Venting more loneliness

[nails]

it's all i talk about, i just keep repeating myself. i'm not sure what else i can do, though. i've felt sleepy all day, but i can't fall asleep because i want to cry. i keep hitting my head, but that's not helping either; it just leaves me lightheaded. every night is like this: feeling completely exhausted, struggling to sleep because of these constant thoughts, then eventually crashing once my body gives in. i can only sleep when my body just physically can't stay awake any longer. i haven't properly slept since january or february. that's all besides the point, i'm just so tired i can't think clearly, and i'm struggling to keep my eyes open. i wish i could stop thinking about these things for one night, i just want to cry all of the time.
i'm so tired of being alone. i'm tired of having no one to share anything with. i dread being awake because each day is spent alone. there are so many things i want to talk about, but there's no one to talk to. i've tried talking in different groups and forums dedicated to my interests, but i hate it. i don't want to bark into a void, i want to discuss these things with friends. i've met new people, attempted to form new friendships, it's all useless. i can't connect with anyone anymore, everything just sucks and i don't care about anything.
i wish i could be likable. everyone just leaves or becomes distant as soon as they get to know me and i want to know why. if i knew what i was doing wrong, i'd change it immediately because i hate living such a lonely life. all of my human interaction comes from my job, i hate it. no one there genuinely sees me as a friend and none of them want to know me on a deeper level, but they become so close with everyone else. i know it's something deeply wrong with me, i don't think i'm unapproachable or anything. people do talk to me, they feel comfortable sharing really personal information with me, they trust me with so much; they just all start to drift as soon as a genuinely close relationship begins to form. i've tried reading books on this shit (relationships, people, desire for these connections, etc.) and it doesn't help.
i'm careful and cautious with this shit, i want to know what's wrong with me. i want to know why i'm repulsive and unappealing. i'm replaced easily and i'm never anyone's favorite. people drop me very easily, as if i was never in their life to begin with. that all remains regardless of the effort i put in, that shit just makes me want to die.
dying is the only way out of this. i'll never be loved or cherished or even cared for, and the reason seems to be something beyond my understanding or control. i'm going to die unloved and that's such a gutting feeling.

 

[sanctionedusage]

fellow head hitter omw to having no friends soon

only reason i can cope with that is because i've spent a big chunk of time being sought out and favored, enough that im ok with the rest of my lifetime being isolated.

theres not something inherently wrong with you; most people's experiences are exactly like this, they're just so unaware that they don't realize it, or even care. and, it's often genuinely bad or questionable people that get this kind of attention and devotion without trying. ask me how i know lmao. being taken for granted says absolutely nothing about your deserving of love or cherishment

 

[nails]

fellow head hitter omw to having no friends soon

only reason i can cope with that is because i've spent a big chunk of time being sought out and favored, enough that im ok with the rest of my lifetime being isolated.

theres not something inherently wrong with you; most people's experiences are exactly like this, they're just so unaware that they don't realize it, or even care. and, it's often genuinely bad or questionable people that get this kind of attention and devotion without trying. ask me how i know lmao. being taken for granted says absolutely nothing about your deserving of love or cherishment

thank you for the kind words. it's difficult for me to not see myself as the problem, nothing else makes sense. i'm wishing you the best