Lonely but socializing is not worth it

[RosebyAnyName]

I hate myself, I don't even know what I want anymore. I asked one of my friends out a couple months ago, and she rejected me and now she's ghosting me. It made me so suicidal I had to take time off work (I wasnt ready to actually CTB at the time due to other circumstances).

I thought maybe reaching out to this other woman I had previously brushed off would help me move on, but suddenly I got completely consumed by remembering what happened with my previous friend and now I don't have the energy to talk with anyone. I don't want to meet her anymore, and now I hate myself for "leading her on." I can't just cancel our plans because I'd feel guilty rejecting her a second time, especially because I reached out first both times.

Socializing just feels like this stupid game you need to play to not kill yourself, and you get told that you're supposed to be honest and authentic, but then when you are you get rejected or the relationship devolves into resentment and who ghosts who first. I'm destined for misery. What is wrong with me?

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Well, I cancelled my plans. I don't think she took it well, she seemed upset but she's entitled to her feelings. I was essentially leading her on, I'd have been upset too. I ultimately feel it was the right choice though, I just don't have the energy and only she is ultimately responsible for her own feelings despite me being shitty to her (this is a lesson I'm still trying to learn myself).

I'm awful. I lose my best friend and then try to find a "substitute", only to flake out anyways. I think the only way I could possibly live and not CTB is to just be isolated from everyone and get 3-4 cats or something. Humans scare me too much, I always make the wrong choices and I always just traumatize myself more.