members, why my poison is sitting in my drawer?

[losi]

like i was going crazy to get all the pills and stuff 3 or 4 months ago just to drink and peacefully die. why am i not taking any effort to drink it. my mind say die everyday but why am i doing nothing? members here go so far to combat with si, why i don't reach that far? i need to change myself like sayings in manga or die, i do neither. is this state called pathetic, loser? i know the answer yet why am i questioning it?

 

[BorderlineChellery]

You're not a loser at all. Maybe right now just isn't the time, you may wake up one day and just feel ready. Everyone's journey is unique

 

[Neowise]

Maybe you have something in your life that still holds you? Even if you don't know it, perhaps subconsciously?

 

[Umacon]

like i was going crazy to get all the pills and stuff 3 or 4 months ago just to drink and peacefully die. why am i not taking any effort to drink it. my mind say die everyday but why am i doing nothing? members here go so far to combat with si, why i don't reach that far? i need to change myself like sayings in manga or die, i do neither. is this state called pathetic, loser? i know the answer yet why am i questioning it?

I am in the same position. I have SN, AE and benzos and I just keep going everyday without any meaning in life. I don't work, just sleeping and eating day after day. I think the fear of failure is what keeps me from doing it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, only you know when the time is right for you to leave but I just don't believe it's straightforward to go through with ctb even if one has access to a reliable method, all humans are programmed to survive. But anyway best wishes.

 

[boddibo]

There are members on this website who have everything ready for years and are still alive, are they losers? No, of course not.

There are mutiple factors as to why you're not ready to do it on the spot, SI, hope, fear of a failed attempt are just examples. Ending your life isn't something easy, in no way you are a loser for not doing it.

 

[SVEN]

I sometimes feel that perhaps even having a reliable means of ctb at hand can assist in limping on through life, day by day. Because you always have that awareness that when the final crunch comes you can choose to end it.
I don't regard anyone, whatever their decision, as being a loser.

 

[hopeless08]

like i was going crazy to get all the pills and stuff 3 or 4 months ago just to drink and peacefully die. why am i not taking any effort to drink it. my mind say die everyday but why am i doing nothing? members here go so far to combat with si, why i don't reach that far? i need to change myself like sayings in manga or die, i do neither. is this state called pathetic, loser? i know the answer yet why am i questioning it?

But doesn't having it give you some peace of mind knowing that you can go whenever you want?

 

[losi]

@hopeless08 it is like double-edged sword - it either gives a peaceful mind or destroy the mind by overthinking. in my case, it is not positive feeling. if what i am feeling is si or i don't know, like @Umacon (we are definitely feeling the same)said, i do nothing. fear, si, got to do something in my life, i don't know. but one answer i got is i need some goal to move forward to do something or die.

thanks to all the commenters, i had anxiety if i should post this or not, thank you for nice comments.

 

[UKscotty]

Most people don't want to die, they want to recover.

Only as an absolute last resort do we CTB once all chances to get well are exhausted.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

We're all still here, still struggling with this existential crisis. Try not to beat urself up. You are not alone