Venting Just Venting

[DezDestiny]

Life has been so tough on me. I feel so unlucky. Like, since the beginning of time, I had some kind of curse. I swear nothing good I have ever gets to last. I feel so done with life. I have to make such difficult deicisions and I'm tired fo all the weight. I truly hate my life. I have to experience every bit of misfortune for some reaosn and being a minority and a female does not make it any easier. For some reason I seem to attract only terrible people into my life after all I've done is be kind. Every guy I've met only cared abotu my body and my boyfriend has no problem beaitng me and even then I still miss him and dont want to leave him even though I know I should. My mom doesn't give a shit about me and I know this but I still fall for her tactics thinking shes a good person every single time. I almost had chances of being medicated but she ditched me for her abusive situationship so thats off the table and now she barely speaks to me eerything feels so fucking fake and alone. I thought abotu buying a fgun but I don't know when and how I'd get it since im supposed to leave the state in a few days and theyre difficult for me to get at my age. I spend everyday crying and If I just so happen not to I just have this hollow feeling inside of me an dI constantly think of death. I just want someeone to hold me and tell me theyllbe by my side forever and nthat no mtter what its all gonna be okay but I know it wont happen I know im so fucking worthless and so fucking ugly and alone forever. I wish I could lay down and never wake up. I wish It was easy. I don't know what to do anyore. I dont want to live to see another year I dont want any of this. Every single thing I had to work for and it was always barely worth it. Ive tried so many thing sot get better but its fake every single time. No matter hwo many hobbies I pick up no matter how much i starve or how many people I talk to its just a placeholder for my shitty feelings thatll never go awya until im put to rest. why is life so cruel? why di dI have to even be born? Im sure if i had a better family things woudlve been different but instead im born into a shittty family where my mom was a prostitute and my dad jsut beat the shit out fo me. I didnt deserve any fo that I was just a kid. I still feel like that same kdi now, but intead its every bit of life kicking me around constantly seeing what I can take unntil I just cant. I wish I was one of the pretty and lucky girls where everyone would treat me right and my parents woudl love me and eery bit of life just worked out for me. I dont know what im being punished for.

 

[huifu]

this made me feel so sad, i can relate a lot, i wish you're doing better these days.

you're not worthless, the way other people treat you doesn't define your value, it actually says more about them. you're really strong for just being here after all you've went through, i know how it feels to have an abusive mom that cares more about their partners than their own children, you don't deserve that, you deserve someone that will always choose you no matter what. i am so sorry your mom and your boyfriend are like this - you are right, you didn't deserve any of that, you were just a kid, you needed to be loved and protected.
sometimes life really sucks and it feels like we're being punished for no reason, because life just doesn't make sense, sometimes bad people have a way better life than good people, for some reason it just happens.
i don't think you're that kid anymore, but maybe that kid hasn't found closure and it's triggered by certain situations (it does happen a lot to me).

i'm really sorry you went through all of this.. you can always talk about it here if it helps you feel better, i hope life treats you better