There are a lot of things in life that I like, I have some dreams and hobbies and stuff I genuinely enjoy. I don't hate myself and wish nothing but to have a good life. On the flip side life decides to throw me a curveball and just like that, long term trauma, loss, regret, moral injury.
Ive waited enough and endured letting the initial pain subside, which it did to an extent. But processing my trauma and loss ironically only made me more disillusioned with the world that I truly began to subscribe to nihilism and became an anti natalist because I know logically that every being's experience is fully independent from another's, therefore even if most people have good lives, or there are plenty of good things, that doesn't cancel out the suffering since the person experiencing it gets 100% of it, so the math is always in the negative. Plus the fact that everything will be eventually wiped out and the universe will die really drives home the idea that all this suffering is for absolutely nothing, and cannot be justified by any of the good that happens in life nor a future potential that may not even end up existing.
That's why even in moments where I feel numb or even good, I still cannot justify the necessity of existence or its continuation because I know even those positive emotions are temporary distortions, since the fact of the matter is that I never wanted my reality to be this way, and my brain adapting, numbing itself out and finding joy is not healing but a mutation at best. And although I do have the drive to find a mate and reproduce I know it's an evolutionary brain hijack and it has lost any significant meaning for me that it isn't worth the effort, even intimacy is something I'm not interested in anymore.
At this point what keeps me alive is simply an irrational attachment to life driven mostly by continuous consumption of art and fiction rather than any sense of objective contentment with life. I think the only way for me to reconcile these opposing forces inside me is to somehow turn off my brain and just not question anything. I see a lot of people in my immediate environment living normally and they seem absolutely happy and carefree outside usual day to day problems.
Ive waited enough and endured letting the initial pain subside, which it did to an extent. But processing my trauma and loss ironically only made me more disillusioned with the world that I truly began to subscribe to nihilism and became an anti natalist because I know logically that every being's experience is fully independent from another's, therefore even if most people have good lives, or there are plenty of good things, that doesn't cancel out the suffering since the person experiencing it gets 100% of it, so the math is always in the negative. Plus the fact that everything will be eventually wiped out and the universe will die really drives home the idea that all this suffering is for absolutely nothing, and cannot be justified by any of the good that happens in life nor a future potential that may not even end up existing.
That's why even in moments where I feel numb or even good, I still cannot justify the necessity of existence or its continuation because I know even those positive emotions are temporary distortions, since the fact of the matter is that I never wanted my reality to be this way, and my brain adapting, numbing itself out and finding joy is not healing but a mutation at best. And although I do have the drive to find a mate and reproduce I know it's an evolutionary brain hijack and it has lost any significant meaning for me that it isn't worth the effort, even intimacy is something I'm not interested in anymore.
At this point what keeps me alive is simply an irrational attachment to life driven mostly by continuous consumption of art and fiction rather than any sense of objective contentment with life. I think the only way for me to reconcile these opposing forces inside me is to somehow turn off my brain and just not question anything. I see a lot of people in my immediate environment living normally and they seem absolutely happy and carefree outside usual day to day problems.
