Venting More evidence that I shouldn't be here

[deadtrace]

Took a break from here to get back to trying to improve myself and get better. I got another job interview finally, but threw it away because of a panic attack again. This time I joined and left after the first question because I started crying and couldn't answer.

I keep throwing every opportunity I get away, and there have hardly been any at all. I have no support. I keep getting rejected by mental health services because of admin bullshit or because I'm too "high risk". You'd think that'd mean I need help even more urgently but no, because I've self harmed and have suicidal ideation they won't see me at all. I've already been theough courses of cbt anyway and it did nothing despite me pushing hard and doing everything they said.

I have no one to support me anymore. My families response to this is again physical and emotional abuse. My partner has completely given up on me. Last time this happened she blew up on me, this time she just doesn't care anymore she's given up on me completely. I have no friends.

I want ro CTB so badly. But I'm too weak. I not able to and I know I'm not. I've been dealing with suicidal ideation for over ten years now. Since I was a child I would spend nighta reading about methods and planning how I'd be able to do it. If I was able to I would've by now. I need some way out I clearly can't cope with this world I'm not fit for this life. What am I meant to do anymore. Self harming doesn't even offer any release anymore it feels empty I dotn even know why I want to do it anymore and every effort I make to get better is for norbing and blows up in my face.

I know this all might seem like an overreaction to what is pretty much a panic attack. But there is a lot more going on than this. There are a lot more issues. This is what is breaking me right now on top of everything else.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate to the job aspect of it. I'm too pathetic to even get hired by entry level jobs. I guess that's what happens because of my autism and inability to communicate. I'm sorry for how life has treated you. It's absolutely unfair that we go through issues as severe as this. Also, your entire post and what you expressed isn't an overreaction or at least it isn't to me. It seems like a fair reaction to living with shitty circumstances and getting beat down by life every time you try to improve

I just wish that you find peace one day and/or that life gets less harsh on you