justanotherfailure
Member
- Aug 7, 2025
- 57
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I was doing alright about a year and a half ago, called myself a Christian but lived pretty indifferently, had a few friends but wasn't married and had never really considered it much. I lived mostly in isolation but never really minded it. Then about a year ago I met a woman at our church who was perhaps one of the happiest people I ever met; we got to know each other and ended up dating for about five months.
Then I royally screwed everything up.
I suppose I've always been great at screwing friendships up, as I haven't kept any of my close childhood friends, mostly because of my own dumb decisions. But it had never really bothered me before. Like I said, I used to be happy by myself. Now I feel miserable. I shared a lot of my personal life with this person when we were together, but I ended up sharing too much about some of my problems and accidentally drew her into a mess she should have never been a part of. I completely understood when she told me she thought it would be best for us just to be friends, and later, for us to stop talking altogether. It's been a few months since then, but I've felt so lonely in a way I never have before.
I don't really know what my purpose is. In between the moving pieces of my busy schedule, I've researched dozens of religions hoping they could give me meaning, but most of them came up empty. Almost every religion boiled down to doing things to make myself happy, or doing good things to make sure I am happy in eternity. It's certainly oversimplifying things, but anything in this life just feels so pointless, like a horrible comedy that just drags on way too long without any real purpose whatsoever. If there really is an eternal paradise, I would never be good enough to get there. Plus, if there is a god, the last thing I said to him was that I hated him and that's still true so I don't think that ends well if I'm trying to get rewarded by him in any way.
I've tried cbting probably four or five times at this point, my stupid SI or just poor planning have always gotten the better of me and I've pretty much deemed it impossible for me to easily end things. Sure, I could drive my car off a cliff or something but most methods just have stupidly low success rates and I don't really want to try something stupid and end up making my life even worse.
I'm going in and out of crisis mode, I'm having a hard time focusing on anything and motivating myself to do work has been a big struggle. I feel so empty and I don't know what's going to help me. Even with a great family who supports me and a few close friends who still care about how I'm doing, I just feel lonely all the time without her. I hope she's been able to move on from me but honestly I'm not sure and I'm worried about her.
I don't want to love another person again because I know I'll just end up hurting them instead of helping them because I'm stupidly selfish and make dumb decisions that have time and time again ruined my closest friendships.
...I have absolutely no idea where I was going with this.
I was doing alright about a year and a half ago, called myself a Christian but lived pretty indifferently, had a few friends but wasn't married and had never really considered it much. I lived mostly in isolation but never really minded it. Then about a year ago I met a woman at our church who was perhaps one of the happiest people I ever met; we got to know each other and ended up dating for about five months.
Then I royally screwed everything up.
I suppose I've always been great at screwing friendships up, as I haven't kept any of my close childhood friends, mostly because of my own dumb decisions. But it had never really bothered me before. Like I said, I used to be happy by myself. Now I feel miserable. I shared a lot of my personal life with this person when we were together, but I ended up sharing too much about some of my problems and accidentally drew her into a mess she should have never been a part of. I completely understood when she told me she thought it would be best for us just to be friends, and later, for us to stop talking altogether. It's been a few months since then, but I've felt so lonely in a way I never have before.
I don't really know what my purpose is. In between the moving pieces of my busy schedule, I've researched dozens of religions hoping they could give me meaning, but most of them came up empty. Almost every religion boiled down to doing things to make myself happy, or doing good things to make sure I am happy in eternity. It's certainly oversimplifying things, but anything in this life just feels so pointless, like a horrible comedy that just drags on way too long without any real purpose whatsoever. If there really is an eternal paradise, I would never be good enough to get there. Plus, if there is a god, the last thing I said to him was that I hated him and that's still true so I don't think that ends well if I'm trying to get rewarded by him in any way.
I've tried cbting probably four or five times at this point, my stupid SI or just poor planning have always gotten the better of me and I've pretty much deemed it impossible for me to easily end things. Sure, I could drive my car off a cliff or something but most methods just have stupidly low success rates and I don't really want to try something stupid and end up making my life even worse.
I'm going in and out of crisis mode, I'm having a hard time focusing on anything and motivating myself to do work has been a big struggle. I feel so empty and I don't know what's going to help me. Even with a great family who supports me and a few close friends who still care about how I'm doing, I just feel lonely all the time without her. I hope she's been able to move on from me but honestly I'm not sure and I'm worried about her.
I don't want to love another person again because I know I'll just end up hurting them instead of helping them because I'm stupidly selfish and make dumb decisions that have time and time again ruined my closest friendships.
...I have absolutely no idea where I was going with this.
