Venting It's been 8 years and I'm still not over my ex girlfriend

[dayhell]

We were only together for a short time but that was the happiest I've ever been in my entire miserable life. The love I felt for her was something magical and when she broke up with me because she simply fell out of love, it broke me. We parted ways peacefully and I never blamed her, but it really messed me up. I was already horribly depressed and in therapy, then this happened and I started having anger issues and homicidal ideation that tormented me for many years. I couldn't stop fantasizing about hurting her and killing her while I had to quietly sit next to her in the classroom and try not to lose my mind until we graduated. And then I never saw her again.

After a long time I did forget about her and fell in love again and again but it never worked out. No one else could make me as happy as she did and I'd do anything to feel that way again with someone. I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl right now and I do love her, but my feelings aren't nearly as intense and the contrast is killing me. A few days ago some things came together that reminded me of her again and I'm back to my broken, pitiful, angry self. I'm crying all the time, I miss her so much and I don't know how to handle this is a way that is fair to my current girlfriend.

I found my ex's old tumblr account, she still uses it, and saw that she's happy with someone else and it hurts although that was obviously expected. I created a new, nameless account and sent her a kind message wishing her a good day but it's been many hours and she hasn't responded yet and I know that it would be best to deactivate it right now instead of begging her for that 10 seconds of attention it takes to answer a random ask she might just ignore anyway. I'm so pathetic and unfair to my girlfriend who actually loves me and gives me her time and attention. I wish I could love her more intensely and cherish her more and be a good partner instead of the piece of shit I'm being right now behind her back.

I just want it to stop hurting, I want my dreams about her to stop for good, I want to be free of these chains. It feels like as if I ate a perfect cake one time and then everything else tastes like cardboard in comparison forever. I hate my life and I wish I was dead more than anything. I loathe this painful existence I'm being forced through and I want to finally end it all for good.

 

[Drogon]

I know this all too well . I also have an ex that I don't think I'll truly move past . This has thrown a wrench in my relationships ever since although it has been over 12 years . I'm hopeful you find peace and can find a way to move on .

 

[F@#$]

Love is a lie

 

[violetforever]

what is the point of getting with somebody new when u aren't over ur ex or even trying to work towards it? i'm asking sincerely. are u just afraid of being alone?

 

[dayhell]

I know this all too well . I also have an ex that I don't think I'll truly move past . This has thrown a wrench in my relationships ever since although it has been over 12 years . I'm hopeful you find peace and can find a way to move on .

Thank you, I wish the same to you.

what is the point of getting with somebody new when u aren't over ur ex or even trying to work towards it? i'm asking sincerely. are u just afraid of being alone?

I thought I was over her, I was completely fine about it until a few days ago. I was so confident in it that I casually went to look for pics of her online because I really liked her haircut and wanted something similar for myself now. And it was all good, no problem until my gf sent me a post about feeling teenage love again at my age and then it all suddenly came back and I realized that my current feelings are not much compared to when I was 18, and so on and so forth... so yeah I was over her, or at least my feelings were dormant for a long time and resurfaced only now.

I'm not so sure about getting the haircut anymore...

 

[violetforever]

I thought I was over her, I was completely fine about it until a few days ago. I was so confident in it that I casually went to look for pics of her online because I really liked her haircut and wanted something similar for myself now. And it was all good, no problem until my gf sent me a post about feeling teenage love again at my age and then it all suddenly came back and I realized that my current feelings are not much compared to when I was 18, and so on and so forth... so yeah I was over her, or at least my feelings were dormant for a long time and resurfaced only now.

I'm not so sure about getting the haircut anymore...

oh thanks for the explanation. 8 years is so long. i wonder why some people just have that impact on us like no other. it probably is for the best to try to avoid anything that reminds you of her and definitely don't try to reach out in any way. i hope you already deleted that account you made to message her. i don't think anything good will come from it.

 

[dayhell]

oh thanks for the explanation. 8 years is so long. i wonder why some people just have that impact on us like no other. it probably is for the best to try to avoid anything that reminds you of her and definitely don't try to reach out in any way. i hope you already deleted that account you made to message her. i don't think anything good will come from it.

You're right, and I did delete the account today. I was just waiting to see if she replies but she didn't anyway so whatever. Maybe I should do something dramatic like write my feelings down and say goodbye on a piece of paper and burn it or put it in a bottle and throw it into the river as a symbolic way to let go... it feels a bit cringe but if it might help I'll do it

 

[violetforever]

Maybe I should do something dramatic like write my feelings down and say goodbye on a piece of paper and burn it or put it in a bottle and throw it into the river as a symbolic way to let go... it feels a bit cringe but if it might help I'll do it

i'm a self proclaimed dramatic and i've done so many things like that lol. when i wrote my feelings down in tears i would end up ripping the pages to pieces because i felt exposed having my thoughts visibly displayed on paper. some of what i wrote made me realize how consumed i got to be. so i guess it did help to soothe me. i got my feelings out and sent them away. you already seem able to mostly manage but since the feelings came up again this might help you to just move past this period.

 

[dayhell]

i'm a self proclaimed dramatic and i've done so many things like that lol. when i wrote my feelings down in tears i would end up ripping the pages to pieces because i felt exposed having my thoughts visibly displayed on paper. some of what i wrote made me realize how consumed i got to be. so i guess it did help to soothe me. i got my feelings out and sent them away. you already seem able to mostly manage but since the feelings came up again this might help you to just move past this period.

I remember writing a gory poem once, I even read it aloud to my therapist and she suggested that I express myself artistically more lol
Now I got my feelings out, too. If all goes well, I will send them away tomorrow.

 

[dayhell]

Update: I wrote my feelings down in a letter and put it in a bottle. I visited my old high school and the places in that town that held memories with her. Unfortunately most of such places are out of my reach now, but I think there was still a point in going. I also drew a flower in the snow because her name means flower in our language. My final destination was the old, rusty bridge where she held me tight once and we were really happy that day. It's not a sceneric spot that the occasion would call for, but for me it was perfect. That's where I thanked her for all the good times, said goodbye to her, then threw my letter into the river and watched it float away. I smoked a cigarette and went home.
I sincerely hope that she's found happiness with her current girlfriend and that I will be able to move on from this.

I know this all too well . I also have an ex that I don't think I'll truly move past . This has thrown a wrench in my relationships ever since although it has been over 12 years . I'm hopeful you find peace and can find a way to move on .

Actually, do you happen to have song recommendations that are about this situation? I know there are many songs like that out there but I only know a few and I want more songs for when I want to cry my feelings out instead of repressing them. I was just wondering if you listen to anything like that.

 

[metfan647]

I went through a couple of relationships over the years feeling very similar. My first one was particularly intense and it was her who ended it quite spontaneously. It shattered my whole world and I became an irrational zombie. I obsessed over her for some 5 years. Stalking her social media account in hope of an update, revisiting places where we shared memories to wallow in my self-pity and feel sad.

I started to get better when I went cold turkey. I forced myself to stop thinking about her and finding her online. It wasn't easy and for a long time, I only managed a few days but that soon became months and the months became merely a curious glance after years. I can't actually recall the last time now.

Despite having discovered some evidence of betrayal whilst with her, I was truly besotted with her. Yet, after nearly 20 years and multiple relationships, I've never felt that level of emotion (lust, love, whatever). Some of the emotions were probably down to my underdeveloped 19-year-old brain and her being my first. She was also like nobody I've ever known intimately...highly intelligent, perspicacious, multilingual, highly confident. Everything I'm not.

I think the anger and hatred I developed after that experience really jaded me and set me up for a lifetime of cynicism and misanthropy. I really was a different person after the whole experience and I went from a person who assumed the best until proven otherwise to a very bitter man.

Would have been a great time to do therapy, but how the hell was I to know?

 

[dayhell]

I went through a couple of relationships over the years feeling very similar. My first one was particularly intense and it was her who ended it quite spontaneously. It shattered my whole world and I became an irrational zombie. I obsessed over her for some 5 years. Stalking her social media account in hope of an update, revisiting places where we shared memories to wallow in my self-pity and feel sad.

I started to get better when I went cold turkey. I forced myself to stop thinking about her and finding her online. It wasn't easy and for a long time, I only managed a few days but that soon became months and the months became merely a curious glance after years. I can't actually recall the last time now.

Despite having discovered some evidence of betrayal whilst with her, I was truly besotted with her. Yet, after nearly 20 years and multiple relationships, I've never felt that level of emotion (lust, love, whatever). Some of the emotions were probably down to my underdeveloped 19-year-old brain and her being my first. She was also like nobody I've ever known intimately...highly intelligent, perspicacious, multilingual, highly confident. Everything I'm not.

I think the anger and hatred I developed after that experience really jaded me and set me up for a lifetime of cynicism and misanthropy. I really was a different person after the whole experience and I went from a person who assumed the best until proven otherwise to a very bitter man.

Would have been a great time to do therapy, but how the hell was I to know?

I was only 18 at the time, too, so I probably got high on those teenager hormones that fade with age and I'll never feel that level of emotion again either. Which is just unfair. And in my case it was also the thrill of being gay and hiding it from everyone. Having to keep it our secret and pretend to be just friends unless we were alone made the relationship all the more exciting. At this point, me liking both men and women is just an everyday fact of life.

I'm sorry about what you went through after losing her, it must have been really hard to process. I also blocked her social media account to stop myself from checking it. I know that it's not good for me.

 

[metfan647]

I was only 18 at the time, too, so I probably got high on those teenager hormones that fade with age and I'll never feel that level of emotion again either. Which is just unfair. And in my case it was also the thrill of being gay and hiding it from everyone. Having to keep it our secret and pretend to be just friends unless we were alone made the relationship all the more exciting. At this point, me liking both men and women is just an everyday fact of life.

I'm sorry about what you went through after losing her, it must have been really hard to process. I also blocked her social media account to stop myself from checking it. I know that it's not good for me.

I think I can relate to the 'taboo' part too and the sneaking around. Full disclosure, she was my cousin (shock horror!).

Thank you and likewise. I think the moving on means you have to live experiences that eclipse the relationship. I couldn't find that through someone else. I found myself searching for her in others, searching for an equally-intensive relationship. It was fruitless. I then got obsessed with hobbies which were very encompassing, the odd friendship/acquaintance with some unsavory characters which put me in some sticky situations, changing city multiple times and extensively travelling. I'm not saying you're not living your life, you may be doing far more adventurous things.

Anyway, I totally get why this is all making you want to ctb after all these years. My suicidal ideations were through the roof for years after. Ironically I just found other pretexts for them after her. For whatever hypersensitivies I admittedly had/have and the other factors you mentioned made it a recipe for an enduring trauma. It does pass, not that you may believe that or want to actually hear/read (quite honestly, a part of me didn't want those feelings to go as it was in a way keeping me attached to the memories).

 

[rs929]

Hey, I'm curious, what does your therapist say? Have you explored your childhood for trauma?

You have pedestalized her in a way that I believe is irrational. 8 years is way too much. You don't even know her that much.

Normally when you want to forget an ex you go absolutely no contact. Throw away pictures. Never go on their social media. Block her everywhere. There are posts and videos on YouTube about that. Search something like "ex no contact" and they will just up.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Love is bittersweet

 

[dayhell]

Hey, I'm curious, what does your therapist say? Have you explored your childhood for trauma?

You have pedestalized her in a way that I believe is irrational. 8 years is way too much. You don't even know her that much.

Normally when you want to forget an ex you go absolutely no contact. Throw away pictures. Never go on their social media. Block her everywhere. There are posts and videos on YouTube about that. Search something like "ex no contact" and they will just up.

I'm not in therapy anymore and I don't have any childhood trauma.
I did manage to forget her for years, photos deleted and I never checked her social media. It's just that it all unexpectedly came back now for some reason and well I did go check her out again out of curiosity (blocked her since for my own good). It's been a week now since it restarted and I'm considering trying to find a therapist again if it won't go away but to be fair I really don't want to go.
I do believe that it's not really her that I miss, I just want to love like that again. But it's also true that if she asked me out again (100% not going to happen, I shouldn't even think about it), I'd throw away everything for her. I don't know how to stop thinking about her, but even if I did that, I feel like I would just be repressing it.

 

[marksofdespair]

what is the point of getting with somebody new when u aren't over ur ex or even trying to work towards it? i'm asking sincerely. are u just afraid of being alone?

a lot of people do that in hopes of trying to move on and sometimes it works.

oh thanks for the explanation. 8 years is so long. i wonder why some people just have that impact on us like no other. it probably is for the best to try to avoid anything that reminds you of her and definitely don't try to reach out in any way. i hope you already deleted that account you made to message her. i don't think anything good will come from it.

when you are so attached and obsessed with someone you can't just avoid things that remind you of them. every little thing does, it could be as simple as something totally random on tv, or on social media. hell, if you have it really bad it could even be something you have to do in your day-to-day life.

Hey, I'm curious, what does your therapist say? Have you explored your childhood for trauma?

You have pedestalized her in a way that I believe is irrational. 8 years is way too much. You don't even know her that much.

Normally when you want to forget an ex you go absolutely no contact. Throw away pictures. Never go on their social media. Block her everywhere. There are posts and videos on YouTube about that. Search something like "ex no contact" and they will just up.

a lot of us here aren't normal and don't think normally. we are mentally ill.

 

[violetforever]

when you are so attached and obsessed with someone you can't just avoid things that remind you of them. every little thing does, it could be as simple as something totally random on tv, or on social media. hell, if you have it really bad it could even be something you have to do in your day-to-day life.

i know you just described what i've been dealing with for close to 2 years now.