Last Wednesday I had a really really shitty day and I realized "why DO I care about my classes?" After not even half a day of relentless bullying from my exs friends. I thought he would maybe help like he said he would, but then all I got was "why do you lie?" "What do I gain lying to you... I love you so much." And I really do.
"You gain hurting me? You gain getting back at me? You gain seeing me like this?"
After everything hes done to me? I still love him dearly. I still care. He took away my holidays, a family, and now tons of people at my school do not like me (which is very hard with my specific major,) and that day just broke me. Him saying that I was lying, him saying that all I want to do is hurt him- I still love him.
So I thought in an act of love, I would leave. I've thought about it for months anyways, and have had suicide ideations, but I never acted on them until then. I never asked to be born and on that day I realized I could choose if I stay or not. Human distractions can only last so long.
So I tried. I was out in about ~30 minutes with my concoction of pills + alcohol + SN, but apparently I have a fucking liver and body made of iron and dreams and no matter what I try I cant even die.
You know, my ex came over while I was dying too? I dont even remember this. This is accounts from my roommate and my ex. I took my stuff at 11:45, he was there from 1:30 to 3:25, and then he came back from 5:30 to ~8:00. Knowing I did what I did. And while I am somewhat glad he didnt try and help, it also hurts knowing he left just to party. While he was at this party, he even made his friends that bully me to text me. They could clearly see something was wrong. They didnt care. My drugged out self apparently got more sober and tried to call him at 12 AM. I called 14 times, begging him to take me to the ER.
"You said no earlier. I cant do this right now, I'm at a 'meeting.'"
I apparently called one of my random acquaintances, and guess what? Not even more than one text and he was at my apartment and took me to the ER.
But now my school knows because I skipped my classes, and my ex is very hellbent on now fucking everything up and spreading even more rumors.
I just wish I died that day. I wish I didnt have to live through more of this. I gave him my whole heart and more, and every single day he tears it out and stomps on it. Fuck ever being a lover girl, all I want to be right now is dead and I feel like I am maybe procrastinating or even just making up excuses. I hate the human minds self preservation.
I hate not being believed.
I just wish I died that day.
"You gain hurting me? You gain getting back at me? You gain seeing me like this?"
After everything hes done to me? I still love him dearly. I still care. He took away my holidays, a family, and now tons of people at my school do not like me (which is very hard with my specific major,) and that day just broke me. Him saying that I was lying, him saying that all I want to do is hurt him- I still love him.
So I thought in an act of love, I would leave. I've thought about it for months anyways, and have had suicide ideations, but I never acted on them until then. I never asked to be born and on that day I realized I could choose if I stay or not. Human distractions can only last so long.
So I tried. I was out in about ~30 minutes with my concoction of pills + alcohol + SN, but apparently I have a fucking liver and body made of iron and dreams and no matter what I try I cant even die.
You know, my ex came over while I was dying too? I dont even remember this. This is accounts from my roommate and my ex. I took my stuff at 11:45, he was there from 1:30 to 3:25, and then he came back from 5:30 to ~8:00. Knowing I did what I did. And while I am somewhat glad he didnt try and help, it also hurts knowing he left just to party. While he was at this party, he even made his friends that bully me to text me. They could clearly see something was wrong. They didnt care. My drugged out self apparently got more sober and tried to call him at 12 AM. I called 14 times, begging him to take me to the ER.
"You said no earlier. I cant do this right now, I'm at a 'meeting.'"
I apparently called one of my random acquaintances, and guess what? Not even more than one text and he was at my apartment and took me to the ER.
But now my school knows because I skipped my classes, and my ex is very hellbent on now fucking everything up and spreading even more rumors.
I just wish I died that day. I wish I didnt have to live through more of this. I gave him my whole heart and more, and every single day he tears it out and stomps on it. Fuck ever being a lover girl, all I want to be right now is dead and I feel like I am maybe procrastinating or even just making up excuses. I hate the human minds self preservation.
I hate not being believed.
I just wish I died that day.
