kmycluisfe
"I’m a pluviophile"
- Mar 8, 2023
- 62
I've been in China for almost a year now to study with a few friends and people from my school ( around 60 people ). Less than a month left, and honestly, I'm not doing well at all.
Since the beginning, I've had a really hard time living in this shared dorm ( 4 people in one room ). I don't know how to live with other people. Every noise stresses me out, I get overwhelmed easily, I'm super introverted and I have big problems with communication and socializing. I couldn't say anything, so I just kept everything inside. I even built a little "tent" with blankets around my bed and desk to isolate myself as much as I could. But people kept coming into the room, talking loud, being noisy and I just suffered in silence for months.
I've always used a small private Twitter (less than 10 followers, none of them from China) to vent when things got too much. One day, I wrote about someone who was constantly in our room, always talking loudly, being annoying, acting like a clown in class… I just didn't like him. So I said it on Twitter, like I usually do when I need to decompress.
I know that, technically, they weren't doing anything "wrong." They were just hanging out with their friends, laughing, inviting people over.. it's normal. But for me, it was unbearable. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't communicate my discomfort, I couldn't adapt. So I'd put my headphones on, blast music to drown out the noise, and hide in my little corner, trying not to hear anything. I was just doing my best to survive in a space that felt impossible to live in.
But somehow, my Twitter got shared. Someone not in China saw it and, without any bad intention, sent it to one of my friends here. We had a mutual friend in China, and since my tweets sounded really stressed out, they were honestly just worried and wanted to know what was going on. But instead of talking to me about it, my "friend" here thought it was a great idea to send the tweets directly to the guy I was talking about.
And that's when everything went downhill.
For the past 2 or 3 months, they've been messing with me on purpose. I started getting sudden power cuts while playing. I thought it was random at first, but no. I found out they were intentionally cutting the power to our dorm to annoy me. I have a desktop, so I'm the only one affected.
I found this out by running a little program on one of their PCs (I know, not cool, but I was losing my mind). I got access to his Discord, and I saw everything. They were laughing about it. Making fun of me. Calling me names. Talking about how they're trying to push me to the edge. It's not just behind my back anymore.. they've also been spreading my private Twitter all around the school. One of them even talked to my girlfriend and told her I'm the joke of the school.
Before coming to China, I already had mental health struggles. I'm currently trying to get diagnosed for autism and depression. Back home, I always managed to set up a space where I could function. But here, I've lost all control of my environment, and I just can't take it anymore. I'm not made for shared living, and it's breaking me down completely.
I even attempted suicide at the beginning of 2024, before this trip. This year has been brutal, but at least it made me realize how much I need help. And now I'm finally ready to get it.
As for the people who used to be my "friends"… I don't care anymore. If they're capable of doing all this, they were never really my friends.
I'm just exhausted and needed to say it somewhere.
Since the beginning, I've had a really hard time living in this shared dorm ( 4 people in one room ). I don't know how to live with other people. Every noise stresses me out, I get overwhelmed easily, I'm super introverted and I have big problems with communication and socializing. I couldn't say anything, so I just kept everything inside. I even built a little "tent" with blankets around my bed and desk to isolate myself as much as I could. But people kept coming into the room, talking loud, being noisy and I just suffered in silence for months.
I've always used a small private Twitter (less than 10 followers, none of them from China) to vent when things got too much. One day, I wrote about someone who was constantly in our room, always talking loudly, being annoying, acting like a clown in class… I just didn't like him. So I said it on Twitter, like I usually do when I need to decompress.
I know that, technically, they weren't doing anything "wrong." They were just hanging out with their friends, laughing, inviting people over.. it's normal. But for me, it was unbearable. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't communicate my discomfort, I couldn't adapt. So I'd put my headphones on, blast music to drown out the noise, and hide in my little corner, trying not to hear anything. I was just doing my best to survive in a space that felt impossible to live in.
But somehow, my Twitter got shared. Someone not in China saw it and, without any bad intention, sent it to one of my friends here. We had a mutual friend in China, and since my tweets sounded really stressed out, they were honestly just worried and wanted to know what was going on. But instead of talking to me about it, my "friend" here thought it was a great idea to send the tweets directly to the guy I was talking about.
And that's when everything went downhill.
For the past 2 or 3 months, they've been messing with me on purpose. I started getting sudden power cuts while playing. I thought it was random at first, but no. I found out they were intentionally cutting the power to our dorm to annoy me. I have a desktop, so I'm the only one affected.
I found this out by running a little program on one of their PCs (I know, not cool, but I was losing my mind). I got access to his Discord, and I saw everything. They were laughing about it. Making fun of me. Calling me names. Talking about how they're trying to push me to the edge. It's not just behind my back anymore.. they've also been spreading my private Twitter all around the school. One of them even talked to my girlfriend and told her I'm the joke of the school.
Before coming to China, I already had mental health struggles. I'm currently trying to get diagnosed for autism and depression. Back home, I always managed to set up a space where I could function. But here, I've lost all control of my environment, and I just can't take it anymore. I'm not made for shared living, and it's breaking me down completely.
I even attempted suicide at the beginning of 2024, before this trip. This year has been brutal, but at least it made me realize how much I need help. And now I'm finally ready to get it.
As for the people who used to be my "friends"… I don't care anymore. If they're capable of doing all this, they were never really my friends.
I'm just exhausted and needed to say it somewhere.
