I just don't see the need to be in a relationship with a human. I want to stay away from them in person or in any kind of relationship.
Nothing else matters either to me only avoiding extreme pain and ctb asap.
No one can convince me anything matters except avoiding extreme pain and ctb asap. Life and everything it is meaningless suffering, garbage
As a plus if I want to go today to drive out to a desert and shoot myself I don't have to ask another primate for permission or to check in with them
Some people do, but I understand, because I have never wanted to be in a relationship, but I've been coerced into them many times. I hate relationships. It's awful. I love just being on my own 24/7
In a healthy relationship (whatever that is) you shouldn't need to ask permission to do things, or check in. I totally understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately some don't realise people are coerced into things.
I'm so sorry you feel this way OP, but I can assure you ending your life over a relationship isn't worth it. You are worth more than that, and you'd see that as time went on.
Our validation as people isn't how much a person loves us, it should be about loving ourselves, although I know how hard that is, and I don't do that for myself
What I'm trying to say is, you are worth more than this. Feeling like your boyfriend doesn't love you, going through a roller-coaster of emotions because of one individual.
In years to come you'd look back, and think 'wtf was I thinking when I was with that person?'. I bet lots of people on this site have also. We also tend to sugar coat things, and pretend that things are perfect, or good even, when the reality is, they aren't that great in the first place. Someone that's supposed to love you shouldn't make you feel that shitty about yourself - that isn't love.
I hope you stay and give yourself time to heal, and one day realise he isn't worth it
I wish you all the best