Venting lost all hope

[lixiane]

i used to think that maybe i was being overdramatic, that the way i felt was just me overthinking. i had hope that i would "grow out of it" eventually, which is the only thing that really kept me going. i've had a lot of bad things happen to me, but i think this year was my breaking point. i had never had anything formally diagnosed, which is what convinced me i was imagining things, but a few weeks ago i was diagnosed with both anxiety and depression. i tried to push it away, the diagnoses meant nothing to me. but then, i had a breakdown, i suddenly didnt want to eat anything, i fainted while showering, and i felt so much pain emotionally. it had gotten so bad that before i realized it i was harming myself, slitting my wrists for the first time. i used to resort to burning my skin (and that in itself was very rare). it was the first time i've ever intentionally cut myself. all of this has made me lose all hope. everything feels too real for me now. it's like a slap in the face, a reality check. i can't even bring myself to do anything anymore, since i was holding on to the idea that i wasnt actually feeling these things. everytime i look at my wrists i feel so guilty. i just can't believe i let myself get this bad. the second after i realized what i was doing, i felt relief, like i just relieved some pressure i had, but after i slept for a while and woke up, i was horrified of what i've done to myself. i just want this all to go away, but i have to face it everytime i look at my wrists now. it's like physical proof of what i feel, and that terrifies me.

 

[Worndown]

Depression and anxiety can creep up on you. One day you cannot compensate for it. Damn.

You do not need to do anything wrong to get it and it is something you should try to deal with.

Medications are imperfect but can at least lessen the problems. You can monitor yourself for symptoms and make sure any treatment keep up with any changes. Vigilance is needed.

You can get through this if you want. There are resources. It does not need to be your end.

 

[lixiane]

Depression and anxiety can creep up on you. One day you cannot compensate for it. Damn.

You do not need to do anything wrong to get it and it is something you should try to deal with.

Medications are imperfect but can at least lessen the problems. You can monitor yourself for symptoms and make sure any treatment keep up with any changes. Vigilance is needed.

You can get through this if you want. There are resources. It does not need to be your end.

this really helped, thank you for your words of encouragement. the doctor did suggest prescribing me on lorazepam, and i'm still contemplating it, since the side effects concern me, but after everything that's happened since i've been diagnosed it would probably be best to start with taking them. again, thank you. this encouraged me to just make the decision to take the medicine.

 

[Worndown]

Meds are not perfect. There are side effects. I had several clients complain they could not think because the new med was too strong or did not agree with them. The provider changed it and things got better.
Feedback is so important. Unless someone helps you, you need to be your own advocate. Just do it in a calm manner so they listen. Get second opinions if needed.
This may have snuck up on you, but you can help drive it back.
Ask if you have questions!

 

[lixiane]

Meds are not perfect. There are side effects. I had several clients complain they could not think because the new med was too strong or did not agree with them. The provider changed it and things got better.
Feedback is so important. Unless someone helps you, you need to be your own advocate. Just do it in a calm manner so they listen. Get second opinions if needed.
This may have snuck up on you, but you can help drive it back.
Ask if you have questions!

Hello, thank you for the advice! I apologize for the late response. I pussied out of the meds, since when I mentioned it in passing to my mother she had freaked out and made me swear to her I wouldnt get them. Things have been getting worse, though. I keep snapping at people, my self harm didnt stop after that one incident, and now I physically cant sleep without waking up in a panic. Is there any alternatives to lorazepam you know of that wont alarm the people around me when mentioned? Thank you again, I appreciate the help.