
Wrath
Long live my dead dreams.
- Dec 12, 2024
- 29
I'm going to leave an angry final note. "ooooooh broooooooo it's bad KARMAAAAAAaaaa" So what? Where's my 'good' karma then? Some might say that it won't matter because I'm dead, but that goes both ways. I can be angry if I want to. I'm justified in that. Some might say that it is because it will leave attachments or something, but sucking up with a smile again and again would be a worse form of attachment, because then I'd be lying to the bitter end, to myself, and to everyone else. A final truthful middle finger where I put it all on the table and fuck off would technically be *less* attachment. It's not my responsibility to forgive. Especially not when it ends like this. The people who did things to me that I now somehow have to "forgive" are the ones that should work on whatever bullshit "karma" this is. "karma" isn't real anyways. If something appears to me in the afterlife and starts talking about 'karma' they are either a guilt tripping demon, or something that I'll tell to fuck off. If heaven is real then I don't want in. I'll sit in limbo forever. Can't go anywhere if I refuse to be "judged".
My life is depressing, sad, and futile. And so I have been too. I want to give myself the right to finally be angry with it.
I even told my dad about my final intentions to ctb and why, though I didn't tell him stuff about himself, mainly just my mental problems. He ended up hugging me as I sat on the kitchen floor and cried really hard. Sounds like he cares right? Nope. "You have to stay alive for me" "Without you I have nothing" blah blah blah. I'm being extremely callous, but he was never caring when it really mattered. When he hugged me, all I could remember is every time he beat the shit out of me and screamed over homework. And all the other times where I can't remember the reason why I was mistreated. And all the times where he ignored me and didn't help when I was asking to see a therapist when I was 14. Too late now old man. I don't want to forgive him. He only stopped treating me like shit when my little brother hung himself at the start of the year. I don't know how long my dad will be like this though. Maybe he'll go back to his old ways all over again. I don't know. I don't want to find out.
Just now I remembered that time I had a mental breakdown a year before this and told him why it was logical to kill myself. He didn't take it seriously back then though, but what I found funny is that he went around in circles, never telling me anything that I could look forward to or any reason to live and just, "find god". Thanks kanye.
I'm reading this post after writing it and I see how much of an asshole I come across as. I know. But explaining what my parents did to me is harder than explaining how I feel about it. I'm mad. I'm dying mad.
My life is depressing, sad, and futile. And so I have been too. I want to give myself the right to finally be angry with it.
I even told my dad about my final intentions to ctb and why, though I didn't tell him stuff about himself, mainly just my mental problems. He ended up hugging me as I sat on the kitchen floor and cried really hard. Sounds like he cares right? Nope. "You have to stay alive for me" "Without you I have nothing" blah blah blah. I'm being extremely callous, but he was never caring when it really mattered. When he hugged me, all I could remember is every time he beat the shit out of me and screamed over homework. And all the other times where I can't remember the reason why I was mistreated. And all the times where he ignored me and didn't help when I was asking to see a therapist when I was 14. Too late now old man. I don't want to forgive him. He only stopped treating me like shit when my little brother hung himself at the start of the year. I don't know how long my dad will be like this though. Maybe he'll go back to his old ways all over again. I don't know. I don't want to find out.
Just now I remembered that time I had a mental breakdown a year before this and told him why it was logical to kill myself. He didn't take it seriously back then though, but what I found funny is that he went around in circles, never telling me anything that I could look forward to or any reason to live and just, "find god". Thanks kanye.
I'm reading this post after writing it and I see how much of an asshole I come across as. I know. But explaining what my parents did to me is harder than explaining how I feel about it. I'm mad. I'm dying mad.