Aphid
Rotting Failure.
- Apr 30, 2026
- 100
Trigger warning for SA
Formatting my be off as i posted this somewhere else and am copying and pasting,
this is going to be a long one so im going to start by stating openly about my trauma, and what I've experienced in my life.
though almost entirely negative, this is something I've learned from a deep psychological level. By analyzing other characters in media, I've been able to reflect on my own traumas and recognize the feelings I've experienced and felt as The Shadow.
Carl Jung stated the shadow is the repressed aspects and feelings we hide away from others. The things we suffer through in a daily and often push down and hide away.
The entire time I thought that by casting light on the shadow and opening up about my trauma, it would help me to understand and process said trauma, as being open with others allows for conversation.
Instead the opposite has happened, I've looked for ways to continue to harm myself or dodge other people's thoughts on my own trauma and experiences, claims that I am a person that is of positive value, and that my past does not define me.
I find separate pieces of psychological information apply to my thoughts and feelings on everything and sums up a lot of the psychological impulses I have towards suicide and other similar detrimental choices I could make as a consequence of said trauma.
Freud's theory on the Id, the ego, and super ego's display the idea that we're have an animalistic mind, a conscious mind, and a subconscious moral compass.
The following is a summary of what occurred to me. It may be triggering so please keep that in mind when viewing.
When I was a child, around the age of 8, someone I trusted very much, forced me to masturbate with him inside of a tent in his backyard at a sleepover.
this ruined my perspective on a lot of things, mostly on love and human connection.
since I was young I had the thought that I was unlovable, that I was worthless, meaningless. That, because of my psychological issues I had growing up, I had little meaning to anyone around me
it disgusted me. there was a massive guilt and shame that came when this happened. but also, in something I also find extremely conflicting and disturbing and shameful, I felt cared for. loved. and meaningful.
I forced myself to like sexual content, and the relationship I was slowly being groomed into because I felt loved, and wanted to continue to feel that way.
something about this I've truly struggled to accept, is looking at other cases of childhood sexual abuse and assault. assuming most who struggle through it have similar traumas, most do not pursue hypersexuality, and don't go on to harm others. I used to lean on my trauma as a crutch. As a way to have justified my past behavior and actions. However I now understand it, as I, have committed those actions, those issues, and caused that pain.
After finding acceptance, with the facts of the past, with those actions done unto me and those who I've similarly hurt, and caused pain,
I've accepted I am not the same person who made those mistakes. But I do not, in any way, forgive that person for what happened.
That version of me is a reflection of greater traumas that I could have avoided by telling someone else. Instead, I was told that if I told anyone, I would be hurt, or he would kill me.
Just because I was afraid, I could have been braver, or at least, I could have not talked to him anymore. Instead id bike to his house and continue to let him use me, and let him warp my perception of reality. This became the shadow. A secret shame that manifested itself in every relationship I had from that point. Friends, partners, classmates. I was hurtful. Always. I caused the pain I sought to undo, unto others. Because I didn't know how to carry myself. The super ego had twisted, and my compass was broken. I thought that love, was sexual contact.
Later I found obviously, in everyone's eyes, that this was not the truth. But just because the truth was so, it wouldn't be a while until I met someone who I could talk about with it. Who could help me work through that and accept that past.
There's something they don't tell you, about accepting trauma. The fact is, it's not going to fix anything. The true meat, lies in self forgiveness.
I am, by all accounts, unable to forgive myself for everything that's happened. For years. Even in writing this, my avoidance toward talking about the events shows my inability to truly accept what i did in the past. And my inability to forgive myself for what happened, and forgive myself for who I used to be versus who I am now, is keeping me stuck.
I was truly an awful person, who was pushed forwards by my own trauma, into hurting both others and myself. I'm unable to move on. It appears in every relationship, my reluctance for sexual activity, and then sudden waves of hyper activity. My hidden sickness towards anything in a sexual nature, and then a mind which wants only that.
My inability to forgive myself has left me in a state where I am unable to move forward, or live with myself. thus suicide has been on my mind for the past years of my life in varying waves.
making this film has helped me get through a lot, but like my own trauma, it too is keeping me stuck in my own ways.
i'm unable to forgive myself and unwilling to get better because i feel i do not deserve to get better. i'm fueled by self hatred and inability to move forwards.
any approach i make on moving forwards, internally is shut down.
ive gone to therapists, but my therapists have used chat gpt and Gemini ai to give me responses. I am told to meditate and I do, but those meditations only end up focusing on how I want to die.
it's unacceptable, for me to be in this state, surrounded by so many people who care about me. and for that i'm extremely sorry.
i know this whole thing is rambly, i just, it helps to write it down,
i am actively suicidal still, and i am consistently self punishing because i cannot find self forgiveness, or live with myself.
I do not want to live in the same body who has hurt so many others. I do not want to live. I do not want to live.
Formatting my be off as i posted this somewhere else and am copying and pasting,
this is going to be a long one so im going to start by stating openly about my trauma, and what I've experienced in my life.
though almost entirely negative, this is something I've learned from a deep psychological level. By analyzing other characters in media, I've been able to reflect on my own traumas and recognize the feelings I've experienced and felt as The Shadow.
Carl Jung stated the shadow is the repressed aspects and feelings we hide away from others. The things we suffer through in a daily and often push down and hide away.
The entire time I thought that by casting light on the shadow and opening up about my trauma, it would help me to understand and process said trauma, as being open with others allows for conversation.
Instead the opposite has happened, I've looked for ways to continue to harm myself or dodge other people's thoughts on my own trauma and experiences, claims that I am a person that is of positive value, and that my past does not define me.
I find separate pieces of psychological information apply to my thoughts and feelings on everything and sums up a lot of the psychological impulses I have towards suicide and other similar detrimental choices I could make as a consequence of said trauma.
Freud's theory on the Id, the ego, and super ego's display the idea that we're have an animalistic mind, a conscious mind, and a subconscious moral compass.
The following is a summary of what occurred to me. It may be triggering so please keep that in mind when viewing.
When I was a child, around the age of 8, someone I trusted very much, forced me to masturbate with him inside of a tent in his backyard at a sleepover.
this ruined my perspective on a lot of things, mostly on love and human connection.
since I was young I had the thought that I was unlovable, that I was worthless, meaningless. That, because of my psychological issues I had growing up, I had little meaning to anyone around me
it disgusted me. there was a massive guilt and shame that came when this happened. but also, in something I also find extremely conflicting and disturbing and shameful, I felt cared for. loved. and meaningful.
I forced myself to like sexual content, and the relationship I was slowly being groomed into because I felt loved, and wanted to continue to feel that way.
something about this I've truly struggled to accept, is looking at other cases of childhood sexual abuse and assault. assuming most who struggle through it have similar traumas, most do not pursue hypersexuality, and don't go on to harm others. I used to lean on my trauma as a crutch. As a way to have justified my past behavior and actions. However I now understand it, as I, have committed those actions, those issues, and caused that pain.
After finding acceptance, with the facts of the past, with those actions done unto me and those who I've similarly hurt, and caused pain,
I've accepted I am not the same person who made those mistakes. But I do not, in any way, forgive that person for what happened.
That version of me is a reflection of greater traumas that I could have avoided by telling someone else. Instead, I was told that if I told anyone, I would be hurt, or he would kill me.
Just because I was afraid, I could have been braver, or at least, I could have not talked to him anymore. Instead id bike to his house and continue to let him use me, and let him warp my perception of reality. This became the shadow. A secret shame that manifested itself in every relationship I had from that point. Friends, partners, classmates. I was hurtful. Always. I caused the pain I sought to undo, unto others. Because I didn't know how to carry myself. The super ego had twisted, and my compass was broken. I thought that love, was sexual contact.
Later I found obviously, in everyone's eyes, that this was not the truth. But just because the truth was so, it wouldn't be a while until I met someone who I could talk about with it. Who could help me work through that and accept that past.
There's something they don't tell you, about accepting trauma. The fact is, it's not going to fix anything. The true meat, lies in self forgiveness.
I am, by all accounts, unable to forgive myself for everything that's happened. For years. Even in writing this, my avoidance toward talking about the events shows my inability to truly accept what i did in the past. And my inability to forgive myself for what happened, and forgive myself for who I used to be versus who I am now, is keeping me stuck.
I was truly an awful person, who was pushed forwards by my own trauma, into hurting both others and myself. I'm unable to move on. It appears in every relationship, my reluctance for sexual activity, and then sudden waves of hyper activity. My hidden sickness towards anything in a sexual nature, and then a mind which wants only that.
My inability to forgive myself has left me in a state where I am unable to move forward, or live with myself. thus suicide has been on my mind for the past years of my life in varying waves.
making this film has helped me get through a lot, but like my own trauma, it too is keeping me stuck in my own ways.
i'm unable to forgive myself and unwilling to get better because i feel i do not deserve to get better. i'm fueled by self hatred and inability to move forwards.
any approach i make on moving forwards, internally is shut down.
ive gone to therapists, but my therapists have used chat gpt and Gemini ai to give me responses. I am told to meditate and I do, but those meditations only end up focusing on how I want to die.
it's unacceptable, for me to be in this state, surrounded by so many people who care about me. and for that i'm extremely sorry.
i know this whole thing is rambly, i just, it helps to write it down,
i am actively suicidal still, and i am consistently self punishing because i cannot find self forgiveness, or live with myself.
I do not want to live in the same body who has hurt so many others. I do not want to live. I do not want to live.
