Leaving a note that could hurt

[usernamesarehard]

Thoughts on leaving a note and how much to include?

Ok, so the reason I'm considering ctb is because my boyfriend broke up with me. That's not exactly the reason. The main reason is before we got together I was too scared to ctb. Now I just have nothing left. No hope, no care, no fear. I'm just done and want this to be over. I've been depressed for years and still am, it's just now I can actually make an attempt.

Should I even give him a note? Or just tell my mom in the note I give her to not say anything? How honest should I be? Should I just say I love him and leave it at that. Should I be honest and say that the break up broke something in me? Is there even a point in considering any of this?

I don't want to hurt him. Or at least that's not the goal. It's just that he's the only person I felt I could be honest with. Should I just take all this with me to the grave?

Would you want to know? Or live in blissful ignorance?

I think I'm leaning towards not telling him. I'll just cut him off before hand and tell my mom to not let him know. We don't have any mutual friends so he shouldn't hear it that way. We do work at the same place and even though he'll be gone by the time I'm ready and everything is in order, he does have friends here. If my family let's my job know how I died he'll probably hear it through the grape vine at some point. Even if they don't get any details, he still might hear that I died and call my mom to get more details.

Whatever, I think I'm over thinking this too much. Thoughts?

 

[botanormal]

I think it truly depends on you & your relationship with him. I think if I had recently gone through a breakup & heard my ex ended up killing themselves because of it, I would be heartbroken. I don't think you can avoid somebody hurting over your death, but there are probably ways to make it less intense. If you do want him to know your feelings - that you want to die partly because of the breakup, I think perhaps it could be better to talk to him about it while you're still alive. At least it gives the opportunity to process & say his own peace. Hearing about it afterwards would leave so many unanswered feelings, if he had the context that it was partially his fault. Of course, if he did something terrible to you or you think it would be right for you, then I truly don't have enough context to tell you it'd be wrong - this is just a complete outsiders perspective. The fact you're feeling this way is important & valid as it is. It's an almost impossible thing to navigate, especially while you're feeling so terribly, and I think you should follow your heart on it, because you know more about the situation & how he may react. Sending hugs & I wish you the best of luck in your decisions

 

[Pure Vanilla]

unless it was a pure online relationship theres no way to really just silently vanish without him finding out, i know a guy whos best friend slit his wrists secretly and after a few days of not turning up to school he got sent a picture of his best friends corpse by his mother in the end, of course thats an EXTREME example and its unlikely theyll see the corpse but theres no way they wont know you died

 

[usernamesarehard]

I think it truly depends on you & your relationship with him. I think if I had recently gone through a breakup & heard my ex ended up killing themselves because of it, I would be heartbroken. I don't think you can avoid somebody hurting over your death, but there are probably ways to make it less intense. If you do want him to know your feelings - that you want to die partly because of the breakup, I think perhaps it could be better to talk to him about it while you're still alive. At least it gives the opportunity to process & say his own peace. Hearing about it afterwards would leave so many unanswered feelings, if he had the context that it was partially his fault. Of course, if he did something terrible to you or you think it would be right for you, then I truly don't have enough context to tell you it'd be wrong - this is just a complete outsiders perspective. The fact you're feeling this way is important & valid as it is. It's an almost impossible thing to navigate, especially while you're feeling so terribly, and I think you should follow your heart on it, because you know more about the situation & how he may react. Sending hugs & I wish you the best of luck in your decisions

Thanks for the reply. The break up was pretty recent, like a week ago. I don't plan on leaving for at least another year. Maybe longer if I find a life insurance plan that pays out for suicides. So idk if he'd be able to make the connection. Hopefully not.

I've told him that I've been suicidal and he knows I'm depressed. He's actually the reason I'm on meds right now. So hopefully that's another reason for him to just assume I got too tired and not because the break up broke me. I also don't plan on mentioning the break up if I leave a note for my family, so I would hope he doesn't think it's his fault.

He was good to me and he's a good person, things just didn't work out. That's why I'm hesitant to say anything. He doesn't diserve that guilt and I know he delt with being depressed and suicidal too when he was younger, so I don't want my actions to cause any harm to him.

If I'm following my heart I think I'll just leave a note saying I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to hurt him and I really don't know how he'd react. He was pretty broken up about the break up too. I think he's sensitive to a certain extent and like I said I don't know if that would push him over the edge. He's better now, but I just don't know how it would affect him.

I might call him before I go and just talk and get it out. And let him get a chance to ask anything he wants to. I won't mention the break up though.

unless it was a pure online relationship theres no way to really just silently vanish without him finding out, i know a guy whos best friend slit his wrists secretly and after a few days of not turning up to school he got sent a picture of his best friends corpse by his mother in the end, of course thats an EXTREME example and its unlikely theyll see the corpse but theres no way they wont know you died

Yeah, I kinda figured that would be the case. I was hoping that between me cutting him off and me leaving a note for my mom to not contact him that would be enough to shield him from the news.

It's probably better to just assume that he'd find out and prepare for that.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Thoughts on leaving a note and how much to include?

Ok, so the reason I'm considering ctb is because my boyfriend broke up with me. That's not exactly the reason. The main reason is before we got together I was too scared to ctb. Now I just have nothing left. No hope, no care, no fear. I'm just done and want this to be over. I've been depressed for years and still am, it's just now I can actually make an attempt.

Should I even give him a note? Or just tell my mom in the note I give her to not say anything? How honest should I be? Should I just say I love him and leave it at that. Should I be honest and say that the break up broke something in me? Is there even a point in considering any of this?

I don't want to hurt him. Or at least that's not the goal. It's just that he's the only person I felt I could be honest with. Should I just take all this with me to the grave?

Would you want to know? Or live in blissful ignorance?

I think I'm leaning towards not telling him. I'll just cut him off before hand and tell my mom to not let him know. We don't have any mutual friends so he shouldn't hear it that way. We do work at the same place and even though he'll be gone by the time I'm ready and everything is in order, he does have friends here. If my family let's my job know how I died he'll probably hear it through the grape vine at some point. Even if they don't get any details, he still might hear that I died and call my mom to get more details.

Whatever, I think I'm over thinking this too much. Thoughts?

It's no one else's fault if you unalive yourself.
I will say however... I know what it's like to have one person you can confide in turn their back on you. It really fucking hurts. But depending on your age I would tell you different things... If you're not an adult then you haven't even blossomed yet and If You give It 2 years you might completely change your mind and be even your ideal self.

But if you are an adult and are dead set on doing this and trying to convince your ex BF that you really needed him... From personal experience...
You can't. It's not that he didn't know you needed him... It's that he didn't care enough to stay.
But don't you dare put yourself value on another human being who's blind to it. You are worth so much more than anyone could ever tell you.
So if you do end your life, I hope you do so with Grace and self dignity because you're worth one day being someone's everything.

It's just up to you if you give it time to see that I'm telling you the truth. That's on you.

 

[FreedomElsewhere]

I've always seen the "final letters" as an open-ended one sided conversation. It lets you have the freedom to say in your last moments without interjection or conjecture from those screaming the loudest and turning the tables. I've tried my hand at writing several final letters for over a decade or so. With each and every one of the letters, I wanted to be able to write my heart out. Sometimes I'd end up with 7 pages and sometimes I'd have 20 pages just for one person. I personally would want to have that kind of openhandedness and as much understanding for the person who passed away. I'd want to be able to make sense of all the 5 stages of grief with the note as my foundation. I hope that provides some insight.

 

[usernamesarehard]

It's no one else's fault if you unalive yourself.
I will say however... I know what it's like to have one person you can confide in turn their back on you. It really fucking hurts. But depending on your age I would tell you different things... If you're not an adult then you haven't even blossomed yet and If You give It 2 years you might completely change your mind and be even your ideal self.

But if you are an adult and are dead set on doing this and trying to convince your ex BF that you really needed him... From personal experience...
You can't. It's not that he didn't know you needed him... It's that he didn't care enough to stay.
But don't you dare put yourself value on another human being who's blind to it. You are worth so much more than anyone could ever tell you.
So if you do end your life, I hope you do so with Grace and self dignity because you're worth one day being someone's everything.

It's just up to you if you give it time to see that I'm telling you the truth. That's on you.

I know it's no one else's fault. But a lot of non suicidal people hear 'this thing pushed me over the edge' and assign blame to themselves. Ive been depressed and suicidal for years. Well before I met him. I'm pretty acutely aware that me killing myself is just an unfortunate effect of having a mental illness.

I think he does care. He still wants to be friends and says he loves me and wants to know I'm ok, but yeah you're right. He doesn't care enough to stay.

Some days things seem ok. Like they aren't great, but I want to stay and see what happens. Other days I don't feel like I can take the pain. I don't know what path I'll end up choosing. But thanks for the reply. I know you're completely right that I should end things completely on my terms (well as close to my terms as I can be) rather than make that decision based on how I feel about someone else.

I've always seen the "final letters" as an open-ended one sided conversation. It lets you have the freedom to say in your last moments without interjection or conjecture from those screaming the loudest and turning the tables. I've tried my hand at writing several final letters for over a decade or so. With each and every one of the letters, I wanted to be able to write my heart out. Sometimes I'd end up with 7 pages and sometimes I'd have 20 pages just for one person. I personally would want to have that kind of openhandedness and as much understanding for the person who passed away. I'd want to be able to make sense of all the 5 stages of grief with the note as my foundation. I hope that provides some insight.

Thanks for the perspective. I'll keep this in mind. Maybe I'll write a note and decide later on if I'll send it or not.

Honestly thinking about it, if someone close to me did kill themselves, I'd want that closure too. I'd rather have 100 pages explaining everything that led up to the suicide than nothing and having 1 million questions of why.