Mom's b day coming up

[DepressionsAHo]

My tent should be arriving to my house soon. I'd originally planned to go Feb 13 however, not all of my things were here so I had to wait. my best friend will be here on the 21st, my tent should arrive a little before that but I don't wanna ruin her trip down here so I'll go up and see her. Problem is, the very next month is my mom's birthday. Does it seem a bit cruel to ctb in that month? I don't wanna ruin that entire month for the rest of her life and nobody cares about February. I don't wanna go on until april. That sounds like torture. Her b day is the 12th of March so a while beforehand I'd be outta here

 

[LostBoy]

My tent should be arriving to my house soon. I'd originally planned to go Feb 13 however, not all of my things were here so I had to wait. my best friend will be here on the 21st, my tent should arrive a little before that but I don't wanna ruin her trip down here so I'll go up and see her. Problem is, the very next month is my mom's birthday. Does it seem a bit cruel to ctb in that month? I don't wanna ruin that entire month for the rest of her life and nobody cares about February. I don't wanna go on until april. That sounds like torture. Her b day is the 12th of March so a while beforehand I'd be outta here

I don't meant to sound harsh but it won't matter whether it's before, after or even on her birthday, if you CTB you'll fuck her life up forever regardless of the date.

I know my son left me 7 months ago and converted me into the empty shell he said he was.
I see people laughing and smiling all the time and I just wish I could find a life that could allow me to laugh wholeheartedly but sadly those days died on the 13/07/2018.
I'd do anything to have been given the chance to talk to him before he went, not to stop him but to understand and know that he was clearly thinking and had made the right desisons, he had so much to live for.

Think long and hard because once you go it will just cause a massive trauma to those that care about you.
I know that won't help your needs right now but when you are alive they're are choices, when you are dead the living will want to follow suit to be with you, it's a very vicious cycle.
Trust me, I think about it everyday.

 

[Eren]

I don't meant to sound harsh but it won't matter whether it's before, after or even on her birthday, if you CTB you'll fuck her life up forever regardless of the date.

I know my son left me 7 months ago and converted me into the empty shell he said he was.
I see people laughing and smiling all the time and I just wish I could find a life that could allow me to laugh wholeheartedly but sadly those days died on the 13/07/2018.
I'd do anything to have been given the chance to talk to him before he went, not to stop him but to understand and know that he was clearly thinking and had made the right desisons, he had so much to live for.

Think long and hard because once you go it will just cause a massive trauma to those that care about you.
I know that won't help your needs right now but when you are alive they're are choices, when you are dead the living will want to follow suit to be with you, it's a very vicious cycle.
Trust me, I think about it everyday.

I'm so sorry to hear that story, and you're right, to think about my mother is the only thing that keeps me alive for now.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I don't meant to sound harsh but it won't matter whether it's before, after or even on her birthday, if you CTB you'll fuck her life up forever regardless of the date.

I know my son left me 7 months ago and converted me into the empty shell he said he was.
I see people laughing and smiling all the time and I just wish I could find a life that could allow me to laugh wholeheartedly but sadly those days died on the 13/07/2018.
I'd do anything to have been given the chance to talk to him before he went, not to stop him but to understand and know that he was clearly thinking and had made the right desisons, he had so much to live for.

Think long and hard because once you go it will just cause a massive trauma to those that care about you.
I know that won't help your needs right now but when you are alive they're are choices, when you are dead the living will want to follow suit to be with you, it's a very vicious cycle.
Trust me, I think about it everyday.

No, it's not offensive.
Number 1. I debated on whether to post this here or on reddits suicide bereavement page but I knew if I did, I would just get a bunch of people shouting at me that it gets better.
Tbh It took me years to get to this point. I've been lurking here for 7 months but the depression (amongst other things) has been here since I was 8. I've tried to fight it off. I always tried to say that once she goes I go but I realize now. It's not possible. I had to finish my note early to her because I started crying in the middle of it. It's crushing me that my head and myself are so fucked that this is the only solution. I've fought it for so long and she was the main reason. I love that woman with everything I have in me. The only thing that brings me comfort is that she's religious and she will turn to god andfind comfort in him.
She also has a best friend who will force her to come out of the depression shell be in
Ok I'm at home now so I can finish everything.
As for my reasons. Ive been reading a lot on what suicide survivors, spefically parents want (besides the obvious) and the questions they have. I've been editing my notes accordingly to each of the 3 people I want to say goodbye too. I can only hope that their questions are answered within. I read on here once that you can't CTB or you won't be ready to CTB until you feel no guilt. I don't think that's true.
My guilt is enormous. My mom is my best friend and she has been my savior and my rescuerer more times then I can count. This is the one thing she can't save me from though. Myself.

 

[Crimsonskye]

I don't meant to sound harsh but it won't matter whether it's before, after or even on her birthday, if you CTB you'll fuck her life up forever regardless of the date.

I know my son left me 7 months ago and converted me into the empty shell he said he was.
I see people laughing and smiling all the time and I just wish I could find a life that could allow me to laugh wholeheartedly but sadly those days died on the 13/07/2018.
I'd do anything to have been given the chance to talk to him before he went, not to stop him but to understand and know that he was clearly thinking and had made the right desisons, he had so much to live for.

Think long and hard because once you go it will just cause a massive trauma to those that care about you.
I know that won't help your needs right now but when you are alive they're are choices, when you are dead the living will want to follow suit to be with you, it's a very vicious cycle.
Trust me, I think about it everyday.

I know what you mean my mam ctb last October but the image of her hanging still haunts me to this day

 

[LostBoy]

I'm so sorry to hear that story, and you're right, to think about my mother is the only thing that keeps me alive for now.

I hope you find peace but not at the cost of your life.

 

[LostBoy]

I know what you mean my mam ctb last October but the image of her hanging still haunts me to this day

I am so sorry to hear that, I didn't find my son the emergency services did however I have flash backs everyday of what he did.
It will haunt me forever, some days I can be OK with his desision because I admire him and have so much respect for him but others days I just can help this horrible feeling knowing how shit his life must of been and that ill never see him again.
We had some great times together and were mates as well as father and son.
I hope you can find the strength to carry on without your mum.

 

[LostBoy]

No, it's not offensive.
Number 1. I debated on whether to post this here or on reddits suicide bereavement page but I knew if I did, I would just get a bunch of people shouting at me that it gets better.
Tbh It took me years to get to this point. I've been lurking here for 7 months but the depression (amongst other things) has been here since I was 8. I've tried to fight it off. I always tried to say that once she goes I go but I realize now. It's not possible. I had to finish my note early to her because I started crying in the middle of it. It's crushing me that my head and myself are so fucked that this is the only solution. I've fought it for so long and she was the main reason. I love that woman with everything I have in me. The only thing that brings me comfort is that she's religious and she will turn to god andfind comfort in him.
She also has a best friend who will force her to come out of the depression shell be in
Ok I'm at home now so I can finish everything.
As for my reasons. Ive been reading a lot on what suicide survivors, spefically parents want (besides the obvious) and the questions they have. I've been editing my notes accordingly to each of the 3 people I want to say goodbye too. I can only hope that their questions are answered within. I read on here once that you can't CTB or you won't be ready to CTB until you feel no guilt. I don't think that's true.
My guilt is enormous. My mom is my best friend and she has been my savior and my rescuerer more times then I can count. This is the one thing she can't save me from though. Myself.

I am so sorry your life has come to this point and I have no idea what you've been through, I'm just trying to let you know what it'll be like from a parents point of view, I wish there was something that could help you.

 

[NorthAmericanQc]

No, it's not offensive.
Number 1. I debated on whether to post this here or on reddits suicide bereavement page but I knew if I did, I would just get a bunch of people shouting at me that it gets better.
Tbh It took me years to get to this point. I've been lurking here for 7 months but the depression (amongst other things) has been here since I was 8. I've tried to fight it off. I always tried to say that once she goes I go but I realize now. It's not possible. I had to finish my note early to her because I started crying in the middle of it. It's crushing me that my head and myself are so fucked that this is the only solution. I've fought it for so long and she was the main reason. I love that woman with everything I have in me. The only thing that brings me comfort is that she's religious and she will turn to god andfind comfort in him.
She also has a best friend who will force her to come out of the depression shell be in
Ok I'm at home now so I can finish everything.
As for my reasons. Ive been reading a lot on what suicide survivors, spefically parents want (besides the obvious) and the questions they have. I've been editing my notes accordingly to each of the 3 people I want to say goodbye too. I can only hope that their questions are answered within. I read on here once that you can't CTB or you won't be ready to CTB until you feel no guilt. I don't think that's true.
My guilt is enormous. My mom is my best friend and she has been my savior and my rescuerer more times then I can count. This is the one thing she can't save me from though. Myself.

I can only agree. Before, during, after birthday won't change anything. But.. I'd say.. I don't tell you what to do. But, only a suggestion, try to be with her for her birthday. One last time. One last moment of happiness for her.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

@DepressionsAHo I know exactly how you feel my dad had a birthday the 15th February so I would prefer to wait until March not to ruin this month for him forever it just sucks my youngest little brother has a birthday in January, my dad in February, my other little brother in March, me in April, my mother in June or July I can´t remember.

So I don´t know if you feel the same but ctb in the month of a family member isn´t really an option and December isn´t either because I don´t want to ruin Christmas for them forever so it seems there are only a few months within the year where I would be able to ctb without coursing even more suffering to my parents and siblings.

 

[Thisisme373]

This is the something that really sucks, having to hurt close family or friends. The thing is though I can't go on suffering.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I can only agree. Before, during, after birthday won't change anything. But.. I'd say.. I don't tell you what to do. But, only a suggestion, try to be with her for her birthday. One last time. One last moment of happiness for her.

She doesn't live anywhere near me. I live in California shes about to move to Alaska.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

@DepressionsAHo I know exactly how you feel my dad had a birthday the 15th February so I would prefer to wait until March not to ruin this month for him forever it just sucks my youngest little brother has a birthday in January, my dad in February, my other little brother in March, me in April, my mother in June or July I can´t remember.

So I don´t know if you feel the same but ctb in the month of a family member isn´t really an option and December isn´t either because I don´t want to ruin Christmas for them forever so it seems there are only a few months within the year where I would be able to ctb without coursing even more suffering to my parents and siblings.

Yes, it's a struggle. It's a very large impact but eventually, shell go ahead and start liking life again and although she's never made a show of her birthday, I don't want it ruined forever.