My Story
I've been following this forum since early 2024, but I've never shared my story until now. To make a long story short, my best friend—who was supposed to be my best man—was killed at work. The worst part is, I was just two feet away when it happened. I made eye contact with him right before he bled out. I tried to run and call the police, but I ended up running right into the guy holding the shotgun. He pointed it at me and gave me the choice: live or die. The only thing that flashed through my mind was, "What's going to happen to my future wife?" So, I turned and ran, and for some reason, he let me live.
What's been hard to deal with is that I was the one who ended up taking down the guy with the gun. It's been years, but I still feel guilty. My PTSD counselor even suggested pushing the wedding back, but my fiancée kept saying, "My parents paid for the wedding, we can't let them lose that money and it's 5 months away you can do it." So, I ignored the advice from my counselor, friends, and family and went ahead with it.
Right after we got married, we moved, and just 18 months later, Hurricane Harvey hit. My nightmares got worse. But what really broke me was my wife. She started screaming at me, throwing things, and hitting me. In 2018, I reached my breaking point. I drank some whiskey, took a handful of Benadryl, and tried to end it all. I was sick, and my wife was just sleeping on the couch. I stumbled into the kitchen, told her I needed to go to the doctor because I didn't feel well, but she just yelled and cursed at me to go back to bed and not wake her up again. I went back to the bedroom, but I collapsed before I could make it to the bed.
At that moment, I had some sort of near-death experience (NDE), or at least that's what it felt like. I remember flying toward a bright light, then suddenly being sucked back into my body. The next thing I knew, I was in bed, sick, and laughing at how absurd it all was. My wife walked in, saw me on the floor, and started screaming. I told her I was okay, but later admitted to what I had done. She told me to never talk about it because it was my fault for not telling her to call 911.
Things only got worse. I had another attempt, and my wife thought I was just drunk, but she screamed at me about how I was ruining everything. We went to marriage counseling, but things didn't get better. I was doing all the housework—laundry, dishes, cooking—and still taking care of our son. She told the counselor that she was overwhelmed because all she did was care for our son, but I felt like I was doing everything to give her a break.
The counselor told me I wasn't supporting her the way she needed, and I should let her do more. A few weeks later, she had a breakdown and started throwing things because she was "overwhelmed" again. At that point, the relationship was falling apart. But she pushed me back into PTSD counseling, and that counselor suggested I get a divorce because she wasn't good for me. I didn't listen, though. I was too focused on religion, thinking that God didn't want us to divorce.
But the PTSD counselor also unlocked all the pain I had buried, and my nightmares and sleep paralysis came back stronger than ever. The only way I could sleep was by drinking whiskey and taking Benadryl. It became my routine.
During this time, things with my in-laws went bad. My FIL got physical with me while I was holding our son. I didn't touch him at all he initiated everything! After that, I told my wife I wanted nothing to do with her family. But she started telling people she was going to divorce me and used things I said in therapy against me. One day, I was playing games with my son on her iPad and I saw messages on her iPad where she was talking about wanting to see me destroyed. When I told a friend about it, I found out that he was having an affair with her (after the divorce). He ran and told her and she found out I looked at her messages, locked everything down, and said it was because I violated her trust.
Things continued to spiral. She started telling people I was getting a divorce, but it wasn't until 2+ years later that she actually filed. In the meantime, she kept trying to push me over the edge, saying things like, "You're not a real man… a real man wouldn't take this." One night, she started throwing things at me and our son. I picked up our son and took him to the park to get away from her.
The next day, after church, I was trying to put our son in the car when she backed up the car and almost ran me over. Later that day, she pointed a knife at me and told me I needed to stop yelling at her. I lost my cool and did something I'm not proud of. Now, I'm rightfully facing consequences for everything that happened. When I ran away to get away from her attacking me the cops found me with something pressed to my head but they said, 'You don't want to do that to your family.' So I put it down.
Through all this, I've been mentally drained. I love my family, but I'm just so tired. I've reached a point where I can't see a way out of the pain. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't know how to keep going anymore. It feels like I've lost everything, and there's no way to fix anything.
I was lucky enough to find 99% SN for fish eggs in salmon country from an online store. Tomorrow I'll be turning myself in to go to prison BUT I'm planning on trying to take it while I'm with my lawyers after I accept the plea deal... I have 1 Tablespoon ready to get mixed after I get into the court room. Also, I have another 1 Tablespoon in a plastic baggie. My goal is to swallow the small bag with it tied off etc and keep that in my stomach and then drink the water etc and go away peacefully and away from everyone and let the state handle everything. I haven't eaten in 3 days and only drank maybe 16 oz of liquid in 48 hours. I'm hoping that's more than enough to keep everything in my system and that they can't save me (worst case I'll ask to go to the bathroom and go to a stall)
I wanted to say thank you to everyone in here! I never commented but read so much and it made me feel better knowing that there was support. I'll be picking my ticket to CTB tomorrow (9/26).
Keep up all of the support! This forum needs to continue to exist to help those that are just tired.
I've been following this forum since early 2024, but I've never shared my story until now. To make a long story short, my best friend—who was supposed to be my best man—was killed at work. The worst part is, I was just two feet away when it happened. I made eye contact with him right before he bled out. I tried to run and call the police, but I ended up running right into the guy holding the shotgun. He pointed it at me and gave me the choice: live or die. The only thing that flashed through my mind was, "What's going to happen to my future wife?" So, I turned and ran, and for some reason, he let me live.
What's been hard to deal with is that I was the one who ended up taking down the guy with the gun. It's been years, but I still feel guilty. My PTSD counselor even suggested pushing the wedding back, but my fiancée kept saying, "My parents paid for the wedding, we can't let them lose that money and it's 5 months away you can do it." So, I ignored the advice from my counselor, friends, and family and went ahead with it.
Right after we got married, we moved, and just 18 months later, Hurricane Harvey hit. My nightmares got worse. But what really broke me was my wife. She started screaming at me, throwing things, and hitting me. In 2018, I reached my breaking point. I drank some whiskey, took a handful of Benadryl, and tried to end it all. I was sick, and my wife was just sleeping on the couch. I stumbled into the kitchen, told her I needed to go to the doctor because I didn't feel well, but she just yelled and cursed at me to go back to bed and not wake her up again. I went back to the bedroom, but I collapsed before I could make it to the bed.
At that moment, I had some sort of near-death experience (NDE), or at least that's what it felt like. I remember flying toward a bright light, then suddenly being sucked back into my body. The next thing I knew, I was in bed, sick, and laughing at how absurd it all was. My wife walked in, saw me on the floor, and started screaming. I told her I was okay, but later admitted to what I had done. She told me to never talk about it because it was my fault for not telling her to call 911.
Things only got worse. I had another attempt, and my wife thought I was just drunk, but she screamed at me about how I was ruining everything. We went to marriage counseling, but things didn't get better. I was doing all the housework—laundry, dishes, cooking—and still taking care of our son. She told the counselor that she was overwhelmed because all she did was care for our son, but I felt like I was doing everything to give her a break.
The counselor told me I wasn't supporting her the way she needed, and I should let her do more. A few weeks later, she had a breakdown and started throwing things because she was "overwhelmed" again. At that point, the relationship was falling apart. But she pushed me back into PTSD counseling, and that counselor suggested I get a divorce because she wasn't good for me. I didn't listen, though. I was too focused on religion, thinking that God didn't want us to divorce.
But the PTSD counselor also unlocked all the pain I had buried, and my nightmares and sleep paralysis came back stronger than ever. The only way I could sleep was by drinking whiskey and taking Benadryl. It became my routine.
During this time, things with my in-laws went bad. My FIL got physical with me while I was holding our son. I didn't touch him at all he initiated everything! After that, I told my wife I wanted nothing to do with her family. But she started telling people she was going to divorce me and used things I said in therapy against me. One day, I was playing games with my son on her iPad and I saw messages on her iPad where she was talking about wanting to see me destroyed. When I told a friend about it, I found out that he was having an affair with her (after the divorce). He ran and told her and she found out I looked at her messages, locked everything down, and said it was because I violated her trust.
Things continued to spiral. She started telling people I was getting a divorce, but it wasn't until 2+ years later that she actually filed. In the meantime, she kept trying to push me over the edge, saying things like, "You're not a real man… a real man wouldn't take this." One night, she started throwing things at me and our son. I picked up our son and took him to the park to get away from her.
The next day, after church, I was trying to put our son in the car when she backed up the car and almost ran me over. Later that day, she pointed a knife at me and told me I needed to stop yelling at her. I lost my cool and did something I'm not proud of. Now, I'm rightfully facing consequences for everything that happened. When I ran away to get away from her attacking me the cops found me with something pressed to my head but they said, 'You don't want to do that to your family.' So I put it down.
Through all this, I've been mentally drained. I love my family, but I'm just so tired. I've reached a point where I can't see a way out of the pain. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't know how to keep going anymore. It feels like I've lost everything, and there's no way to fix anything.
I was lucky enough to find 99% SN for fish eggs in salmon country from an online store. Tomorrow I'll be turning myself in to go to prison BUT I'm planning on trying to take it while I'm with my lawyers after I accept the plea deal... I have 1 Tablespoon ready to get mixed after I get into the court room. Also, I have another 1 Tablespoon in a plastic baggie. My goal is to swallow the small bag with it tied off etc and keep that in my stomach and then drink the water etc and go away peacefully and away from everyone and let the state handle everything. I haven't eaten in 3 days and only drank maybe 16 oz of liquid in 48 hours. I'm hoping that's more than enough to keep everything in my system and that they can't save me (worst case I'll ask to go to the bathroom and go to a stall)
I wanted to say thank you to everyone in here! I never commented but read so much and it made me feel better knowing that there was support. I'll be picking my ticket to CTB tomorrow (9/26).
Keep up all of the support! This forum needs to continue to exist to help those that are just tired.
