Venting It's my birthday today

[deadbeatpoet]

I had planned to throw a party at a local spot but cancelled it yesterday out of dread and anxiety. I told everyone I was sick. I have called off of work all week because, although I have been a bit sick lately, my anxiety has been crippling. A friend tried to take me to dinner today and we drove an hour and I couldn't get out of the car. We drove back in silence.

I told my therapist again yesterday how horribly anxious I've been. Lately it's been difficult even going to the grocery store again, and I often have panic attacks once or more a day. Out and at home in anticipation of leaving or talking to people. It's almost as bad as before again. My health has been getting worse again but all of my tests keep coming back fine. I tend to only leave the house to go to work and classes, other mandatory obligations. Everything else I cancel or postpone.

I told my therapist I wish I could live by myself, work from home, have all my things delivered. Never see anyone again. Never leave my house. Just write and edit and submit and stare at the screen. I told her I didn't want to be observed anymore and she asked if I meant judged. The party was to say goodbye, I think.

I bought a cake anyways. I blew out the candles by myself. I wished I could die by the end of the year. I won't tell anyone else what I wished for. I spent today disappearing, alone.

 

[telekon]

Just enjoy the day to yourself :) It's your day. Spend it how you like. I always spend my birthday alone and order more sushi than I can afford and get drunk.

Happy birthday

 

[EmptyBottle]

'Crisis' Resources for anxiety attacks and emotional overwhelm

Written by @Dot, I am just being the voice so more people can understand it. Okay, so you are having an anxiety episode. It is worth remembering when suffering anxiety attack, that you are safe, despite your body throwing out symptoms and telling you otherwise. We have compiled a list of...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Maybe these resources can help? (tho yes, a bit late for me to link)

PS: there were times where I wished non-existence too.

Just enjoy the day to yourself :) It's your day. Spend it how you like. I always spend my birthday alone and order more sushi than I can afford and get drunk.

Happy birthday

I like sushi too :3

 

[emilyprentiss]

 

[Greasyhair]

"Monia armorikkaita vuosia" or many memory rich years as they say here.

I have had close to the same exact car experience as you. Back when I was younger three of my friends kidnapped me from my home, and when we arrived at fast food resteraunt I couldn't go order.

I hope you manage to break the spell, though I know there are no cures, just better and worse periods of time.

 

[darksouls]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 

[madwoman]

I'm sorry for how you are feeling. My agoraphobia is starting to ramp up so I know some of your pain. Happy birthday

 

[elenaboo25]

Happy Birthday

 

[Irisse]

Happy birthday!

 

[Ladyybugged]

as a certified birthday hater (who only hates her own birthday), i feel you.
even tho it isn't the "happiest" birthday for you, it's still one that's worth wishing.
so happy birthday stranger

 

[lost in the lilies]

Happy Birthday

 

[$yck]

I understand that feeling 100%. Happy Birthday :]

 

[SoulWantsHome]

Happy birthday! :)

 

[Roadrunner]

Wishing you the best, I think I know how you feel. Sounds very similar to most days for me too.

 

[mysticatedwine]

happy birthday

 

[woodlandcreature]

I'm a fellow birthday hater haha. I spent my birthday alone as I don't have friends and I don't talk to my family. Haven't celebrated in years - sometimes it's whatever and sometimes it really feels like a shame. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. Happy birthday <3

 

[deadbeatpoet]

Called off work again today and put my phone on DND. Been quite active on here today. Dreading going back to work and classes and everything... It's been too nice being sick and getting to stay home. It'd be nice to WFH.
Thank you for the bday wishes everyone.

 

[MissAbyss]

Happy birthday!