Life as a Former Prisoner

[persepexa]

So a few years ago I was convicted of a crime and spent a few years in prison and a mental hospital. I got out January of this year and I'd like to tell you all about the reality of life as a former prisoner.

First of all most of my friends want nothing to do with me, and rightly so I think. The one or two friends I do have have lives of their own to live and while they do make time for me, I feel like a burden to them. But more than that I just can't relate to them any more. They have jobs and relationships while I have probation meetings and a curfew.

Second of all, job prospects are very limited when you have a criminal record. I have been applying to about 10 jobs a day every day for the past 10 months. I got 2 interviews in that time which went okay but they decided to go with other people. I am currently waiting to hear back from a chain of coffee shops in my city that train ex-cons as baristas and employ them afterwards but if that doesn't happen I really don't know what I'm going to do. I do receive support with this but mostly what they do is point me in the direction of places that might hire someone like me and lately they've been running out of ideas.

Thirdly, I'm living in a halfway house with other ex-cons. The house itself is nice, my room is lovely. The people are okay, not the most friendly but at least they're not rude. There is also staff there 24/7 if I need anything. There is a curfew of 11pm. They also check our rooms once a week to check if everything is working okay and to see if we have any weapons or drugs hidden anywhere.

Lastly, and I feel most importantly, is the shame you feel afterwards. I had a really nice life before prison and I threw it all away. I've been trying to make friends by going to things like festivals and classes and the same thing always happens. We get along at first, and then they learn a bit more about me (I don't tell them everything just that I live near the station and am currently out of work) and slowly the messages stop coming and the invitations just don't happen any more. But also there's a feeling like I'm misleading people. I'm misrepresenting myself. I personally would feel very uncomfortable if I had befriended someone and included them in my life only to find out they've committed a horrible crime.

My family are at their wits end. Every time I speak to my father on the phone (I live abroad) I burst into tears. I've put them through so much but they still love me and want to help me as best they can but they don't know how to do that any more. I'm turning 30 in January and that has me thinking about turning 40, am I still going to be living rent free, on benefits, watching everyone else live their lives while the most excitement I get is the occasional game night they put on in the house? I also worry about what it would mean for my family. Having to constantly worry about me for the rest of their lives, having to lie to their friends and family about me because they're too ashamed to tell them the truth.

I don't know what the answer to all this is. I just wanted to share my experience. Maybe some of you can relate or maybe you're just curious what happens to people when they leave prison. Either way if you read all of this thank you for reading. :)

 

[crmrc_in]

Hey, but what horrible crime are we talking about? Sorry if I'm being nosy, no need to answer.

It seems to me you're putting your best efforts into starting over. If it was a violent crime, I can understand why people might want to keep their distance. But then again, time passes, people change, they regret their mistakes, and they deserve a second chance. Someone who goes into prison might not be the same person who comes out. A criminal record just ends up dragging out the punishment, and honestly, our societies should place more value on forgiveness.

All the best, and a big hug

 

[monkeysee2]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Attitudes to crimes have changed. Years ago, when you were convicted of a crime you just did your time, got out and started out fresh.

Now, any sentence is a life sentence. Society talks about 'rehabilitation' yet criminals are limited in what jobs they can do, what countries they can visit and obviously, with the internet anyone can check your criminal history. You start again in a completely different life with limited options. It's sad but it's the truth.

You've still got options though, and things you can do in your country, hobbies you can pick up, books you can read. Plenty of people find love with a criminal history. Are there any support groups for ex-cons?

Obviously, you don't have to share but I am wondering what the crime was? What country are you living in? Some are better at helping ex-cons than others.

 

[persepexa]

Hey, but what horrible crime are we talking about? Sorry if I'm being nosy, no need to answer.

It seems to me you're putting your best efforts into starting over. If it was a violent crime, I can understand why people might want to keep their distance. But then again, time passes, people change, they regret their mistakes, and they deserve a second chance. Someone who goes into prison might not be the same person who comes out. A criminal record just ends up dragging out the punishment, and honestly, our societies should place more value on forgiveness.

All the best, and a big hug

Thank you for your kind words. I agree tbh. Everyone deserves a second chance. It's just the society we live in I suppose. Once they put those handcuffs on you that's it. But the day-to-day living is fine. I get up and go for a walk, get a coffee, ring my mother that kind of thing. It's more so the shame that I'm struggling with. I can't really relate to the people I meet every day. Also the memories of prison haunt me every day. I met the most awful people and had the most awful experiences there and those things just don't go away. I've spoken to psychologists but they were always more concerned with ensuring I don't commit a further offence rather than helping me cope with things like that. It is what it is really. Actions have consequences and these are the consequences of mine.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Attitudes to crimes have changed. Years ago, when you were convicted of a crime you just did your time, got out and started out fresh.

Now, any sentence is a life sentence. Society talks about 'rehabilitation' yet criminals are limited in what jobs they can do, what countries they can visit and obviously, with the internet anyone can check your criminal history. You start again in a completely different life with limited options. It's sad but it's the truth.

You've still got options though, and things you can do in your country, hobbies you can pick up, books you can read. Plenty of people find love with a criminal history. Are there any support groups for ex-cons?

Obviously, you don't have to share but I am wondering what the crime was? What country are you living in? Some are better at helping ex-cons than others.

Thank you for the kind words. I agree, when people talk about rehabilitation they just mean stopping people from committing further crimes. But at the same time I did what I did. Nobody forced me. I just have to live with that. I've taking up hobbies and I go to classes which are nice and take my mind off things but I don't really make any friends at these things or anything. Which is fine! I wouldn't want to be friends with a criminal if I had the choice ya know? I actually live in the UK and there is a lot of support. My probation officer is really nice and helpful and there are lots of websites and charities that help too but there's only so much they can do ya know? Like you can't force someone to hire an ex-con, you can't force people to want you in their life. But they do provide me with emotional support and that kind of thing. I'm still applying for jobs and trying to get out of the house as often as I can it's just getting harder and harder to do. Like my life isn't awful, it could be a lot worse. But I would say I'm not really living I'm just kind of existing at the moment, ya know?

 

[monkeysee2]

Thank you for the kind words. I agree, when people talk about rehabilitation they just mean stopping people from committing further crimes. But at the same time I did what I did. Nobody forced me. I just have to live with that. I've taking up hobbies and I go to classes which are nice and take my mind off things but I don't really make any friends at these things or anything. Which is fine! I wouldn't want to be friends with a criminal if I had the choice ya know? I actually live in the UK and there is a lot of support. My probation officer is really nice and helpful and there are lots of websites and charities that help too but there's only so much they can do ya know? Like you can't force someone to hire an ex-con, you can't force people to want you in their life. But they do provide me with emotional support and that kind of thing. I'm still applying for jobs and trying to get out of the house as often as I can it's just getting harder and harder to do. Like my life isn't awful, it could be a lot worse. But I would say I'm not really living I'm just kind of existing at the moment, ya know?

Don't want to dampen your experience but I can't imagine many people wouldn't want to be friends if someone was a criminal. 1 in 4 people in the UK have a criminal record. Maybe you could join some local clubs, I'm sure there will be other criminals there but you wouldn't know.

I live in the UK too and do know employers discriminate against ex-cons even if it's illegal to do so. Have you tried not putting your conviction on your application? Basic jobs tend not to do background checks.

I can imagine it's very unpleasant to go through life when you're constantly carrying this weight. But it does sound like you just got out so keep in mind things aren't how they'll always be.

 

[crmrc_in]

It probably sounds bad, inappropriate, but... in a way, perhaps just from my subjective experience, you're in a way lucky. Don't get me wrong, you're going through an incredibly difficult time, but what I mean is (if I understood correctly):

• you go out for walks
• you regularly meet other people
• you speak with family
• some (although few) employers are willing to interview you, which means they see something in you - even if it's just for the most modest of jobs
• you have one or two friends who do make time for you (don't underestimate that)
• you are taking up hobbies
• you attend classes

And where were you a year ago? In prison. That's progress. This year you have already moved from mere existence to something more than that.

Second, it's not just that you have the opportunity to do these small things — you also have the will. That means you're still fighting. When you stop fighting, you lose even the will to get out of bed in the morning. That doesn't seem to be the case for you.

Shame may never fully disappear, and the memories will need to be processed. The old life will not return, that's true. But you are a free man, with a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, and food on the table. You can find your place in the world again.

 

[SoulWantsHome]

So a few years ago I was convicted of a crime and spent a few years in prison and a mental hospital. I got out January of this year and I'd like to tell you all about the reality of life as a former prisoner.

First of all most of my friends want nothing to do with me, and rightly so I think. The one or two friends I do have have lives of their own to live and while they do make time for me, I feel like a burden to them. But more than that I just can't relate to them any more. They have jobs and relationships while I have probation meetings and a curfew.

Second of all, job prospects are very limited when you have a criminal record. I have been applying to about 10 jobs a day every day for the past 10 months. I got 2 interviews in that time which went okay but they decided to go with other people. I am currently waiting to hear back from a chain of coffee shops in my city that train ex-cons as baristas and employ them afterwards but if that doesn't happen I really don't know what I'm going to do. I do receive support with this but mostly what they do is point me in the direction of places that might hire someone like me and lately they've been running out of ideas.

Thirdly, I'm living in a halfway house with other ex-cons. The house itself is nice, my room is lovely. The people are okay, not the most friendly but at least they're not rude. There is also staff there 24/7 if I need anything. There is a curfew of 11pm. They also check our rooms once a week to check if everything is working okay and to see if we have any weapons or drugs hidden anywhere.

Lastly, and I feel most importantly, is the shame you feel afterwards. I had a really nice life before prison and I threw it all away. I've been trying to make friends by going to things like festivals and classes and the same thing always happens. We get along at first, and then they learn a bit more about me (I don't tell them everything just that I live near the station and am currently out of work) and slowly the messages stop coming and the invitations just don't happen any more. But also there's a feeling like I'm misleading people. I'm misrepresenting myself. I personally would feel very uncomfortable if I had befriended someone and included them in my life only to find out they've committed a horrible crime.

My family are at their wits end. Every time I speak to my father on the phone (I live abroad) I burst into tears. I've put them through so much but they still love me and want to help me as best they can but they don't know how to do that any more. I'm turning 30 in January and that has me thinking about turning 40, am I still going to be living rent free, on benefits, watching everyone else live their lives while the most excitement I get is the occasional game night they put on in the house? I also worry about what it would mean for my family. Having to constantly worry about me for the rest of their lives, having to lie to their friends and family about me because they're too ashamed to tell them the truth.

I don't know what the answer to all this is. I just wanted to share my experience. Maybe some of you can relate or maybe you're just curious what happens to people when they leave prison. Either way if you read all of this thank you for reading. :)

Thank you for your kind words. I agree tbh. Everyone deserves a second chance. It's just the society we live in I suppose. Once they put those handcuffs on you that's it. But the day-to-day living is fine. I get up and go for a walk, get a coffee, ring my mother that kind of thing. It's more so the shame that I'm struggling with. I can't really relate to the people I meet every day. Also the memories of prison haunt me every day. I met the most awful people and had the most awful experiences there and those things just don't go away. I've spoken to psychologists but they were always more concerned with ensuring I don't commit a further offence rather than helping me cope with things like that. It is what it is really. Actions have consequences and these are the consequences of mine.

Thank you for the kind words. I agree, when people talk about rehabilitation they just mean stopping people from committing further crimes. But at the same time I did what I did. Nobody forced me. I just have to live with that. I've taking up hobbies and I go to classes which are nice and take my mind off things but I don't really make any friends at these things or anything. Which is fine! I wouldn't want to be friends with a criminal if I had the choice ya know? I actually live in the UK and there is a lot of support. My probation officer is really nice and helpful and there are lots of websites and charities that help too but there's only so much they can do ya know? Like you can't force someone to hire an ex-con, you can't force people to want you in their life. But they do provide me with emotional support and that kind of thing. I'm still applying for jobs and trying to get out of the house as often as I can it's just getting harder and harder to do. Like my life isn't awful, it could be a lot worse. But I would say I'm not really living I'm just kind of existing at the moment, ya know?

FIRST OF ALL:

I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through such troubles, just for being a former criminal. Having a criminal record can be very hard - especially in countries where violent and/or economic crimes are particularly prevalent, and where the general population thereby is particularly prejudiced and judgmental towards criminals. (Both USA and England are good examples of such countries.)



SECOND OF ALL:

I'm the kind of guy who could easily be friends with both criminals and non-criminals alike. I don't really care about what crime a person has or hasn't done; I primarily care about what kind of person they are/have become. And based on what you've written in this thread, you seem like the kind of person who I easily could have been friends with.



THIRD OF ALL:

Not all "crimes" are actual crimes in reality. This is because some judicial laws are completely incorrect and unreasonable in reality (which is because some judicial laws have been constructed by people who are completely braindead, irrational, unreasonable, ignorant, oversensitive and/or overprotective); and breaking such judicial laws is thereby not actually a "crime" in reality, despite what those judicial laws may incorrectly state.

 

[prototypian]

I see this in my head all the time. Our human culture wants to tie every person to what they have done. There are even incredible systems of policy and bureaucracy wholly dedicated to preventing someone from having a fresh start. Punishment however it is defined is a permanent thing and I've always hated it and felt that it is so unfair and demeaning. You personally want to be the person you are and feel good and there is a permanent label that you can do nothing about that verifies you any time as being a former incarcerated criminal. Society justifies this as some sort of "right to know" for protection or whatever but it seems to me that it's really designed to somehow brand someone forever as the sum of their actions and not as a human.

I think part of that is where people who want to disappear come from their thinking. They want to make their past disappear and can't and that means that they don't want a future.

I feel for you and wish there was a way to restart.

 

[kilowatt]

I don't mean to be insensitive but what sort of crime are we talking about here?

 

[persepexa]

Don't want to dampen your experience but I can't imagine many people wouldn't want to be friends if someone was a criminal. 1 in 4 people in the UK have a criminal record. Maybe you could join some local clubs, I'm sure there will be other criminals there but you wouldn't know.

I live in the UK too and do know employers discriminate against ex-cons even if it's illegal to do so. Have you tried not putting your conviction on your application? Basic jobs tend not to do background checks.

I can imagine it's very unpleasant to go through life when you're constantly carrying this weight. But it does sound like you just got out so keep in mind things aren't how they'll always be.

Yeah that's true. It's more the nature of my crime that's a barrier to people wanting to be my friend. I do have one friend and she's brilliant, love her to bits. I've been going to support groups and stuff like that but haven't met anyone I really liked tbh. I actually have never put my criminal record on my application and have outright lied when asked about the gap on my CV and still haven't gotten any work haha. Usually the process doesn't even go that far tbh, most people look at my CV and just say no before even asking about the gap. It's more so the shame of it all that I'm struggling with. I just don't really relate to people as much any more. Like I went for coffee with someone a few months ago and we went to this coffee shop that advertised that they employ ex-offenders. My friend was disgusted by it and said he'd never go back.

I don't mean to be insensitive but what sort of crime are we talking about here?

I stalked someone.

I see this in my head all the time. Our human culture wants to tie every person to what they have done. There are even incredible systems of policy and bureaucracy wholly dedicated to preventing someone from having a fresh start. Punishment however it is defined is a permanent thing and I've always hated it and felt that it is so unfair and demeaning. You personally want to be the person you are and feel good and there is a permanent label that you can do nothing about that verifies you any time as being a former incarcerated criminal. Society justifies this as some sort of "right to know" for protection or whatever but it seems to me that it's really designed to somehow brand someone forever as the sum of their actions and not as a human.

I think part of that is where people who want to disappear come from their thinking. They want to make their past disappear and can't and that means that they don't want a future.

I feel for you and wish there was a way to restart.

Thank you so much for putting how I feel into words. My family always say to me I deserve a fresh start and tbh there isn't one really. I'll always have this in my head, I'll always carry around the shame of it. There's no erasing it or hiding it, it's always there.

FIRST OF ALL:

I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through such troubles, just for being a former criminal. Having a criminal record can be very hard - especially in countries where violent and/or economic crimes are particularly prevalent, and where the general population thereby is particularly prejudiced and judgmental towards criminals. (Both USA and England are good examples of such countries.)



SECOND OF ALL:

I'm the kind of guy who could easily be friends with both criminals and non-criminals alike. I don't really care about what crime a person has or hasn't done; I primarily care about what kind of person they are/have become. And based on what you've written in this thread, you seem like the kind of person who I easily could have been friends with.



THIRD OF ALL:

Not all "crimes" are actual crimes in reality. This is because some judicial laws are completely incorrect and unreasonable in reality (which is because some judicial laws have been constructed by people who are completely braindead, irrational, unreasonable, ignorant, oversensitive and/or overprotective); and breaking such judicial laws is thereby not actually a "crime" in reality, despite what those judicial laws may incorrectly state.

Completely agree and thank you so much for your kind words.

 

[prototypian]

I've never been in trouble with the law other than traffic tickets which were filed for defensive driving and expunged although they probably never go away for real.

But I believe it doesn't matter what the offense was. You shouldn't have to bring it up. People shouldn't have a right to know. It's in your past. Right now you're on parole. You're not in any jail and you're legally allowed to do whatever parole allows. I wish people weren't curious about what someone did in their past. Culture always acts as though it's somehow purifying or beneficial to talk about someone's past as though it's like Alcoholics Anonymous being up front that "I'm an alcoholic". But I don't think it is. I think you should have the right to leave that entire event in your past and disclose it only if you feel like it. Hanging it on someone builds a wall around them.

 

[persepexa]

It probably sounds bad, inappropriate, but... in a way, perhaps just from my subjective experience, you're in a way lucky. Don't get me wrong, you're going through an incredibly difficult time, but what I mean is (if I understood correctly):

• you go out for walks
• you regularly meet other people
• you speak with family
• some (although few) employers are willing to interview you, which means they see something in you - even if it's just for the most modest of jobs
• you have one or two friends who do make time for you (don't underestimate that)
• you are taking up hobbies
• you attend classes

And where were you a year ago? In prison. That's progress. This year you have already moved from mere existence to something more than that.

Second, it's not just that you have the opportunity to do these small things — you also have the will. That means you're still fighting. When you stop fighting, you lose even the will to get out of bed in the morning. That doesn't seem to be the case for you.

Shame may never fully disappear, and the memories will need to be processed. The old life will not return, that's true. But you are a free man, with a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, and food on the table. You can find your place in the world again.

That's very kind of you to say, thank you so much.

 

[itsgone2]

Thirdly, I'm living in a halfway house with other ex-cons. The house itself is nice, my room is lovely. The people are okay, not the most friendly but at least they're not rude. There is also staff there 24/7 if I need anything. There is a curfew of 11pm. They also check our rooms once a week to check if everything is working okay and to see if we have any weapons or drugs hidden anywhere.

Would you say this is common for a halfway house? I mean it doesn't sound too bad, especially if your room is nice.

 

[trashhologram]

It's good that you're trying to make your life better. If you're in the USA, check out the Second Chancer Foundation; I think he could help you. Here's the website.

 

[persepexa]

Would you say this is common for a halfway house? I mean it doesn't sound too bad, especially if your room is nice.

From other people I've met my house is actually a lot nicer than most houses. And the curfew is usually a lot earlier than my house so I think it's the best I could have done given the circumstances.