ShadowedChaos
LostSoul
- Oct 2, 2024
- 35
I have options I really do but I don't know if I have the drive or will to do it anymore. I'm tired of being here in this world in this place. I don't know part of me is pissed off and I've been thinking about the times I was in state hospital and my residentials or even the hospitals. I can't keep going back do you know what it's like to try to kill yourself for years ending up in the same place and having those staff see you grow and come back every time. Everything's fucking with my mental I feel like I'm going crazy and I hate it. I just want to be okay I'm tired of being cut up used and abused I just want to be okay. I used to be a hopeless romantic now I can't even know if I know or ever knew what love is I had to learn it myself but maybe that's even incorrect. I'm tired of running a blade down my arms and legs to stop myself from overdosing or to even stop me from wanting to cut my throat I already have scars there so does it even matter at this point. I've screamed at the person in the mirror told him the most vile shit you've ever heard screamed at him to just kill himself. Why do I feel this way my life's been so strange and I'm tired of being tossed about in the waves of life. I used to look in the mirror and be able to at least smile now whenever I look in I just see someone who is broken and damaged just like Dead Leaves by Gao the Arsonist he said "Tell me I'm more than just damaged parts". I feel this weight in my chest lately similar to a pit in the stomach this heavy feeling I haven't felt in years. I'm trying to hold on but my grasp is slipping I'm falling down into a bottomless pit that I don't know if I can get out of. I hate it, I hate life, I fucking hate me, I hate all the treatments fucking me up and traumatizing me more and taking parts of my soul out of me to feel less than worthless. I've been called a boy toy since I was 13 and everytime I hear it even recently even though she did tell them I'm not a boy toy but I don't know maybe I am maybe it's all I'm meant for. Is it terrible to want to get used for my body and just succumb to it to at least feel for a second just one fucking second that I'm worth anything anything at fucking all like hand me back the glass shards that used to be my heart, cut me with the same love that was stolen from me. I'm still realizing that's all I've been good for or at least that's all people have wanted out of me they feign but most of the time I see it. That's what fucking hurts I see it all coming but I can't ever stop it I can talk and say and do whatever I can but in the end I see the little slips the little lies that don't add up. I notice so much that I wish I didn't if I was lobotomized at least I'd be happy because I wouldn't have to deal with this I wouldn't have to think I'd just be. I've been so stuck in survival for years and just barely realized it recently and the toll it has took on me. I was with someone everyday for so long thst even though I heard of codependency before but fuck until I physically felt withdrawals from being away from her too feel that ache but this was different from even all the times before I let someone look into the deepest depths of my soul only to be thrown into the flames. I want to die I really really do I might sell some of my stuff so I can buy a gun and not have to be here to have just one trigger pull seperate me from something I've attempted my whole life. I could just try to overdose my meds in combination with other ones and I found some old ones that were completely different ones I remember saving up swallowing handfuls of pills and chugging water tears streaming down my face laying down in a room all alone saving up my meds for months only to survive. I scarred myself with some of my own attempts I'm scared to some of the lengths I've gone and how I felt to even get there. I tried to make homemade chloroform got multiple bags filled put it on a cloth inside of a garbage bag over my mouth and nose taped down so if I was unconscious I still wouldn't wake up I opened the bags and set them in there with all the fumes going I wrapped a belt around my neck which was in a garbage bag as hard as I could get it till I was turning red in the face I remember waking up I didn't know what time it was when it was but I was coughing the worst cough I've ever had for weeks straight but that feeling of being so done and laying down too wake up hair somewhat bleached everything ringing nauseous couldn't think and in so much pain too feel the peace of finally wanting to be free then waking up and there's so many more some worse some less so. But fuck why why was me who was just a kid even get to that point why does my life have to be so fucking hard I've tried numbing the pain it's collapsing the walls I built to keep myself safe this pain is getting so extreme again. I don't know what I'm even supposed to do. Do I just do a 200 something pill overdose I did more before. I've been screaming at myself why am I so fucking weak why can't I just end it fuck I'm only 22 why do I feel this way I've tried so many different pills, therapies, treatments, and what just to be told I'm the most complex case they've seen but what because I'm self aware too fucking self aware it means that what I'm just okay I'm just supposed to deal with it they even tell me they don't really know what's wrong with me if I compiled a list of everything I've been diagnosed with in my life I'd be one of the most mentally ill people. I've had heart rates in the 30s for weeks at placements before and then I dip below into the 20s I go to the hospital and you know what they tell me it's stress. Have you seen the look in someone sees when they look at your vitals and notice something that scares them and they give the little nervous hey do you want to drink some water. I'm sorry for this rant why am I though why do I say sorry so much is it because it felt safe to always be the problem when I wasnt to place all the blame and weight on me I feel bad even asking for basic essentials even for something to eat or anything else for that matter. I feel like a burden a waste of time, space, and energy. Maybe my time should be here soon I don't know I want to disappear. Even typing all of this half of me says just fucking erase it. I've stared at myself in the mirror before asking to myself who are you what are you. I don't know who I am anymore and that's a really scary feeling for me. Things don't feel real for me a lot of the time I try not to think about it but there's time's it all just hit's me out of these blue or something happens that has me questioning my life my reality and everything. I used to be the person who helped everyone through things the person who had all the answers but they don't work for me and never have. Even when things look like they're going good something gets tossed into it all and it crumbles and crashes down and I get hurt and destroyed I rebuild walls or hide myself try to protect myself to be so scared in your own room to have to hide under the bed and freeze too feel your heart pounding with every footstep that creaks through. I don't know what to do anymore I've been told I'm the perfect example of a self fulfilling prophecy and it's kind of true ig whatever I put my mind to I can do but with everything else wracking my brain and all this pain that goes back to as long as I can remember. I could go on but maybe for another time I just want rest a deep deep rest like a coma or just death idk. I'm weighing everything looking at the pros and cons and the final result is looking dark. I'm trying not to cut but all I've been wanting to do is slice myself up watch all my blood drip down my arms and eventually get woozy and pass out. I've seen and been through too to much I can't connect to anyone well I can but they can't fully connect to me I don't know how to describe it. Like I can get along with anybody but I never have felt I truly belong. If you got this far thank you for reading my depressing Ted Talk sorry it's a mess my thoughts are everywhere right now. I wouldn't wish how this feels on anybody else.
