Venting just need it all out

[versuchskaninchen]

Just as the title says i just need it out of my head..

It's coming up on one year since my grandfather passed (i was his caretaker and he meant a lot to me) and starting a new job that I'm 2 weeks in and already experiencing issues (having trash kicked at me, not being trained on machines that can injure you if you clean them wrong, not being trained on dangerous chemicals, and the leads favoring other people already including giving me the more uncomfortable uniform but not them) and I'm just so drained from it all. I feel empty like a void, I dissociated most the night until I started having panic attacks on the line floor. My gf is going through some things now too so I feel like I can't vent to her like I usually do out of curtesy for her mental health.

This isn't even mentioning whatever mood swings I always have. I can't stand swapping between neutral to suicidal and then back to neutral so often..I barely experience emotions as is but these sudden changes are nauseating to have developed. I just want to function and feel excited about things and planning my life with my gf but I don't and I feel worse I'm like this more then I'm not.

 

[versuchskaninchen]

I'll just keep using this same thread to vent like I've seen others do.

I tried to open up to my gf more but I think I just worried her further. I'm not the best with words when actively emotional or as a baseline really. So maybe I just did it wrong. But I was so bad today mentally I just wanted to get it out, I nearly deleted all my accounts and just walked out to the train tracks impulsively. I did end up leaving work by claiming to be ill..I'll see if I have a job come Sunday still. But I don't want my gf to dread talking to me if all I can think of is dying rn, I wanted to be better for her but I don't even know how. I fear it's too much for her to handle even if she hasn't said anything..I just want to be stable enough to keep a job and get a shitty little apartment and have my life with her but I really do fear my own mental issues are ruining my best chance at any sense of love and happiness I have. I can't lose this it's all I'm staying here for right now..

 

[versuchskaninchen]

Content: SH
…my mood swings were so bad today. I feel guilty I was dropping so easy. I know I can't control it but I could have controlled how I responded. Which..I relapsed. My thighs haven't ached like this in so long. And now I'm just. A void. I'm tired and I feel nothing. I don't know which one is worse.

 

[versuchskaninchen]

From early may to early June idk what to say
I've had a birthday (I'm now 26 as of the first) and my brother has graduated HS. Don't get me wrong I'm proud of him. He's done amazing things. But my parents have made it known I'm a failure. Taken step dad I don't expect him to prioritise me over his son. Of course he loves his kid more ya know? But my mom..I at least thought my skills were something. Ig not. I'm gonna try tonight. I don't think it'll work but at minimum I'm going to get high or something so I can sleep for a long while. I might come back in the morning if I wake up to yap more.