This is the key. It's not just about sex. You are also desiring for
human connection as well. You have a biological need not just for sex but also just human connection in general. It seems you came for the porn, but stayed for the interaction.
Ignore all people and thoughts that say "needing attention is weak and needy". This is about as logical as saying "needing food is weak and needy".
There is a key concept which will help you understand your current situation. There is "real input", and "proxies". We have sexual needs. Sex with someone we have a bond with is real input. Pornography is a proxy. If you have a healthy sex life and healthy social life, your social and sexual circuits will (likely) not be "chronically starved", that is, lacking in fulfilment of their needs. It is like someone who hasn't eaten breakfast (or anything that day) coming across a pack of chips. It seems great at first! But it is less fulfilling, and less filling, too.
Eating unhealthy food when we are seriously starving, this can be a fair choice. But unhealthy food long-term gives issues that changing over to healthy food would resolve well.
The solution is not "just quit pornography". Porn right now is serving a function in your life; it fills an "empty space". To be less metaphorical, that empty space is physical sexual needs, and physical social needs. You have real and valid (
biological) needs for human attention, connection, and sexual contact. You feel drawn to porn because these needs are not being met.
If you find
other ways of meeting those needs, you will not only use porn less, but feel a
lessened need to use it.
YOUR SOCIAL NEEDS:
Replace the porn forums with some friends you chat with. You can find friends in real life (preferable, will soothe the circuits more), but even online friends who respond to you reliably enough can fulfill your attention circuits.
If you struggle to find
person-specific bonds online or real life, you can find "hangout places" (
third places) to get interaction in a healthy, non-porn-associated way. You can find online chatrooms and online communities (be it hobbies, interests, games, politics, philosophy, science, anything!) that will provide you healthy non-porn-related spaces where you can chat with people and soothe your social circuits.
I also encourage you to hang out in places in real life too. Find one local coffee shop. Go there in the morning. Chat up people you see there :). If you don't know what to say, try this. "Good morning! How's your coffee?" or "Good morning! Hope you enjoy your coffee :)" are some good openers ^^.
The more you do it, the more natural it feels ^^. You will feel weird sometimes; but for every 5 times you feel weird, there will be another 5 times where people genuinely appreciate it, and respond in kind.
It's good to be a little weird. It's OK to be socially interactive with strangers. Some will ignore it—but some will enjoy it :). Move on from whoever ignores it and enjoy the chat of those who do ^^.
WHAT DRIVES YOUR PORN USE:
The masturbation is not the key. **The collecting-and-sharing is.**
Pursuit-and-novelty circuits. These are the circuits that fire whenever you read a book, watch an amazing video, listen to a new and intriguing piece of music, and when we
search for new, interesting things. Your porn habit is satisfying these circuits. Try and direct that towards other sources of interest and passion in your life; be it music, hobbies, art, any non-sexual topics. Maybe it could be video games, science, art, culture, politics, anything you like :). Even just taking a walk in your local neighborhood or the park can fire those circuits ^^! (Because you'd be seeing all sorts of interesting things; trees, bugs, birds, flowers, all sorts of stuff c:).
Status circuits. These are the circuits that fire whenever people give us social recognition for anything we do. They can fire in situations like these: Someone receives applause from their friends after a debate performance. A student is praised by the teacher for being the first to raise their hand, and answer a question correctly. A class clown makes a joke and makes the whole classroom laugh. In situations like these, we receive *visible* responses for behavior, making us feel like we are *building* reputation. This can drive us to do more behavior that we feel builds our social reception.
Status circuits and you. "
i share them and get a lot of attention" This is you earning
visible rank in a porn community. If you are socially deprived—no shame in that either, it's no more shameful than being hungry or sleepy—then this could very well be your *only* functioning source of fulfillment, for your status circuits.
Compare with the example of someone who is hungry finding no food in the fridge, but there are some chip bags in the closet. Is eating chips everyday good for the body? Probably not. Is it an understandable option when someone feels starvation rumbling their stomach? Certainly! Instead of moralizing our behavior and saying "oh we are so evil and weak and this and that", let's try to figure out what is
making us act in a way that we don't like, so we can feel more fulfilled. Change is possible <3. And any amount of change, is real healing <3.
YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS:
I encourage you to direct your sexual energy towards your girlfriend, whenever possible <3. This can take various forms.
It can take the form of thinking about her, how much you love her, how beautiful and amazing you find her, and how lovely she makes you feel ^^. In short, masturbate to her. It is the MOST FULFILLING form of sexuality expression, outside of actual sex.
This is what has matched my own personal experience as well. Masturbating to someone I am romantically connected to, is something I have found to be genuinely healing for sexuality. If masturbating to porn feels kind of empty, then masturbating to someone I have a romantic connection with, feels genuinely real. I mean you've probably masturbated to your girlfriend before so I assume you know firsthand (heh) what I'm talking about.
Do you feel there is anything preventing you from masturbating to her? It's OK to feel unsure about masturbating to someone <3. If that is something you experience, feel free to let me know and I can advise you on that <3.
Here are some ways you can express your sexuality in relation to your girlfriend:
- Fantasy (we covered this earlier)
- Mutual text/call/video
- (
with consent) sexual imagery/nudes of your partner
- Spending time with her in-person
These can help you find better outlets to express your sexual circuitry, and feel less dependent on porn <3.
On another note. I understand that your relationship is long-distance (online), and that you physically cannot meet her at this very moment. Meeting her in-person, and spending time around her, can have real positive effects. It won't fix everything—but it will be a touch of healing ♥. This will help shift your experience of sexuality outside of the bounds of abstract porn, and more into an embodied, direct person whom you personally know, love, and trust. I highly encourage you both to meet in-person if possible <3. Do you two plan to meet in-person? ♥
This is your body adapting to what porn bodies look like. Eventually, you can adapt to real life bodies (such as your girlfriends) as time passes, as your mind re-orients itself <3<3.
I am going to summarize most of what I've written here now, for your convenience
.
- SOCIALLY: Non-porn-related social interaction and sources of attention.
- PROXY: Porn communities that congratulate you for sharing porn.
- REAL INPUT: Real people (in person OR online) who recognize who you are and make you feel validated and seen as a person.
- SEXUALLY: Sexual desire that attaches to your girlfriend.
- PROXY: Porn that makes you feel disconnected both from your partner's body, and from your own body.
- REAL INPUT: Sexual interaction with your girlfriend or the idea of her, that makes you feel more connected to her, to yourself, and to a body and partner whom you can actually trust and continue a bond with. Sexual contact with your girlfriend in-person, when possible.
- PROGRESSION:
- idea of her → online, mediated contact → embodied presence
.
