Venting My plans

[shinitai-chan]

so when my SN finally gets delivered i think of 3 ways what i can do
1. since i'm living in a rented apartment and don't want to cause trouble to the owners i wanna book a hotel room and do it there
2. i can take SN here, but idk maybe make a delayed message to the owners or a delayed call to ambulance(idk if it's even possible) so they could take care about my body
3. or why should i care at all, fuck them, i don't even know if it'll be hard to take SN when the moment comes, plus in a hotel room i have a chance to change my mind and try to call someone for help(i'm sure i won't but if there's even a 1% chance that my survival instinct will kick in, why should i take this risk)
not sure what i should do so maybe hearing other people's opinions will help me make a better decision

below is just my venting, don't read
ok couple days ago i seriously was thinking i'll gonna do the first way because i somehow managed to get rid of almost all my bad thoughts and became happy idk maybe it was because i found this forum and it helped me find the method i actually want to do, before i only thought about partial hanging but drinking SN is much better for me, i wanted to die by drinking something, like always before, and seeing suicides from sleeping pills in movies and other bs like that made me want to do the same but turned out sleeping pills suck, so yeah i was happy to finally find a method i want. but my condition becamse so much worse again, i can't enjoy food it's gross, i can't enjoy my cigarettes, i can't even enjoy my energy drinks wtf. why is it so cold in my apartment god i hate this feeling i don't want to exist it's so painful just to exist for me nowwwww
i wanted to live a little longer after my SN arrives, like a couple of weeks maybe, even had plans like maybe leave something before my death? i had an idea for a small game(more like a VN) for 20-30 mins and really loved that idea and i thought it was possible for me to speedrun it in these couple of weeks but now i don't want anything i don't want to book a room, i don't want to care about anyone else i just want to stop existing omg. now i think i'll do it as soon as it gets delivered without waiting. maybe i should start taking my antiemetics already idk. i don't know why it's so painful to exist these last days i can be awake for 30+ hours then sleep for 20, it's horrible. but maybe i'm happier than before afterall because when i thought "i want to die so mucchhhh" before it was just thoughts and i never ever had a method or real determination, now when i'm thinking I WANT TO STOP EXIST ALREADY PLEASE i remember "oh i really will die soon" and it slightly raises my mood and gives a little peace to my mind? idkkkk
but anyway i feel so bad now i just want to die where i am and stop caring about the others asdfgvkljha;kashjfllk;s i'm a horrible person if i'll do it that way, i know


UPD: nah okay fuck the hotel i think. i just realized if i start vomiting and making really loud noises someone will come

 

[shinitai-chan]

can someone just share their opinion :( at least one person
i just don't know what to do
the idea with a hotel scares me now, but the idea of rotting in this apartment and causing trouble for the owners and neighbors disgusts me even more. what should i do. maybe i should just go into the fucking woods and die there

 

[HollowSoul]

Hotel sounds more "confy" but yes, you are at risk of someone calling for Help

I always fantasized about the wood thing but ngl Its pretty scary

 

[K14~♡]

I think just choose anywhere you would be the most comfortable in? If your apartment and a hotel room sound bad, then yea go for the woods, a beach somewhere, the fields, mountains, whatever place that seems the most nice and will give you all the privacy you need
Don't be afraid to go where you wanna be in. Anything that can help you be at peace, I think that's rlly important when the end comes

 

[voc_89]

i was lurking early this morning (for me this says posted around 4 a.m.) and i think i missed it. Would have given a response if i saw it. I get you. That joy u feel when u ready to CTB. Idk. I felt it. Its euphoric. Sex, love, idk maybe even drugs (hardest I ever did is alcohol) doesn't compare. Its like, ah yes, i have clarity. This is what my life is going to lead to. And I fully accept it. I get it. I was there. My attempt failed as I realised the height (going to jump) wasn't enough (maybe 5 stories) so f it. I am not going to live an already broken life to be a parapalegic or vegetable still alive. I forgot to say in early. I am sorry u feel this way. And also. That you going through this. If you go through my posts. I never encourage nor discourage. I have read your message. I sense the pain. The deep pain. Whatever you plan. I hope it brings you peace. Also, idgaf about who finds me or the circumstances. Once I am gone. Thats my take. That said, i am still here. Doesn't mean I am fine :) . Just means I haven't met a similar level or worse bad day to bring me back to that moment where, once the circumstances were good (in this case height as that was all i had available at the time... it was rush of the moment... like a flip action lol at the time ruined my life (still paying for it to this day mind you)... i saw no way out... so yh FK IT... I had to go), I was definitely going to be a statistic. 1000% per cent.

 

[randomuser2348]

2. i can take SN here, but idk maybe make a delayed message to the owners or a delayed call to ambulance(idk if it's even possible) so they could take care about my body

if you have a private bathroom, CTB'ing in there may be the best compromise. while you'll still be in the apartment, i assume cleanup will be far simpler than if you were to go in the bedroom, kitchen, living room, etc.

if it were a rented freestanding unit, i would personally opt for the toolshed.

 

[shinitai-chan]

Hotel sounds more "confy" but yes, you are at risk of someone calling for Help

I always fantasized about the wood thing but ngl Its pretty scary

i see. i think the hotel idea is horrible after all

I think just choose anywhere you would be the most comfortable in? If your apartment and a hotel room sound bad, then yea go for the woods, a beach somewhere, the fields, mountains, whatever place that seems the most nice and will give you all the privacy you need
Don't be afraid to go where you wanna be in. Anything that can help you be at peace, I think that's rlly important when the end comes

i'd be most comfortable dying peacefully in my bed, but i keep thinking about how much trouble it would cause the other people... am i wrong for caring about others this much?
anyway, your reply actually gave me more ideas. thank you!

i was lurking early this morning (for me this says posted around 4 a.m.) and i think i missed it. Would have given a response if i saw it. I get you. That joy u feel when u ready to CTB. Idk. I felt it. Its euphoric. Sex, love, idk maybe even drugs (hardest I ever did is alcohol) doesn't compare. Its like, ah yes, i have clarity. This is what my life is going to lead to. And I fully accept it. I get it. I was there. My attempt failed as I realised the height (going to jump) wasn't enough (maybe 5 stories) so f it. I am not going to live an already broken life to be a parapalegic or vegetable still alive. I forgot to say in early. I am sorry u feel this way. And also. That you going through this. If you go through my posts. I never encourage nor discourage. I have read your message. I sense the pain. The deep pain. Whatever you plan. I hope it brings you peace. Also, idgaf about who finds me or the circumstances. Once I am gone. Thats my take. That said, i am still here. Doesn't mean I am fine :) . Just means I haven't met a similar level or worse bad day to bring me back to that moment where, once the circumstances were good (in this case height as that was all i had available at the time... it was rush of the moment... like a flip action lol at the time ruined my life (still paying for it to this day mind you)... i saw no way out... so yh FK IT... I had to go), I was definitely going to be a statistic. 1000% per cent.

hmmm, i think it might feel like euphoria because your brain is finally getting some relief after experiencing nothing but horrible suffering for a long time, at least that's how it felt for me. like "omg, there is finally nothing holding me here, i can finally be free"
5 stories is a very small height, and even when i'm sitting by the window on my fifth floor and feel an incredibly strong urge to jump, i understand that i'll most likely just break an arm or a leg at most. it's good that you didn't jump at that moment.
and maybe you're right. if i'm no longer on this earth, why should i worry about others? thoughts about other people are one of the reasons that kept me in this disgusting place for so long, why do i allow these thoughts, especially about some random people, to ruin the rest of my life even now. thank you for your answer, i'm also sorry that you feel this way. i hope things get easier for you

if you have a private bathroom, CTB'ing in there may be the best compromise. while you'll still be in the apartment, i assume cleanup will be far simpler than if you were to go in the bedroom, kitchen, living room, etc.

if it were a rented freestanding unit, i would personally opt for the toolshed.

i don't really like the idea of lying in the bathroom after taking my SN, it sounds very uncomfortable. but maybe... maybe it is a good decision. i'll give it some thought.
thank you for advice!