Love and Companionship

[Liebestod]

This is different type of post for me, I've only ever fell in love with one person but the feelings weren't reciprocated. I curse the human genome everyday for making companionship a necessity, it's addictive, it's cruel. Life is suffering yet when I was around her I felt purpose for the first time in an inherently meaningless existence. There was a quote from Elliot Rodger and I know he's very disliked but I think it's fitting and it's a quote I like, "Starvation of food tortures the body, starvation from love and sex tortures the mind and body." I see life as being treacherous in every way even with love and companionship because they're just placeholders to make your suffering mean something but it's the only thing that can give me meaning. My starvation from one person's affection is what led me here in the first place. I thought of suicide before I knew her but it wasn't until after I met her that I really started thinking about this because it unwrapped my perception of reality. I don't know if I would even consider suicide if things ended up differently between us although I would still believe life is suffering but it would actually mean something. I would be more deluded because that's exactly what love does, fog your vision, distort your reality. I believe love between partners is built on sexual and personal attraction, not one without the other. So many people just don't want to be in constant starvation, they can't face loneliness, so they get into relationships even if it isn't there. This is why I believe only certain people can be truly loved by their partner, both needs need to be fulfilled. At the end of the day the brain does this to all of us because of hormonal and chemical reactions that repeat as a result of evolution, I curse nature for it. Why me? Knowing I can never have it. And no I'm not going to try with another person, I will only ever want this one person. I try to think of alternatives but she's always in the back of my mind like she cast a spell in the limbic part of my brain. Unable to ever leave, I can't get over this.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I don't even know what it feels like to be in love anymore; I've forgotten. I can't remember if it's simply being obsessed or attached to someone because of the illusion of what you think they are, because of the loneliness that overwhelms you, or simply a sexual desire seeking satisfaction with someone you're attracted to...
Frankly, I regret having pursued girls I liked who eventually rejected me or showed disinterest. It makes me feel worse because it's a difficult past to cope with; it reminds me how foolish I was, how stupid I was to get my hopes up about someone who, while I was thinking fondly and with enthusiasm, was having sex with someone else, and I was left with feelings that were not only unrequited but discarded, as if they were garbage, irrelevant, unworthy of being received by a girl.

I don't hate women, that much is clear to me, but what is also clear is that I regret every single moment of my life having sought female companionship, having sought love and affection from them. I feel like the stupidest person on the planet, I feel like a loser, a moron, the worst kind of person. Although I know they were naive feelings and emotions, typical of my youth, I reproach myself, imagining that perhaps I wouldn't have a "broken soul" as I do now, if I hadn't sought out those situations that, in part, left me traumatized and also an extremely bitter experience in my life.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I don't even know what it feels like to be in love anymore; I've forgotten. I can't remember if it's simply being obsessed or attached to someone because of the illusion of what you think they are, because of the loneliness that overwhelms you, or simply a sexual desire seeking satisfaction with someone you're attracted to...
Frankly, I regret having pursued girls I liked who eventually rejected me or showed disinterest. It makes me feel worse because it's a difficult past to cope with; it reminds me how foolish I was, how stupid I was to get my hopes up about someone who, while I was thinking fondly and with enthusiasm, was having sex with someone else, and I was left with feelings that were not only unrequited but discarded, as if they were garbage, irrelevant, unworthy of being received by a girl.

I don't hate women, that much is clear to me, but what is also clear is that I regret every single moment of my life having sought female companionship, having sought love and affection from them. I feel like the stupidest person on the planet, I feel like a loser, a moron, the worst kind of person. Although I know they were naive feelings and emotions, typical of my youth, I reproach myself, imagining that perhaps I wouldn't have a "broken soul" as I do now, if I hadn't sought out those situations that, in part, left me traumatized and also an extremely bitter experience in my life.

I can relate.
I'm still a deep romantic
I've only genuinely been in one real relationship, which is the one I'm in now. The others were girls I kind of semi dated. I always dated for company, connection, communication, and mutually respectful individualism but those girls, I didn't even really date. I loved them, even still… but that doesn't mean I don't regret chasing connection.

Everyone has always left me. I can't physically give them what they want — even men
since I don't have a preference.
I just wanted to love and be loved,
the main reason they left was because I wouldn'tt
and didn't want to as they'd put it,
'fuck.'
So, it is what it is.

I'm a woman, and I kind of hate what I am. I don't hate women, but there's this increasing grotesquerie towards what I am. I hope this message is alright. I could go further, but I thought better not to.

Either way, panting and scraping for scraps from both men and women over and over keeps reminding me:

'I can't connect.'

Even where I am now, that thought is still there. I've always had more traumatizing experiences from men while having more bittersweet ones from women,, neither are any better, I swear to that..

Anyhow, I have to go take care of things for now. But it all feels harder when you realize your loving somthing thats not even true..


Im very ignorant,,
next week,,
next few hours,,
I could belive otherwise,
Because, I kinda already do, only that I dont regret helping when I could and in the ways I could,, I dont regret stepping in and doing what I could before I couldn't anymore,, I know even in highschool I considered myself as a passing blip in others lives.


Sorry now im just going off loosing track. Bye.
day to you both..

 

[Michelstaedter]

I can relate.
I'm still a deep romantic
I've only genuinely been in one real relationship, which is the one I'm in now. The others were girls I kind of semi dated. I always dated for company, connection, communication, and mutually respectful individualism but those girls, I didn't even really date. I loved them, even still… but that doesn't mean I don't regret chasing connection.

Everyone has always left me. I can't physically give them what they want — even men
since I don't have a preference.
I just wanted to love and be loved,
the main reason they left was because I wouldn'tt
and didn't want to as they'd put it,
'fuck.'
So, it is what it is.

I'm a woman, and I kind of hate what I am. I don't hate women, but there's this increasing grotesquerie towards what I am. I hope this message is alright. I could go further, but I thought better not to.

Either way, panting and scraping for scraps from both men and women over and over keeps reminding me:

'I can't connect.'

Even where I am now, that thought is still there. I've always had more traumatizing experiences from men while having more bittersweet ones from women,, neither are any better, I swear to that..

Anyhow, I have to go take care of things for now. But it all feels harder when you realize your loving somthing thats not even true..


Im very ignorant,,
next week,,
next few hours,,
I could belive otherwise,
Because, I kinda already to only that I dont regret helping when I could and it the ways I could,, I dont regret stepping in and doing what I could before I couldn't anymore,, I know even in highschool I considered myself as a passing blip in others lives.


Sorry now im just going off loosing track. Bye.
day to you both..

That last thing you said knocked me out... Sometimes I fantasize that someday a girl will tell me she loves me and doesn't want me to die, that she wants me to stay with her, to keep living in this pointless world. I also fantasize that in another situation she'll tell me she loves me and that if I die, she'll die too... I know that's just a fantasy, a "mental masturbation," it'll never happen...

Lately, I'm only more turned on by female characters in hentai, maybe because even though they only offer sex as the sole reward, it sounds more realistic than them saying "I'll always love you." I mean, at least the sexual aspect is an indirect way of someone wanting to offer you something that would make you feel good, and I don't know, it's weird, extremely weird that this is happening to me, but it feels more pleasant, more attainable. At some point, I dreamt that I could meet a girl like Misaki Nakahara from N.H.K. Neither Youkoso, nor Makise Kurisu from Steins;Gate, nor anime girls who are somewhat imperfect but serve as heroines for the protagonist in question... All of the above is just fantasy, it does not exist.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

That last thing you said knocked me out... Sometimes I fantasize that someday a girl will tell me she loves me and doesn't want me to die, that she wants me to stay with her, to keep living in this pointless world. I also fantasize that in another situation she'll tell me she loves me and that if I die, she'll die too... I know that's just a fantasy, a "mental masturbation," it'll never happen...

Lately, I'm only more turned on by female characters in hentai, maybe because even though they only offer sex as the sole reward, it sounds more realistic than them saying "I'll always love you." I mean, at least the sexual aspect is an indirect way of someone wanting to offer you something that would make you feel good, and I don't know, it's weird, extremely weird that this is happening to me, but it feels more pleasant, more attainable. At some point, I dreamt that I could meet a girl like Misaki Nakahara from N.H.K. Neither Youkoso, nor Makise Kurisu from Steins;Gate, nor anime girls who are somewhat imperfect but serve as heroines for the protagonist in question... All of the above is just fantasy, it does not exist.

You just explained my dream, id sneak out of my house just to meet up with random people specifically 3 people and id see them by themselves, i dont do groups well and in the day i wasnt allowed out, nor was i allowed out at night but hey,, anyhow id see these people over and over for a bit until theyd vanish from my life, alwsys trying to be of some support, to be of help, to be there, to motivate, stupidly,,
I feel like a girl like her like,, Misaki,,
the first time I got into nhk it blew my world because,, who is she,, why does she do what i do,, why does she comply the way she does,, getting into it was profoudly, i guess, comforting,,
i always related to her story since grade 9 i mean she was groomed and shes self hating due to her upbringing though i wish we got allot more info there then what they gave us in both the anime and light novel but I still consider it all a masterpiece,,Nakahara embodies a beautiful brand of socially anxious perfection.
Trapped within layers protective eccentricityy
whilst simultaneously desperate for connection,,and terrified of exposure. Her crippling self awareness, and her the carefully constructed persona,,
And again that longing for genuine connection enough to die for it and die within or without it all masked by layers of prickly defense mechanisms...
it's exhausting and I know,,
And her pains and her character it feels seen to me..

To not want to have to love in absence and memory, but in permanence,, ans like you said,,,
It does not exist..

Seeing her felt like being seen, in a way I hadn't been before,,
And that matters..
You know this might seem repetitive but
I have loved quietly, desperately abd privately, always afraid to lose it.
I relate to Misaki because she is what I am,,
scared, longing, observant, yet still ignorent,, and well, shes shaped by trauma..

 

[Michelstaedter]

You just explained my dream, id sneak out of my house just to meet up with random people specifically 3 people and id see them by themselves, i dont do groups well and in the day i wasnt allowed out, nor was i allowed out at night but hey,, anyhow id see these people over and over for a bit until theyd vanish from my life, alwsys trying to be of some support, to be of help, to be there, to motivate, stupidly,,
I feel like a girl like her like,, Misaki,,
the first time I got into nhk it blew my world because,, who is she,, why does she do what i do,, why does she comply the way she does,, getting into it was profoudly, i guess, comforting,,
i always related to her story since grade 9 i mean she was groomed and shes self hating due to her upbringing though i wish we got allot more info there then what they gave us in both the anime and light novel but I still consider it all a masterpiece,,Nakahara embodies a beautiful brand of socially anxious perfection.
Trapped within layers protective eccentricityy
whilst simultaneously desperate for connection,,and terrified of exposure. Her crippling self awareness, and her the carefully constructed persona,,
And again that longing for genuine connection enough to die for it and die within or without it all masked by layers of prickly defense mechanisms...
it's exhausting and I know,,
And her pains and her character it feels seen to me..

To not want to have to love in absence and memory, but in permanence,, ans like you said,,,
It does not exist..

Seeing her felt like being seen, in a way I hadn't been before,,
And that matters..
You know this might seem repetitive but
I have loved quietly, desperately abd privately, always afraid to lose it.
I relate to Misaki because she is what I am,,
scared, longing, observant, yet still ignorent,, and well, shes shaped by trauma..

It's ironic that life separates people who would be a perfect match, because in my case, I never had anyone by my side to support me, anyone who sought me out to talk. I'd be lying if I said it didn't happen at some point during high school, but it was so spontaneous that sometimes I think the people who approached me did so out of boredom or because others weren't available, not because they were genuinely interested. In fact, I don't consider myself interesting, that I don't have a broad mind or a wealth of experience, since I've always been antisocial. I'm not good with groups either; I used to get along better with two or three people, I felt comfortable that way, but those two or three people in turn had two or three other people, and obviously... they drifted away from me.

At some point, I acted like Misaki in the manga, where, if I remember correctly, she's more manipulative and tries to get ahead by exploiting the misery of others, even though she herself knew she was miserable. She sought out someone even more miserable to feel like she'd found her place in the world. However, it didn't work out for me. I consider it a bit of "cheating" to look for someone like that. So, even though I used to feel good meeting girls with emotional problems and wanting to be with them, in the end, I was more miserable, and they would end up going back to their "ex" who made them feel bad, to someone with whom they could experience more emotions or who could offer them a brighter future. I don't know, I always ended up being the rejected one, the cursed one, where for some reason I always ended up alone, in the same place where I started.

Haha, now that I think about it, I think I'm like Satou. His kouhai (Yamazaki) left him to return to his hometown, his senpai (Hitomi) left him to get married and start a family with her boyfriend, and he was worried that Misaki would leave him too, so he preferred to ignore her, for fear of feeling abandoned. Something similar is happening to me. These days I don't want to try to make friends or look for a girlfriend; I don't have the energy for it... Besides, my rabbits died, and they were my best friends my whole life.

I recently watched an anime that I really enjoyed; I recommend it. On MyAnimeList, I started a series of similar anime because of it. In a way, it was my school fantasy. I would have loved to meet a girl who, though misunderstood or with some particular problem, would get along with me, and we could spend our days together. Now it's just a distant fantasy because I'm not young anymore, and besides, I know that's just a youthful dream. The anime is called "Kimi wa Houkago Insomnia".

 

[Liebestod]

I'm going to add on to this thread, my touch deprivation is killing me, I'm craving any form of physical affection I had from her even though we only hugged a few times and held hands once, I'd still would rather have that over the state I'm in now although I want to do much more with her than just hugs I find myself obsessing over it and wishing I had some affection from her now. I might go down in history as having the worst case of oneitis.

 

[Liebestod]

I'm laying here just wishing I could cuddle with her kiss her have her in my arms and have sex with her but I know it won't happen, I hate this so much. I don't want to wake up ever again.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

Love is the only drug where the withdrawal is so bad, that even if you've never had it you crave it, and once it's gone the negative symptoms of its absence seem to linger forever. I can really really relate to the feeling of having your world shook by a good hug. It's like the craziest sense of comfort and belonging in the world. Dude nothing on earth beats a good snuggle. Like out on a busy day, like a hike or something, even better if it's cold, and then back in side and then under the covers with someone else, it's the warmest feeling in the world.

I feel obsessive about relationships sometimes. Even though I'm not in one right now, sometimes it feels like my whole life starts and stops based on if I have a girlfriend or not. But my hot take is that the sense of completeness, is as artificial as the sense of calm you get by popping a Xanax or snorting 7OH. It's just a chemical, just another feeling. And it's just as vulnerable to the Hedonic treadmill. I can't describe to you what it's like to be with someone when a relationship is coming apart, to be holding them, and to feel nothing. Just a void. Just another drug I built a tolerance to.

And the reason I bother saying all this, is it's good to keep in your mind that it's just a drug. Because if you ever do find someone to hold you like that, your brain is gonna be filled with endorphins, but just because the feeling is a drug doesn't mean the person is your fix. Cause the most beautiful thing about love ISN'T the feeling, the feeling is fleeting, it can fade and be boring. The beauty is in the partnership. It's in having an adventure buddy, in finding someone to learn from, someone who will have your back through anything, thick or thin. That's the enlightened part of love, in my view.

And a lot of times it's not even something you find, it's something you build. My best relationship (at least to me) started off the worst, and the relationship that started the most magically ended in absolute horror. People don't find their perfect matches, they find someone who wants to build something and they make it together. It really seems like you want to build something, and I hope you get your chance. Idk, loneliness really is an epidemic these days. Sorry it's hit you too.