Meaningless diary entry

[burninghill]

To be honest, I sort of just want to waffle.

Today is the 13th and I'll be attempting suicide on the 15th/16th. I've been home alone all day and ordered some good food, sushi and I'm about to try out wingstop. Yay.

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about laying down on the rails in the cold. I have a lot of trauma from my last attempt to the point where I can't lay down without being taken back there, it was so lonely and dark and I felt empowered and scared at the same time.
Every day I feel more and more disconnected from myself, I've felt more of a disconnection between my mind and my body. I've started to see suicide as more of a release from my body. I've always felt trapped inside of someone else, not necessarily dysphoric but just misplaced. Like whoever was in this body before died and now I'm here. I wish that the girl here before was here to help me. She was young when she disappeared but I still want her back. I feel like the best thing I can do is to stop dragging her body along and to just kill it, that way we can both go to somewhere better.

I'm still trying to figure out some music to listen to when I die, I've found some really good stuff recently.

My suicide date depends on if I decide having one more good hangout matters. My boyfriend is next off on Monday and I can get away with dying on Tuesday (in terms of the tides. It should just be low enough for me to access my spot at the right time). It would be nice to see him, but at the end of the day what difference does it make? Being dead is being dead. My conscience won't remember having 'one last good day' once I'm gone.

How is everybody else doing? I want to hear from anybody reading this.

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi. I hear you.

I am doing ok today.
My course load has significantly decreased these days, so I have more time now.
I have been sleeping a bit better as well.

How are you?
I hope you took these last few days to enjoy your time with your little sister, and to reflect on your life (and your decision to end it) as well.

I am here if you wish to talk.
It seems like you've gone through a lot in life. Life can be very harsh, can't it?
I understand.

 

[burninghill]

Hi. I hear you.

I am doing ok today.
My course load has significantly decreased these days, so I have more time now.
I have been sleeping a bit better as well.

How are you?
I hope you took these last few days to enjoy your time with your little sister, and to reflect on your life (and your decision to end it) as well.

I am here if you wish to talk.
It seems like you've gone through a lot in life. Life can be very harsh, can't it?
I understand.

Hi, I'm really glad you've been sleeping better. Honestly having a hard time sleeping is so torturous. What will you do with the time you have?

I'm okay. Things have gotten really hard over the last two days. A lot worse than they were before. Somehow I'm managing, sort of. Life can be harsh, I've been quite lucky generally. If I had a different brain things would be perfect, I wish that was how it was. Thank you for hearing me

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi, I'm really glad you've been sleeping better. Honestly having a hard time sleeping is so torturous.

Yeah. Bad sleep has ruined me a lot. Though I have been taking melatonin and just forcing myself to wake up early these days.

What will you do with the time you have?

I am not quite sure.
I have been working on a personal project of mine these days.
But overall, I struggle to be that productive. I spend a good chunk of my time bed-rotting or scrolling on my phone to distract myself.

I want to do many things, but struggle to keep them up.

I'm okay. Things have gotten really hard over the last two days. A lot worse than they were before. Somehow I'm managing, sort of. Life can be harsh, I've been quite lucky generally.

I am sorry to hear that.

If I had a different brain things would be perfect, I wish that was how it was

You mention a "past self" of yours that has since apparently left your body.
Has anything triggered this image on your mind? Of a sweet little girl now gone?

I have been going through some old stuff of mine, and it can be jarring to see you as a child compared to your current self.
It is scary how fast time flies. I feel like I am starting to lose control of the flow of life...

Are you sure you're not the same person from before? Perhaps you just changed a lot. I guess this can happen, in life.
I can relate to disassociating like that; perhaps this is something related to a mental health condition you have.

Thank you for hearing me

No problem. I thank you for hearing me as well.
Sending virtual hugs.

 

[burninghill]

overall, I struggle to be that productive. I spend a good chunk of my time bed-rotting or scrolling my phone to distract myself.

Me too haha. Can I ask what your project is about? No pressure

Has anything triggered this image on your mind? Of a sweet little girl now gone?

I'm not really sure. It's hard to pinpoint a time when I started to feel this way, I've been suicidal and depressed for almost half my life but not always with this aspect of disconnection. It's really hard for me to consider the idea that I'm the same person as before, I know that I technically am but it just doesn't feel possible to me. I really don't know where this comes from at all. I guess that's just what happens when you've been depressed for a really long time, you start to feel like you've lost parts of yourself.

I also just want to say that I really value my conversations with you. I really like what I know of you as a person.

 

[The Disqualified]

Can I ask what your project is about? No pressure

Sure, you can ask me that question — I will be waiting.
Sorry, that was a bad joke haha :)

Actually, it is a way for me to practice my skills related to my bachelor degree, but it is too early to share anything right now.

I'm not really sure. It's hard to pinpoint a time when I started to feel this way, I've been suicidal and depressed for almost half my life but not always with this aspect of disconnection. It's really hard for me to consider the idea that I'm the same person as before, I know that I technically am but it just doesn't feel possible to me. I really don't know where this comes from at all. I guess that's just what happens when you've been depressed for a really long time, you start to feel like you've lost parts of yourself.

I empathize with you. It sucks you have suffered for so long. That reminds me of myself.
I have been depressed my whole life, as I was always lonely and anxious.
I had my first suicidal thoughts at 12 or so, but the thoughts only became very serious a couple of years ago, a bit before I joined this site.

I really don't know where this comes from at all.

Have you ever explored where your depression comes from?
I guess this is a deeply personal question...

I noticed that learning more about where my suffering seems to come from has helped me make my recovery goals more actionable and less vague.

 

[burninghill]

I had my first suicidal thoughts at 12 or so, but the thoughts only became very serious a couple of years ago, a bit before I joined this site.

This is also my experience. I guess at some point I realised that I wasn't 13 anymore and I could actually kill myself, it didn't have to be some distant fantasy or dormant thought.

Have you ever explored where your depression comes from?

I wouldn't even know where to start. It's probably some kind of deep self-hatred. I'm always surprised by how insecure I feel sometimes. I think that I'm a very confident person in general but I think that that confidence is also quite shallow, if that makes sense?
Other than that, I'm not sure. I just always feel this sense of dissatisfaction and numbness that I can't seem to fix no matter what I do, achieve or have.

 

[The Disqualified]

I wouldn't even know where to start. It's probably some kind of deep self-hatred. I'm always surprised by how insecure I feel sometimes. I think that I'm a very confident person in general but I think that that confidence is also quite shallow, if that makes sense?

Yes, it makes sense.
I think I can grasp this. Even as a more introverted person, I have learned to become much more assertive in recent times. I guess "assertive" is a decent word to describe this.

I can, apparently, sometimes come off as loud, confident and even sociable around other people; this is something that surprised me. I guess I have had a distorted vision of myself.
However, I am not even sure if that is an authentic version of mine. The real, more intimate version of myself is largely kept hidden from everyone.
I just feel like social interaction is so draining and fake, though I have developed the ability to talk to people about study and even life stuff in some casual settings with effort.

I just think that we all feel so insecure at the end of the day. It is all so fake and performative, at least for me. I wish I could just "take it easy".

It seems you may not have a stable sense of self, and by that I mean who you are as a person, but I am not a psychologist. I guess only a therapist can help you explore these feelings in a more structured way.

Other than that, I'm not sure. I just always feel this sense of dissatisfaction and numbness that I can't seem to fix no matter what I do, achieve or have.

Is there anything that brings you satisfaction in life? Any goals, interests, beliefs? Any sort of thing that you could see moving you forward, even if a little bit?

For me, I have many topics I take an interest in. That said, my life has been lonely and difficult, even though I had a somewhat priviliged upbringing in terms of education and stuff I could have.
But I guess you can't buy certain things in life.
You can't buy happines, for one.

Truthfully, it sounds very cool that you are a painter, as it seems like a very interesting thing for one to pursue in life. I am not sure why you chose this, but I still thought worth mentioning it.

Perhaps you could make a painting to your boyfriend, or something cute like that.

Anyway, I will log off now as I really have to sleep now.
It is late where I live.
Sending virtual hugs.

 

[burninghill]

Is there anything that brings you satisfaction in life? Any goals, interests, beliefs? Any sort of thing that you could see moving you forward, even if a little bit?

Nothing haha. I mean, I do have interests but they're not enough to keep me going. Art was all I had for a long time but it started rapidly becoming something unhealthy that was just consumed by my mental health. It became less of a positive outlet and more something that I'd use as a cry for help, which meant that it got more and more extreme every time I made an artwork that didn't earn the reaction I hoped for.
I think as an artist you're almost expected to be depressed and so if you make work like that nobody really questions it. My artwork became entirely depictions of myself as Jesus and or myself dead and I just don't think I was making it for the right reasons, so I stopped, now I have nothing.

I really hope you have a good rest, it's very late here too.

 

[The Disqualified]

My artwork became entirely depictions of myself as Jesus

Wow, that caught me by surprise hahahha.
That would be... interesting to see, to say the least :)
You sound like an interesting person, honestly lol.

I am not making fun of you, by the way. That just sounded funny to me for some reason haha. I like it, really.
I wonder how people reacted to these paintings of yours. But I guess these kind of things may be common in the elite artistic circles you frequent, who knows haha.

Yeah, I guess we have a stereotypical romantic image of the depressed artist in our minds.

You know, Jesus drank wine, at least. Perhaps you could switch up some drinks for healthier ones. I remember you saying you were drinking a lot of alcohol.
Numbness and dissatisfaction can have very biological reasons as well, you know.
Especially if you use drugs and alcohol regularly, it can distort your baseline level of well-being over time. Even if you were already depressed before, you would feel even worse, especially if you suddenly stop and start entering the withdrawal phase.
I am just saying this because I don't know if you are addicted to any substance. That is definitely something that can push one over the edge.

Nothing haha. I mean, I do have interests but they're not enough to keep me going. Art was all I had for a long time but it started rapidly becoming something unhealthy that was just consumed by my mental health. It became less of a positive outlet and more something that I'd use as a cry for help, which meant that it got more and more extreme every time I made an artwork that didn't earn the reaction I hoped for.

I see. What interests would those be?
I also, as I had told you privately, did art for quite some time. But I got burnt out of it as academic obligations became more and more demanding, and my mental health started to worsen, so I couldn't take in as much.
I started having an unhealthy relationship with my art as well, as I wasn't having the performance I wanted, so I just quit. I couldn't keep up practicing.

You say "Didn't earn the reaction I hoped for".
Do you want others to recognize your pain and give your attention?
I don't mean that in a bad way, by the way. I think it is important to understand that it is normal to want others to give us attention when we are distressed. There's nothing shameful or embarassing about that. We were expected to care about each other in a communitarian sense in the distant past...

I know I expected others, for a long time, to give me attention as I suffered in silence, but nothing ever came out of it. That's when I started to realize that all of those around me were indifferent to my suffering, and would stay that way...

and or myself dead and I just don't think I was making it for the right reasons, so I stopped, now I have nothing.

That seems like a horrible image for one to see, but I understand...
In my case, it was more of a burnout from expectations and performance anxiety. I couldn't do well enough because I was too depressed too focus and practice consistently. However, I do regret quitting, in a way. It was my only outlet...

It sucks you have nothing. I couldn't imagine drawing anything decent at all, much less painting.
Looking back at my performances, I guess I wasn't that bad after all. But everything around me and my own mental state made everything seem way more brutal than it was.

I hope you are feeling better today.
Sending virtual hugs.

 

[burninghill]

I am not making fun of you, by the way. That just sounded funny to me for some reason haha. I like it, really.
I wonder how people reacted to these paintings of yours. But I guess these kind of things may be common in the elite artistic circles you frequent, who knows haha.

Don't worry, it's supposed to be a bit absurd. Most people said they liked them, felt like they were bold and radical. My work is quite different from people around me since I studied illustration but with more of a focus on fine art and painting.

Do you want others to recognize your pain and give your attention?

Oh yeah absolutely. I wanted attention for it. Doing things for attention has become something used to shame people but as you say, it really is normal to want attention, especially when you're struggling. I'm not ashamed of it at all.

I hope you're feeling good today too. I like hearing about your life and experiences, even if I don't have much to say.

 

[The Disqualified]

Don't worry, it's supposed to be a bit absurd. Most people said they liked them, felt like they were bold and radical

"Bold and radical"
Haha, that seems like what I expected.
They really do seem bold and radical.

My work is quite different from people around me since I studied illustration but with more of a focus on fine art and painting.

I see. That sounds interesting.

Oh yeah absolutely. I wanted attention for it. Doing things for attention has become something used to shame people but as you say, it really is normal to want attention, especially when you're struggling. I'm not ashamed of it at all.

Yeah, I see. It seems like you want to scream to others about your pain, and your art is a more socially acceptable way to do it.

That said, I think my original comment was a bit imprecise in that it didn't convey the nuance I was going for.
I just wanted to make it clear that wanting attention is normal, but that is different from attention-seeking behavior. The latter, I believe, can often be a maladaptive way to cope with one's distress. Not accusing you of that, just making it clear as I like to be precise and clear in my language.

I think wanting attention is normal, as long as it is not manipulative or unethical.
Also, I do always invite people to reflect on what kind of attention they are getting and how they are going about it.
There's a difference between doing stuff you like and wanting to see people's reaction to it, and living entirely out of others' attention. I don't think the latter is that healthy at all, since I believe one should be able to stand on their own feet, and not rely so much on other people's input in an overly dependent way.
It also just feels a bit pointless in the end, since most are just going to brush it off and forget about you shortly after, which can feed back the loop of wanting more attention afterwards.

I just worry that wanting attention from others can make one not look inward. There's a kind of addiction in getting others' reactions. I guess it is hard to explain, but it is important to reflect on how one's behaving and why they are acting the way they are.
I imagine that living out of others' inputs can be unsustainable and ultimately unfulfilling.

I know I used to keep suffering because I hoped others would notice me, but that was all a waste. Now I see it.

I just said all of that above because my original comment was prone to misapprehension; I wanted to make the nuance clear.
Overall, I don't think it is bad to want attention — I just hope the attention is constructive and not shallow or manipulative.
Talking about your feelings with trusted others, or a therapist, is an example of what I would deem constructive. Showing your art to others can also be constructive, I imagine. I am just emphasizing the intent behind it is important.
My original comment was too hasty and lacking nuance, so I am developing more on what I originally meant.

All of that said, I do empathize a lot with your experience. When you are in so much distress, it is natural to want some form of attention. It can be jarring to see the world move on as normal while you are on the verge of killing yourself...

I hope you're feeling good today too. I like hearing about your life and experiences, even if I don't have much to say.

I see. No problem.
I like hearing about you as well. You sound like an interesting and valuable person, though one that has suffered a lot in life.
Sending virtual hugs.