Venting Made it to 24, still want to ctb even though life is better

[decomposing.angxl]

I'm horrible at writing, sorry if this is a mess, but I just wish I didn't have things holding me back now. I'm stable-ish, on medication, have a specialized therapist, good people around me, fuck I even have a job I semi don't hate. It pisses me off to no extent because now I feel like I HAVE to live for other peoples happiness and not my own. Its exhausting having people that you care about and love and enjoy being around but then wanting to leave because you're in pain (physically AND mentally). I still struggle for sure, I mean I just had an osdd "diagnosis" which confirms my worst fears about what I've been through as a kid, and then navigating that disorder naturally? Well that's a whole shit show of it's own (I won't go into too much detail just cause im terrible at putting it all into actual words). And the physical pain just adds to it all, I'm working with doctors finally to figure out what's going on but so far we're all clueless here.
I don't know it's like 6:30 in the morning and I'm sleep deprived and holiday season is hard... I just needed to get stuff out

 

[OliverGarden]

Feeelt. I'm about to enroll into the uni of my dreams and accomplish something I'd been prepping for since 13. I have decent friends around me, more freedom, a lot of knowledge and experience I gained this year. I'm full of books I love reading, games I love playing, people I love loving... and I still feel so shallow sometimes. So... empty? Cynical is the word, maybe. I see this as the calm before the storm before everything inevitably goes to shit. So few people succeed in their dreams... why would I be the 1%? I don't work hard. I'm not exceptional. I'm just a boy. And with me almost losing my most treasured relationship (if not outright losing it - we're still figuring it out) I've basically lost a lot of the desire to move on.

I've got a lot of baggage with the holidays too, and I got an ADHD diagnosis this year - all of this to say, I getcha! Feel free to DM me if you want a buddy to talk to. ^^

I'm a dummy, but if you're lookin' for someone to mope about with or talk terrible jokes with, I'm here. <3