Concorde
𝚛𝚖 -𝚛𝚏 $𝚄𝚂𝙴𝚁
- Nov 19, 2025
- 104
Something happened at about 4am when I was 11. I just today put together all the pieces. They didn't make sense back then.
I don't know what I heard, but it didn't wake up anyone else in the house. I could see a light on down the hall which was unusual overnight. Something just did not sound right.
I got up. Walked to the kitchen. Tiptoed. When I got to the kitchen. Uncharacteristically, my dad was topless in loose fitting pajama bottoms. He was slumped forward, back leaning against the counter.
He was definitely more than drunk. But also definitely drunk. To this day, I have never seen his eyes look through me, beyond me, like that. I assessed the scene and found an almost empty bottle of something clear, not water.
But.
He had a pistol and there was a bullet scar on the cabinet door's edge.
He started groaning and I woke my mom, fast asleep, steps away.
Those are the most important details. I didn't understand the alcohol, the gun, the being high.
I have an excellent habit of assuming good faith, no matter what. It means that 11-year-old me thought "yes, maybe he drank," and "yes, maybe he's wearing clothes I don't recognize," and "yes, maybe he's using the pistol he keeps 'for protection' and shooting tree leaves indoors" and "yes, maybe it's 4am".
But people don't use guns inside at night while drunk. Unless.
This was meant to be when he quit drinking. Maybe it was. Maybe it was the inciting reason. But he has a very open relationship with the truth. It was a million years ago, but I now believe what I saw was an armed and drunk man with severe depression symptoms who was ambivalently playing with his own life.
I don't know what I heard, but it didn't wake up anyone else in the house. I could see a light on down the hall which was unusual overnight. Something just did not sound right.
I got up. Walked to the kitchen. Tiptoed. When I got to the kitchen. Uncharacteristically, my dad was topless in loose fitting pajama bottoms. He was slumped forward, back leaning against the counter.
He was definitely more than drunk. But also definitely drunk. To this day, I have never seen his eyes look through me, beyond me, like that. I assessed the scene and found an almost empty bottle of something clear, not water.
But.
He had a pistol and there was a bullet scar on the cabinet door's edge.
He started groaning and I woke my mom, fast asleep, steps away.
Those are the most important details. I didn't understand the alcohol, the gun, the being high.
I have an excellent habit of assuming good faith, no matter what. It means that 11-year-old me thought "yes, maybe he drank," and "yes, maybe he's wearing clothes I don't recognize," and "yes, maybe he's using the pistol he keeps 'for protection' and shooting tree leaves indoors" and "yes, maybe it's 4am".
But people don't use guns inside at night while drunk. Unless.
This was meant to be when he quit drinking. Maybe it was. Maybe it was the inciting reason. But he has a very open relationship with the truth. It was a million years ago, but I now believe what I saw was an armed and drunk man with severe depression symptoms who was ambivalently playing with his own life.
