TraumaEscapee:)
I hate my birth family
- Apr 30, 2023
- 217
Hi,
I'm seeing someone very important to me on Friday. He doesn't know I'm seeing him with the intention of saying bye (it won't be explicitly so he'll never know) and then over the weekend or on Monday next week I'll end my life. I don't believe there is any hope. Each day is very difficult and joyless. I experience nothing but extreme anxiety and the only thing my medication does is treat the physical effects of the anxiety it doesn't treat the psychological effects. I'm also homeless. There's so much in my life that I'm not proud of. Especially the childhood bestowed upon me by my birth family and their awful actions in my adulthood. I just can't forgive them. I just want to go. I've been feeling this way for a long time. My birth family destroyed me. They left me with BPD and c-ptsd. I've only stuck around so long because I was waiting for the forgiveness of that man and I wanted to apologise to him in person he means a lot to me, he's kinda like a guardian angel in human form (the kinda person who's just kind, caring, trustworthy and there for you). He's actually taught me the best lesson in life. The lesson is that I am worth it and I'm not worth giving up on. If I was, then he would have abandoned me like everyone else did. This time I leave my life. I just need to say bye to him. All these years I've been coping with the trauma of the sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse I experienced from my birth family aswell as their stalking and harassment of me. It's left a huge scar in the form of c-ptsd and bpd. It's completely ruined my life. I have friends, I am smart, I am supposed to go to university again, I am liked, I am a good person, I am generous and kind but the illnesses caused by my birth family cause me too much pain on a daily basis. I take medication, I pay for private therapy and I engage with professionals. I'm too tired to live. I'll never heal from the scars my birth family inflicted upon me. I want to die happy though. And that I will have achieved because when I say bye to the man (in the form of a visit without him knowing I only turned up to say bye inside my heart) it will make me happy because I'll have died knowing we atleast made amends. He's never hurt me or used me, and no one in that hostel has ever hurt me or used me. I'm proud of them. Anyway that's all. I'll say bye to you all too when I swallow the SN.
I'm seeing someone very important to me on Friday. He doesn't know I'm seeing him with the intention of saying bye (it won't be explicitly so he'll never know) and then over the weekend or on Monday next week I'll end my life. I don't believe there is any hope. Each day is very difficult and joyless. I experience nothing but extreme anxiety and the only thing my medication does is treat the physical effects of the anxiety it doesn't treat the psychological effects. I'm also homeless. There's so much in my life that I'm not proud of. Especially the childhood bestowed upon me by my birth family and their awful actions in my adulthood. I just can't forgive them. I just want to go. I've been feeling this way for a long time. My birth family destroyed me. They left me with BPD and c-ptsd. I've only stuck around so long because I was waiting for the forgiveness of that man and I wanted to apologise to him in person he means a lot to me, he's kinda like a guardian angel in human form (the kinda person who's just kind, caring, trustworthy and there for you). He's actually taught me the best lesson in life. The lesson is that I am worth it and I'm not worth giving up on. If I was, then he would have abandoned me like everyone else did. This time I leave my life. I just need to say bye to him. All these years I've been coping with the trauma of the sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse I experienced from my birth family aswell as their stalking and harassment of me. It's left a huge scar in the form of c-ptsd and bpd. It's completely ruined my life. I have friends, I am smart, I am supposed to go to university again, I am liked, I am a good person, I am generous and kind but the illnesses caused by my birth family cause me too much pain on a daily basis. I take medication, I pay for private therapy and I engage with professionals. I'm too tired to live. I'll never heal from the scars my birth family inflicted upon me. I want to die happy though. And that I will have achieved because when I say bye to the man (in the form of a visit without him knowing I only turned up to say bye inside my heart) it will make me happy because I'll have died knowing we atleast made amends. He's never hurt me or used me, and no one in that hostel has ever hurt me or used me. I'm proud of them. Anyway that's all. I'll say bye to you all too when I swallow the SN.
