Thanks for the reply and kind words. The thing is, I was able to piece together his last days and know he planned it at least two days ahead of time. We also had a long talk a couple weeks before. I had always been loving, kind, understanding and fully supportive of my children but on that day I took a different approach. It was partly due to anger at my brother of which I'm now estranged. But he got involved in a way and when talking with my son I was so angry at my brother that I raised my voice and said things I normally wouldn't have said. I never went back and apologized and explained that what I said wasn't true.... I also know from witnesses that he pondered his final act for between 1.5-3 hrs. He was away from home and I didn't even realize it I thought he was in his bedroom, perhaps asleep. Even when the police came at midnight it didn't occur to me that he was why.
My predicament not only involves my anguish over the loss. But I have bad depression as well (in the family I guess) and have been sick for 7 years, unable to work and barely leave my house. My son helped take care of me..... I've never contemplated suicide for this long (days in a row) and actually made plans (but tried two spontaneous acts many years ago). Even though I still think about it I want to try and find out if my son posted here. Do you or DOES ANYONE know of a way I might find out? Is there a search for email users? Can I find the months of July and August 2025 in the forum? Regarding his choice to leave us, I'm also on a quest to change the laws/policy in that regard. *I'm not sure how much I can say here.
Thank you for the kind words and advise. I know what was said and how I said it though and firmly believe it was bc I so tenderly cared for him during years of SI and depression that he survived it. He was even doing better until I snapped. The guilt but moreso the pain from loss is overpowering. Blessings and peace
please, please read this in a calm and sympathetic voice
but, how the hell did you not raise your voice on many other occasions. you have depression, had suicide attempts, you are not well, you cannot work, and 1 of 3 people who you probably love most, and 1 of 2 who you love totally unconditionally was in a very dark place - maybe as dark as you were, maybe darker. there is no way a rational person would not lose their cool at least once, but even more often
there are many threads on here with people complaining that their parents were blase, sarcastic or just nasty when they told them about their suicidal thoughts. now, not for one second am i suggesting those kids should be thanking their parents for that response, but looking from the other side too, what is the parent supposed to say and think. their whole reason for living is falling apart before their eyes and there is nothing they can do about it. you did nothing wrong. you are not to blame. if what you told us is true, then you were an angel. you probably already know from your own attempts, that if someone is going to take their life, there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. all that can be achieved is delaying the inevitable. perhaps you tried the tough love approach, after trying the softer approach, and that is totally understandable too
most people will not try to take their lives on a whim. normally it is planned out, or at the very least, they might pull out of an attempt that was well planned, and then seem to do it on the spur of the moment a little later, when in reality it was still planned. many people do seem to ponder things on the edge. there is no right answer, if suggesting he was having second thoughts, but perhaps he was thinking about you and how he doesn't want you to hurt. sadly, while in the process, most people cannot stop themselves and try another day, even if logic and love keep telling them otherwise. it takes a lot of courage to attempt, and once in a zone, no one really wants to get out of it
i just saw how your son passed. jumping takes the most amazing courage of almost any of the attempts. you can trick yourself into pulling a trigger, falling into a noose, electrocuting yourself and many other things, but to jump is just so freaking brave. we had a lady here who had survived an eight story drop, with horrible injuries and sadly, she left us almost 4 weeks ago. when it comes to jumping, it seems most people spend a lot of time loitering and pondering. if nothing else, because of the amazing amount of bravery needed
you are in a unique situation, albeit a horrible one, in the sense that you have seen both sides of suicide
you could not have known what he was going to do. it seems your husband and son do not know you are on this site or thinking of your own suicide, so you already know that we can hide things very well from those who love us
raising your voice or even saying things you wouldn't normally say, is not the reason he did it. you are not to blame. you are a parent, not a best friend. sometimes parents do raise their voices out of love for their child. you cannot hold yourself responsible for what happened. you said you would never forgive yourself, and nor should you - because there is nothing to forgive yourself for. you loved your son, you tried your hardest to look after him and keep him from harm
my cousin took his own life almost 11 years ago to the day, and while i am not comparing cousins with children, all i could do was hope that he got everything he was hoping for. with a friend i lost in a car accident 26 years ago (in 7 days), i always wish he was alright, but i cannot wish my cousin was still here, because he didn't want to be. by all means, you will never stop missing your son, but with suicide there are so many extra unfair layers on top of just losing someone. it will never be possible to be happy your son got what he wanted, but if trying to think along those lines helps, then try. that is not trying to be flippant, but i know from my own experiences, and you probably also know from yours, that you do not want to hurt the people you love. you want them to be happy for you, even though that is close to impossible. at least you have seen it from the other side, so any little thing that can make you smile for just 1 second is worth it. suicide is selfish, but so is wanting someone else to exist so we do not feel sad, although being a parent or more specifically a mum, the levels of devastation are so much higher
Btw I have a psychiatrist, a therapist and attend a LOSS group (survivors of suicide). My husband and other son are quite different. I know they feel pain but they aren't suffering. I can hear them laugh. Sometimes when I cry he asks me what's wrong when it should be obvious. They both also told me quite firmly that they would not talk about him. Not just about how he died but not talk about him at all. It's put a lot of strain onto our marriage, etc.
sadly, in your situation, standard logic does not make sense, but you must have an idea by now that men do not talk about their problems. with the lady i mentioned earlier, i couldn't even look at her goodbye thread. we have to block it out. it is just what we do. both your husband and son are probably suffering so much too, but do not want to talk about it. they say a problem shared is a problem halved, but i wasn't going to talk about that lady to anyone, because it would have taken my pain level from 100%, to 200%. for men, talking does not help. it is the same when we plan our own demise. we can get all sad over people here going, yet for ourselves, we just block out the most important people to us or else we cannot go ahead with it. that doesn't make it any easier for you, but please cut yourself and your husband some slack. the situation is bad enough, without more heartbreak. no parent should ever have to go through what you two have, but sadly, you will not be the last to have to suffer the loss of a child
it is worth remembering that doctors, morticians, cops who are subjected to horrible scenes and the like also laugh - if they don't they will cry
sadly, no one can take away your pain from losing your son, so i am not even trying to - all i am trying to do is limit the pain you get from the extra layers that come with suicide. hopefully you can somehow find peace and start to smile again one day. you deserve it, as does your husband and son. and if you do smile one day, please do not feel guilty. your son will almost certainly want you to be happy, so perhaps you can make him happy and one day smile again; i hope you can
as far as trying find out if sean posted here, you could use the search function
if you hit the advanced button, it will give you the option of dates
maybe put in "before" 9/8/2025 and it should come up with all threads dated from the day before and previously
for the most part, no one uses their own names here, so it would be close to impossible for someone who did not know someone's mannerisms or writing style to accurately identify them
. You really did so so much for him, as a mother—so many people don't feel they trust their mothers enough to confide this, and even so, many mothers don't respond as supportively as you did 
