Story Living in fear

[Chairbed3]

Hii, everyone. I just want to share my thoughts since I have no one in real life I could share with.

I feel like I'm sick of myself now. I lost the glimmer of hope I had at the beginning of this year and the year is ending with me in a worse state than I was in the last 7 years.

I'm afraid I don't have it in me anymore. I can't get back up again, for the 100th time from failure. The air around me is filled with nothing, just like my body. I've grown fearful of everything: my body, my reflection in the mirror, other people, and the very air around me. It's strange looking at my hands, for instance, almost surprised I still have them, in contrast to my eroded self. It starts the movement I wake up in the morning. I submerge myself in social media to avoid my thoughts. Although I have endured this pain for close to a decade now, I can't believe it's happening to me. I'm afraid I see myself in the way others see me: a lump of meat valued nothing. I'm mourning a decaying self that once offered this very own body, hope. I will have to mourn it fully before I end my life.

 

[hearthewind]

You are being afraid, isn't it a sign of still having something to hope for? I mean if you are truly desparate, there would be nothing to fear for.

 

[Chairbed3]

You are being afraid, isn't it a sign of still having something to hope for? I mean if you are truly desparate, there would be nothing to fear for.

I'm not afraid of ending my life. I'm afraid of living it. I clung on to these last bits of hope until a few months ago. I think I'm grieving a life I could have lived. I'm too ashamed to live.

 

[VoidBlessed]

Hii, everyone. I just want to share my thoughts since I have no one in real life I could share with.

I feel like I'm sick of myself now. I lost the glimmer of hope I had at the beginning of this year and the year is ending with me in a worse state than I was in the last 7 years.

I'm afraid I don't have it in me anymore. I can't get back up again, for the 100th time from failure. The air around me is filled with nothing, just like my body. I've grown fearful of everything: my body, my reflection in the mirror, other people, and the very air around me. It's strange looking at my hands, for instance, almost surprised I still have them, in contrast to my eroded self. It starts the movement I wake up in the morning. I submerge myself in social media to avoid my thoughts. Although I have endured this pain for close to a decade now, I can't believe it's happening to me. I'm afraid I see myself in the way others see me: a lump of meat valued nothing. I'm mourning a decaying self that once offered this very own body, hope. I will have to mourn it fully before I end my life.

I relate to this a lot. I feel that emptiness too - I think I'm just a hollow ball of anxiety after a life of failure and pain. All I do is distract myself from it, and I'm so tired of it too.

Acceptance seems to be the way forward. Accepting that I am worthless to this world, and grieving the life I thought I could have had, then finally letting go.