Story my first attempt

[SimpleLivingThing]

it's kind of hard to tell this story, but i feel like i need to get it out.
it was almost 3 years ago now, and I had been feeling really bad. i was lonely and hopeless and miserable, i was cutting nearly every day, i just needed an escape. looking back on it, i was really underprepared, focusing more on emotional closure than the practical details; i definitely didn't do enough research, and my intended method was to drown in a nearby canal. i had written my note a few days prior and gotten rid of a few of my things. i went to a game night at a local cafe with my partner at the time as a way to give them one last fond memory before i went. after we both went home, i thanked them for hanging out and they invited me to hang out and watch a movie the next week. i started to get nervous because that would be after I ctb, and i messaged them that i was planning to ctb soon. as im writing this thread, i'm looking back at those messages and realizing just how fucked up that relationship was. like, i told them i wanted to ctb, and yet i was the one asking if they were okay and if they needed anything from me. anyways, i planned to do it after i got off work since i was closing and i figured my parents would be asleep. i had a few songs that i wanted to listen to before i went, and while i was in my car next to the canal listening to them, i got a call from my mom asking why i was there (she had a gps tracker on my phone for most of my childhood and even through my first year of uni). i managed to lie about it and i dont think she knows the truth, even now. but i didn't jump. i just went home. but i think that if she hadn't have called, i would have jumped. and that's the weird thing. i consider it to be an attempt, but also I didn't actually jump and there weren't many external consequences (i didn't get institutionalized or anything like that). i think the worst part was that after i told my then-partner, they ghosted me for several days. at the time, i felt like i should feel guilty for upsetting them, but looking back, i think it's so immensely fucked up that they just abandoned me at such a vulnerable time. i have a little imposter syndrome about the whole thing; i feel like there are so many aspects of my situation that made it less valid than others'. and, as awful as it sounds, part of me wants to ctb again because if it succeeds, im free, but even if it fails, ill have a "more valid" experience.
idk if this made any sense, idrk why i wrote this in the first place. i guess i just wanted to try and process it without having to worry about censoring myself or softening it for others' sake

 

[Holu]

:(. Am very sorry to hear, and reading this genuinely hurts my heart.

First, this whole thing happened to me, although maybe not to the same degree. When I was younger and made my first attempt at around 14-15, I had some of my loose preparations set up for a hanging. It wasn't enough, but I wasn't really planning as much as I was acting on emotion. Then, for whatever reason at 3 am my now ex checked up on me, and after talking to her I decided not to act. I don't actually believe in fate or anything since I'm a skeptic, but that's the closest thing I can consider as fates hand intervening. Your story just reminded me of that moment in my life.

But I wanted to talk about that whole part of your then partner ghosting you. I agree it's pretty cruel to ghost you in the state you were in. The last thing you needed then was completely loneliness and abandonment, and I'm sorry that it happened. I think it's touching that you also do/did feel some guilt, because you recognized that the situation was also hard on her.

I don't really like creating the us vs them narratives, but I think it's relevant in this case. I can't speak to the person that your ex was, but it's not the first time I've heard someone cut ties with someone in a terrible position because they themselves weren't able to handle being in proxy to it.

I think for us, our resolve is stronger than theirs. As easy as it is to feel like you are weaker than others, it's usually flipped, where you have endured more than they have, hence the state you are in. Whether it's through sites like SaSu, relationships with other mentally fucked people, or just our own observations, we are simply more use to the concepts of self harm and suicide. But for most people, the concepts are a lot harder to process and accept, especially when it requires accepting that in a friend or loved one.

Even to a lesser extent families and friends have a hard time processing and discussing mental illness. The whole "get help" thing stems from the fact most people don't know how to offer the help or comfort. Yes it's good to "get help" but professional help doesn't serve to replace a loved one's affection. But more often than not, people find it easier to delegate this to a professional, which only harms the person they actually want to help.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry for how you were treated, especially in a time where you needed unconditional support and tenderness. Its something I'd hope nobody ever goes through, and while you might not believe it, you are very strong to make it past that.

Anyways, hope your night is at least going somewhat okay. Thank you very much for sharing this story. Please remember to treat yourself with kindness, because you deserve it. Have a good night.