring our skin suit ended up with, but the will breaks instead. I am 100% in the later kind of breaking. I can continue on, I can handle it, but I no longer want to as a matter of choice and too much clarity. Sometimes I wish I would break in the other way. It would feel less shameful and it would have afforded me some comfort that isn't found in my way of being in the world. I just find it meaningless to be here. Just because I can do the hard things doesn't mean I want to anymore. To me life is just meant to be an experience. See, feel, taste, all of the things so to speak, and I feel I have done that. There isn't any meaning other than the meaning we give it. Yes I still enjoy the fact that I have laughs with friends/family. Yes I enjoy good food. There are good things to experience always. However, I am tired of the chaos that comes with being human and the upkeep of surviving fully intact in a world that is far from ideal. The good experiences just aren't enough to make me want to stay anymore. Working through pain for the rest of my life, watching the world slide into pure chaos, continuing to be logical and grounded with clarity while bumping up against other people who have lost their ability to stay logical, clear, and grounded and somehow try to leave them better than I found them or atleast not add to their pain, because as we all know every human failing comes from self-protection in some form. It's all taxing. So I am planning to ctb. I am worried about those I'll be leaving behind. I have told everyone in my inner circle as I do not want them blindsided. We have had deep discussions and I have allowed for them to process it and ask questions and say their goodbyes. Doesn't mean I don't worry about how they will handle it even if I have overwhelmingly been supported in my decision as a matter of respect for my own agency. They are all of course heartbroken, but also understand my reasonings and that it's not a snap decision etc. I still feel guilty however. I do have life insurance that is payable for suicide (had the policy long enough), so that the eases my mind some on the practical front, however I know how hard navigating life is and I feel like I am shortchanging them by not going through it with them together. That being said I am not saving my adult children from grieving me. Logically I will exit this life before them as a matter of how life works. They will just be going through it earlier rather than later however, if I do this myself now I will save myself suffering, and I will have the ability to leave while affording them some financial protection that I would not otherwise be able to give them as well. Overall, I'm solid in my choice, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to know that and choosing not to go through life with them while I still can. I also feel somewhat guilty that I am tossing in the towel after surviving everything I have as well as I have, like I'm tossing that gift down the drain. (Survived open brain surgery 100% intact, etc etc etc) Honestly, just wishing everybody as much peace as they can possibly get.

Thank you for sharing your story. You were right in your comment on how awareness can be a burden in a world like this. I also plan to CTB for non-impulsive, but philosophical and practical reasons. I preemptively regret the pain and grief I will cause those who care about me, but that regret isn't enough to justify more of this. We're all prisoners of the human experience, forced to be conscious in a high maintenance body that's inevitably going to fail and rot. Even the most fortunate are still subject and slaves to their biology and desires. They can never truly be satisfied, let alone the vast majority of humans who live much more torturously. Ideally, no one would be born into this situation, but due to the ignorance of the masses and propaganda of the elites, such an outcome is unlikely. That being said, you don't owe anyone any more suffering. This world is going to keep on spinning long after everyone we know is gone and none of us or our pain will be remembered. Objectively, the best thing someone can do for themselves is to CTB as soon and painlessly as possible in order to prevent further suffering. If anything, seeing someone as level headed as you defy the commonly pushed narrative that the act of suicide is only done by the mentally unstable, hopefully might serve as an inspiration for them to also choose their way out of this mess.

We could keep going and continue to overcome each obstacle that presents itself, but the question people refuse to truly examine is why. There's no real point to consciousness. I personally think that it's most logical to assume that the universe is largely deterministic and that free will doesn't truly exist, as all actions and variables are the results of preceding actions and variables. Essentially, this leaves life as the equivalent to watching and feeling the actions of character in a movie that already has a set script. The movie has already started and you experience the experiences of the character, processing even the character's internal monologue as your own, giving yourself a false sense of agency in the story.
Sorry for getting kind of meta, but all of this is to say that life is pointless af, especially sentient life, and that it's in all of our best interest to CTB. Your loved ones will come to the same conclusion or they won't. None of it is really on you as you have no agency over your actions or circumstances.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

Thank you for sharing your story, friend. I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I hope you find peace.

 

[softlysavage79]

Thank you for sharing your story. You were right in your comment on how awareness can be a burden in a world like this. I also plan to CTB for non-impulsive, but philosophical and practical reasons. I preemptively regret the pain and grief I will cause those who care about me, but that regret isn't enough to justify more of this. We're all prisoners of the human experience, forced to be conscious in a high maintenance body that's inevitably going to fail and rot. Even the most fortunate are still subject and slaves to their biology and desires. They can never truly be satisfied, let alone the vast majority of humans who live much more torturously. Ideally, no one would be born into this situation, but due to the ignorance of the masses and propaganda of the elites, such an outcome is unlikely. That being said, you don't owe anyone any more suffering. This world is going to keep on spinning long after everyone we know is gone and none of us or our pain will be remembered. Objectively, the best thing someone can do for themselves is to CTB as soon and painlessly as possible in order to prevent further suffering. If anything, seeing someone as level headed as you defy the commonly pushed narrative that the act of suicide is only done by the mentally unstable, hopefully might serve as an inspiration for them to also choose their way out of this mess.

We could keep going and continue to overcome each obstacle that presents itself, but the question people refuse to truly examine is why. There's no real point to consciousness. I personally think that it's most logical to assume that the universe is largely deterministic and that free will doesn't truly exist, as all actions and variables are the results of preceding actions and variables. Essentially, this leaves life as the equivalent to watching and feeling the actions of character in a movie that already has a set script. The movie has already started and you experience the experiences of the character, processing even the character's internal monologue as your own, giving yourself a false sense of agency in the story.
Sorry for getting kind of meta, but all of this is to say that life is pointless af, especially sentient life, and that it's in all of our best interest to CTB. Your loved ones will come to the same conclusion or they won't. None of it is really on you as you have no agency over your actions or circumstances.

Thank you so much for your response I agree with you and it's nice to feel understood….truly. I have most things ready, my time is coming very soon and I just hope that I have the courage to continue through without flinching. Wishing you and everyone else peace, in whatever ways we can find it.

Thank you for sharing your story, friend. I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I hope you find peace.

Thank you…I wish peace for you as well.

 

[AcrobaticSilky]

Thank you so much for your response I agree with you and it's nice to feel understood….truly. I have most things ready, my time is coming very soon and I just hope that I have the courage to continue through without flinching. Wishing you and everyone else peace, in whatever ways we can find it.

Thank you…I wish peace for you as well.

Flinching and being terrified to go through with whatever method you choose is I guess the most normal reaction. There are mostly peaceful ways that exist, but those aren't widely available in order to maintain the wage slave class at the bottom of the societal pyramid scheme. As a result, those of us not content to suffer until we physically can't anymore have to resort to brutal and unsure methods that have a high risk of leaving us seriously disabled and infinitely more miserable if not institutionalized.
The situation really sucks, so don't feel bad about any emotions that you feel or for how long you postpone it for. No one's judgements or opinions matter except your own especially when it comes to your suffering. You move on your own timeline and don't owe even going through with the act to anyone else. Whether you end up changing your mind, expediting the process, or anything in between, I also wish you peace in whatever form you're able to find it.

 

[softlysavage79]

Flinching and being terrified to go through with whatever method you choose is I guess the most normal reaction. There are mostly peaceful ways that exist, but those aren't widely available in order to maintain the wage slave class at the bottom of the societal pyramid scheme. As a result, those of us not content to suffer until we physically can't anymore have to resort to brutal and unsure methods that have a high risk of leaving us seriously disabled and infinitely more miserable if not institutionalized.
The situation really sucks, so don't feel bad about any emotions that you feel or for how long you postpone it for. No one's judgements or opinions matter except your own especially when it comes to your suffering. You move on your own timeline and don't owe even going through with the act to anyone else. Whether you end up changing your mind, expediting the process, or anything in between, I also wish you peace in whatever form you're able to find it.

The situation does suck, and it's getting worse at every turn. I feel like I'm just faking it through life at this point. I'm just existentially exhausted and tired of the game called survival. I got my 40 cu ft nitrogen tank, reflgulator/flowmeter, and hose ready. Now it's just a matter of a buying a wrench to tighten the high pressure connection as it currently leaks a bit, and making an exit bag. It just sucks because I still don't have an entire grasp on how tight/loose to make it. Obviously I don't want oxygen making its way in and prolonging things, and I also don't want co2 building up to make it extra rough either. Finding that sweet spot currently feels like guess work, however I am hopeful that being upright will cause the gas density to work in my favor

 

[AcrobaticSilky]

The situation does suck, and it's getting worse at every turn. I feel like I'm just faking it through life at this point. I'm just existentially exhausted and tired of the game called survival. I got my 40 cu ft nitrogen tank, reflgulator/flowmeter, and hose ready. Now it's just a matter of a buying a wrench to tighten the high pressure connection as it currently leaks a bit, and making an exit bag. It just sucks because I still don't have an entire grasp on how tight/loose to make it. Obviously I don't want oxygen making its way in and prolonging things, and I also don't want co2 building up to make it extra rough either. Finding that sweet spot currently feels like guess work, however I am hopeful that being upright will cause the gas density to work in my favor

You may be able to get some guidance if you tag a post with the methods heading

 

[metfan647]

I struggle to find the word to describe how I felt reading this. The most honest thing is to write that I 'enjoyed' it but I wouldn't want to be perceived as getting 'joy' from your misfortunes. You're clearly a very intelligent and rational person. I commend you for taking on a huge amount of responsibility and getting to the point where you are. Nothing but admiration for the resilience you've shown to ovecome some of your health issues. In the words of Mike Tyson, I "wouldn't last 2 minutes in your world".

Edit: some of your health issues.

 

[softlysavage79]

I struggle to find the word to describe how I felt reading this. The most honest thing is to write that I 'enjoyed' it but I wouldn't want to be perceived as getting 'joy' from your misfortunes. You're clearly a very intelligent and rational person. I commend you for taking on a huge amount of responsibility and getting to the point where you are. Nothing but admiration for the resilience you've shown to ovecome some of your health issues. In the words of Mike Tyson, I "wouldn't last 2 minutes in your world".

Edit: some of your health issues.

Funny story. Being viewed as rational and intelligent seems to be something that's very subjective to the receiving audience. My son's father tried to get me committed on Saturday morning I was detained after they did a welfare check while I was sleeping, based on reports that I had a propane tank that I was intending to use nefariously. I told them I did not have a propane tank at all let alone an intention to use one. Which was 100% true, as it was Nitrogen. They asked to check my apartment and I declined to give them access. So they consulted a crisis center for an over the phone evaluation and they recommended I be detained specifically because I would not let them have access to my apartment to invalidate the claim. (First off since when is it illegal to have a propane tank anyhow?) I was taken to hospital one to be medically cleared, then transferred to a psychiatric hospital. My 72 hour hold was suppose to start ticking tomorrow. (As weekends and holidays do not count) However, I was released Sunday night after my first conversation with the psychiatrist.

She started the conversation in the most Freudian lean ever. "Let's start at the beginning, how was your life growing up? Was your father around? How did that make you feel?" Etc. it was the most rudimentary kind of analysis ever, and I calmly interrupted her and said plainly, let's not waste each others time. These are my current stressors, these are my current coping skills and mechanisms that I utilize. I have great metacognition and I process trauma cleanly. I am not depressed or anxious in the traditional ways you would like to label me as. What I have would be more of an existential exhaustion and a lack of meaning making grounded in lucid observation than any kind of maladaptive chemical or emotional coping problem. My "anxiety" stems from a red lining nervous system as a matter of wiring and not fear of fear or thoughts that are pesky, I have been wired this way my entire life and it has zero to do with my thought process, it is more nervous system dysfunction/autonomic storms and I manage it well via cognitive override and certain things that support my nervous system when it is overstimulated. I have often thought about suicide at various points across the last 8 months, not because I am incapable of enduring my life, as I am very capable of it, rather I have thought about it because the balance sheet is coming up insufficient for reasoning to endure for endurances sake via logical analysis while accounting for all perspectives. This isn't a thought brought about via crisis in a temporary or situationally dependent way. Respectfully, I am not in crisis as you would define it, and there is nothing you can offer me that changes the balance sheet that I haven't already carefully analyzed and considered. I have not acted on it as of yet, but regardless of whatever treatments you would deem potentially useful, with all due respect, you cannot erase my worldview to suit yours when it is grounded in reality and common sense, not with cbt, not with medications, and certainly not by institutionalizing me to force feed me information I already utilize heavily in my everyday life. Keeping me here only serves to knock down any protective factors and life stability that I continuously uphold. Which of course further factors into my careful accounting on benefit/risk of enduring to endure. If you have nothing to offer me besides risking my job, finances, and housing, by keeping me from upholding those aspects and you do not have anything to add to my robust skillset, or a non addicting medication that will magically change the fact that I am in pain daily from an unrelenting disease that is incurable, or a way to mitigate the fact that I need to work 2 FT jobs to support my own existence while in that pain, then I would imagine that therapy, regardless of scope isn't going to be of any benefit, and declaring me crazy for having very rational thoughts just because they are not socially acceptable seems to be counterintuitive to helpful and is actually harmful in the context of removing me from the very real work of managing my life. I was not actively in an attempt to end my life, I was sleeping for work, and this is all based upon a call you recieved, as such I am not in an imminent crisis situation requiring your "protection". I do not believe you have grounds to hold me.

She went and deferred for about an hour or two and came back telling me I was being discharged.

I cannot say that I thought it would go that way, as I did the exact opposite of what would be the usual approach to the situation, but it did feel a bit validating. Meanwhile, my tank, regulator/flowmeter and hose magically disappeared from my apartment while I was at the hospital and I now have a pissed off ex who is completely miffed about me being released.

Side note, after approximately 7 hours with the same officer going through that process, he told the hospital staff that I am the most cooperative involuntary commitment he has had in all his 10 years and put in his report that I did not appear suicidal in any way.

I am home, it wasn't a horrific experience. Almost a mini vacation in a way, outside of the fact that it was a very expensive vacation I did not choose and could not afford.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sorry to hear. This is another reminder of why we cannot tell anyone except each other. Can't. That's another reason why it's so good that this site exists. At least you can just buy more supplies whenever you're ready.

 

[softlysavage79]

I'm sorry to hear. This is another reminder of why we cannot tell anyone except each other. Can't. That's another reason why it's so good that this site exists. At least you can just buy more supplies whenever you're ready.

Yeah but the supplies were fairly expensive and I had to go to specific places to acquire them. Not sure I want to spend the money or take the time to show up at the same places so soon. Perhaps my backup, inexpensive but less desired, method may be something that I might consider. It really bothers me that free will and someone's autonomy are often overridden by people who think they know better than you what you should and shouldn't do and why.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Yeah but the supplies were fairly expensive and I had to go to specific places to acquire them. Not sure I want to spend the money or take the time to show up at the same places so soon. Perhaps my backup, inexpensive but less desired, method may be something that I might consider. It really bothers me that free will and someone's autonomy are often overridden by people who think they know better than you what you should and shouldn't do and why.

I'm sorry . There is no way for them to understand until/unless they find themselves in our positions. I have the same method, so I get that, I kind of feel like I have one shot with it & that's it. May I ask what your backup is? I also have a plan B, but every once in a while I think it should be my plan A.

 

[softlysavage79]

I'm sorry . There is no way for them to understand until/unless they find themselves in our positions. I have the same method, so I get that, I kind of feel like I have one shot with it & that's it. May I ask what your backup is? I also have a plan B, but every once in a while I think it should be my plan A

Plan A was Nitrogen with a side of Ativan and THC just to calm the nerves, and a light fast and a dose of zofran prior to ensure that I did not vomit as this can sometimes happen.

Plan B is partial hanging.

I'm sorry . There is no way for them to understand until/unless they find themselves in our positions. I have the same method, so I get that, I kind of feel like I have one shot with it & that's it. May I ask what your backup is? I also have a plan B, but every once in a while I think it should be my plan A.

What is your plan B?

 

[metfan647]

Funny story. Being viewed as rational and intelligent seems to be something that's very subjective to the receiving audience. My son's father tried to get me committed on Saturday morning I was detained after they did a welfare check while I was sleeping, based on reports that I had a propane tank that I was intending to use nefariously. I told them I did not have a propane tank at all let alone an intention to use one. Which was 100% true, as it was Nitrogen. They asked to check my apartment and I declined to give them access. So they consulted a crisis center for an over the phone evaluation and they recommended I be detained specifically because I would not let them have access to my apartment to invalidate the claim. (First off since when is it illegal to have a propane tank anyhow?) I was taken to hospital one to be medically cleared, then transferred to a psychiatric hospital. My 72 hour hold was suppose to start ticking tomorrow. (As weekends and holidays do not count) However, I was released Sunday night after my first conversation with the psychiatrist.

She started the conversation in the most Freudian lean ever. "Let's start at the beginning, how was your life growing up? Was your father around? How did that make you feel?" Etc. it was the most rudimentary kind of analysis ever, and I calmly interrupted her and said plainly, let's not waste each others time. These are my current stressors, these are my current coping skills and mechanisms that I utilize. I have great metacognition and I process trauma cleanly. I am not depressed or anxious in the traditional ways you would like to label me as. What I have would be more of an existential exhaustion and a lack of meaning making grounded in lucid observation than any kind of maladaptive chemical or emotional coping problem. My "anxiety" stems from a red lining nervous system as a matter of wiring and not fear of fear or thoughts that are pesky, I have been wired this way my entire life and it has zero to do with my thought process, it is more nervous system dysfunction/autonomic storms and I manage it well via cognitive override and certain things that support my nervous system when it is overstimulated. I have often thought about suicide at various points across the last 8 months, not because I am incapable of enduring my life, as I am very capable of it, rather I have thought about it because the balance sheet is coming up insufficient for reasoning to endure for endurances sake via logical analysis while accounting for all perspectives. This isn't a thought brought about via crisis in a temporary or situationally dependent way. Respectfully, I am not in crisis as you would define it, and there is nothing you can offer me that changes the balance sheet that I haven't already carefully analyzed and considered. I have not acted on it as of yet, but regardless of whatever treatments you would deem potentially useful, with all due respect, you cannot erase my worldview to suit yours when it is grounded in reality and common sense, not with cbt, not with medications, and certainly not by institutionalizing me to force feed me information I already utilize heavily in my everyday life. Keeping me here only serves to knock down any protective factors and life stability that I continuously uphold. Which of course further factors into my careful accounting on benefit/risk of enduring to endure. If you have nothing to offer me besides risking my job, finances, and housing, by keeping me from upholding those aspects and you do not have anything to add to my robust skillset, or a non addicting medication that will magically change the fact that I am in pain daily from an unrelenting disease that is incurable, or a way to mitigate the fact that I need to work 2 FT jobs to support my own existence while in that pain, then I would imagine that therapy, regardless of scope isn't going to be of any benefit, and declaring me crazy for having very rational thoughts just because they are not socially acceptable seems to be counterintuitive to helpful and is actually harmful in the context of removing me from the very real work of managing my life. I was not actively in an attempt to end my life, I was sleeping for work, and this is all based upon a call you recieved, as such I am not in an imminent crisis situation requiring your "protection". I do not believe you have grounds to hold me.

She went and deferred for about an hour or two and came back telling me I was being discharged.

I cannot say that I thought it would go that way, as I did the exact opposite of what would be the usual approach to the situation, but it did feel a bit validating. Meanwhile, my tank, regulator/flowmeter and hose magically disappeared from my apartment while I was at the hospital and I now have a pissed off ex who is completely miffed about me being released.

Side note, after approximately 7 hours with the same officer going through that process, he told the hospital staff that I am the most cooperative involuntary commitment he has had in all his 10 years and put in his report that I did not appear suicidal in any way.

I am home, it wasn't a horrific experience. Almost a mini vacation in a way, outside of the fact that it was a very expensive vacation I did not choose and could not afford.

Quid pro quo.

I praise you for your logic and you, in return, treat me to more rational writings.