hahahahhkjsk
burden of senses
- Apr 17, 2026
- 27
yesterday i decided that id honor the 4th anniversary of my first "attempt" (so pitiful that i don't even want to call it that but the intent was definitely to go out) by trying again and not failing. since i already have a plan, a letter, the tools, i just need to test out some logistics. haven't had the energy to do it though because i need to do it at night.
april 27 2022. the night i said goodbye to my mom like it was another night and i fucked off and ventured into the abyss. then i realised shit wasn't gonna work and i was tired so i hit the bed.
so, until then, ill try to get as much done as possible and maybe enjoy life. by enjoying, i mean doing something that brings delayed gratification, that will make me happy even tomorrow were i to do it today.
gave myself some leeway into indulgence recently, had quite a big binge yesterday (very unlike me) but i felt nothing. finally admitted to myself that these quick dopamine hits don't do much to me because i know that's not what im truly after.
if that doesn't work out, then ill go with my plan. i feel weirdly calm about it, maybe because even if my last attempt at procuring some more life doesn't work out, i already know what to do.
even if i somehow end up not going through my plan of ctb, i really hope people don't think my vents are meant to be emotional threats or manipulation with my impending possible bad fate. i just need a place where i can talk about it, even if i say one thing one minute and another the next minute.
if i don't go with ctb and my life doesn't tragically fall apart, i will actually go to a psychiatrist and try to get a bpd diagnosis. most likely quiet bpd. i could make a post talking about my experiences if anyone would like to read it to see if they relate.
april 27 2022. the night i said goodbye to my mom like it was another night and i fucked off and ventured into the abyss. then i realised shit wasn't gonna work and i was tired so i hit the bed.
so, until then, ill try to get as much done as possible and maybe enjoy life. by enjoying, i mean doing something that brings delayed gratification, that will make me happy even tomorrow were i to do it today.
gave myself some leeway into indulgence recently, had quite a big binge yesterday (very unlike me) but i felt nothing. finally admitted to myself that these quick dopamine hits don't do much to me because i know that's not what im truly after.
if that doesn't work out, then ill go with my plan. i feel weirdly calm about it, maybe because even if my last attempt at procuring some more life doesn't work out, i already know what to do.
even if i somehow end up not going through my plan of ctb, i really hope people don't think my vents are meant to be emotional threats or manipulation with my impending possible bad fate. i just need a place where i can talk about it, even if i say one thing one minute and another the next minute.
if i don't go with ctb and my life doesn't tragically fall apart, i will actually go to a psychiatrist and try to get a bpd diagnosis. most likely quiet bpd. i could make a post talking about my experiences if anyone would like to read it to see if they relate.
