Help My conundrum

[Olivie_420]

Quick explanation of my life for those who dont know me. Im Olivie and im 19. I am still a trans man living as a cis woman. And over a year ago i was disowned by an abusive family, moved in with a older friend (M22, a semi-supporter of Trump, who quickly became my lover) and ive been in a spiral of depression for a myriad of reasons.

Since that has happened, me and my boyfriend (the guy mentioned before) had been forcibly moved out by their landlord and we had to rent out his older sisters extra room.

I still do not have any paperwork or any of my important documents. Like my ID and Birth Cert. And honestly the only reasons are bc time, transportation, and money.
I still do not have a job,.and i fear that if December/January comes and im not able to help my boyfriend with rent then i will be forced to leave. Ive been trying to find a job but no one wants someone who js freshly graduated from HS a year ago, but doesnt even have anything to prove it or that im an actual human being (identification.)
Im losing people and resources left and right.
I am scared. For myself and for the world.
And i am stressed the fuck out.

Me and my boyfriend still have our fights, they've gotten rare since we moved, but he works out. Hes 6'4, fighting someone way smaller than him. Dark bruises and scratches ive been taking pictures of when he isnt paying attention to me. When i defend myself or do something "wrong" it happens again, every few times he ends up accidentally breaking something important to me while we fight.

If i have to leave due to the fact i cant help with our portion of rent, i have nowhere to go. And im quite frankly scared of the open word. Im a recluse, i stay inside except for an occasional outing with him or the few friends i talk to anymore. None are stable enough to let me stay as their all living in college dorms now or still with their parents.. And i honestly think i have to start planning CTB a little early.

CTB is always a thought in my mind, no doubt, but i thought i had a bit more time to try, and get myself help, but it just seems its too late. I really wanted to live and have a future, to prove my abusers wrong, but i guess this life isnt the right one to do that in...

-olivie <3

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm sorry for everything you are going through, but I have to first ask... are you really okay? I mean, being in an abusive relationship is one thing... but the state of things right now, and I literally mean right now in this country with a new anti-transgender wave after the Charlie Kirk shooting... I'm assuming your boyfriend doesn't know your true feelings about yourself... and if he is abusive already, I fear for your life if he ever got wind of you being a trans man.

 

[Olivie_420]

I'm sorry for everything you are going through, but I have to first ask... are you really okay? I mean, being in an abusive relationship is one thing... but the state of things right now, and I literally mean right now in this country with a new anti-transgender wave after the Charlie Kirk shooting... I'm assuming your boyfriend doesn't know your true feelings about yourself... and if he is abusive already, I fear for your life if he ever got wind of you being a trans man.

I feel like im really pathetic for letting a "are you okay" message making me cry..
Honestly i dont rlly know how to answer that anymore. Thankfully my state is a safe zone for lgbtq, bipoc, and disabled people, but i feel like ive been just in another persons body this whole time. Everytime i look in the mirror all i see is a woman i dont recognize, and it makes me want to just avoid reflective objects at all. The trans support group i used to go to moved to a further location that i cannot get to alone, because its not only closer to my abusive parents house and because transportation money (ive been 100% broke for almost a year. i cant even buy the essentials i need), but also just dont like travelling alone. But no one else ik is trans in real life. No one really talks to me at ALL irl, its just the occasionally hello when i magically appear, or a reel being sent to my dms every month by someone who decided to magically remember my existence.