Venting Just a place for my thoughts

[Rainork]

Some of you may know of me (mostly due to an attempt earlier this year) but most probably won't.
Since my attempt I've been trying my hardest to recover, taking the help offered to me, exercising often, getting outside, eating healthily (you know, all those things that are meant to 'help')- but, surprise surprise (not), I'm still depressed and battling with my mind every day about continuing to live.

In all honesty I don't know if/when I'm going to ctb, at this current point I'm actively trying not to plan anything or let myself get caught up in my suicidal feelings- yet I still spent today thinking about how I'd do it 'if I decide I want to' and went and got myself a rope 'just in case'. It actually feels like in taking away the control of planning my own death has forced those suicidal needs into a more compulsive place that's becoming harder for me to keep control of with each passing day.

Whilst navigating whatever the fuck my brain's been doing since my attempt, I've often found myself wanting to write about my feelings somewhere but have always had a guilt about posting here, especially with creating new posts and feeling like I'm taking up space where I shouldn't be (I feel like that sounds silly- but trauma is a cunt and c-ptsd does weird things inside my brain).

So, after quite a lot of contemplation, I've decided to create myself a vent feed where I will write whatever's going on whenever I feel like I need to.

I already journal but often share that with a select few who are close to me and sometimes my therapist and there are some things I don't feel 'safe' to write in there because of the fear of repercussions should someone in my real life read it.

Sorry for the long intro here that, realistically, no one gives a shit about.
But yeah, from here will be whatever random shit I may write.
Sometimes it'll be poetic, sometimes it'll be drunken ramblings and, if nothing else, it may give people an insight to my journey should the day come that I do successfully ctb.

Feel free to also share any thoughts around things should anything I say resonate or bring up thoughts/feelings that you'd also like to share.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I hope you continue to improve yourself and the suicidal thoughts eventually drift away completely. You don't deserve to suffer, and you don't deserve to be led to suicide. Much love, I'm wishing all the best for you.

 

[LostZombie]

Sorry for the long intro here that, realistically, no one gives a shit about.

Hey, we care about you on here even if no one else you know will. That's why we are here because we know others on here do care, and we do our best to help eachother figure out these fun little emotions.

It's good your getting these thoughts down so we can help you understand what they mean, and help you understand yourself better to make the best well educated descions.

 

[Rainork]

I hope you continue to improve yourself and the suicidal thoughts eventually drift away completely. You don't deserve to suffer, and you don't deserve to be led to suicide. Much love, I'm wishing all the best for you.

Thank you, I hope they will do too but I'm dubious.. that's the main thing I'm struggling with recently because I don't think they will ever really leave me and choosing to carry on has just been getting harder every day.

Hey, we care about you on here even if no one else you know will. That's why we are here because we know others on here do care, and we do our best to help eachother figure out these fun little emotions.

It's good your getting these thoughts down so we can help you understand what they mean, and help you understand yourself better to make the best well educated descions.

Thank you for your kind words. I do hope having somewhere to put things down where those reading it will actually understand may do some good- I really am just desperately trying anything at the moment to lessen the pain I feel each day whilst I'm still alive
-----
Today's been a weird place inside my head. I'm working a couple of conventions over the upcoming weekends, which in some way is helpful because it gives me a reason to push past my suicidal impulses but it's also making it even more painful feeling like I can't do it. I suppose it's a perfect summary of my life- sitting in constant pain to be able to help others and be of service to humanity.
I was reading the post that was getting traction yesterday about if suicide is selfish and/or cowardly and it left me only thinking about how my life has been selfless because I've only ever stayed alive for other people. If killing myself had no effect on others I would have left this earth nearly 20 years ago and yet I'm still sat in tears thinking only of others when trying to decide whether to live or die.
Until today I had been convincing myself I wouldn't be setting a date or planning to die- that changed today. I have set a date and decided on a method (although I'm still debating trying to purchase some drugs online to create a deadly cocktail inside).
It's weird because I think that in feeling like I've lost the option to do it whenever I may choose to I have, instead, been pushed to feeling the need to plan a date instead.
Right now, I'm not sure if I will go through with things on that date or if it's just a way to comfort myself from the excruciating pain inside of me. Either way, seeing an end to it sure does make it more bearable for now.