It's all right here (SN and stuff)

[stardewwindceres]

I have a box sitting in my closet with 200 mgs of SN, 100 mgs of Meto, a scale, and well, in 8 days I'll have 600 mg of Valium, right now I only have 120 mg of Valium so, I guess a week would be better. But my point is, it's all right here. Finally a reliable method, almost guaranteed to work, I can be out of here any time I want. But here I am, seriously considering another round of ECT again (outpatient) that I know only might work to get rid of the acute suicidal feelings for maybe a month or two and then I'll be right back to where I am here. Ofc I am also curious if I can fry this out of my brain maybe? Or what I can fry out of my brain. But is this just survival instinct? Because I don't even want to survive. I don't even have the instincts to survive, ironicly. I could never survive on my own. What the fuck am I doing?

Yes, the stuff will still be here. But why am I even thinking of prolonging it? Until recently I have intended to keep the promise I made to myself about not killing myself until I truly have no reason to live, which is after my dog dies but I know, I'll be dead, so no consciousness or awareness and it's not like dogs understand promises anyways. She's around the age that dogs her size tend to die but she's healthy so it could be months or it could be another year or more. I can't take that. And I literally have nothing to look forward to. Life is all downhill from here. Like objectively. Is this survival instinct? I mean the shit that I was so lucky to find is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!!! (only a week for the large dose of Valium) What the fuck am I waiting for? Really.

 

[getoutgirl]

i don't know if it is survival instinct. i'd obviously prefer if you could manage to fry that out of your brain yea... you are clearly in a lot of pain and there is a point when just sutviving is too exhausting. hard to say where that end point is for sure, maybe you can fry it out if there's something calling you to it, to stay around more than just surviving, live or smthing. obviously i can't promise anything, i just hope you get easier days your way.
i'm also glad u have a dog, give it a pet <3
I wish you the best, big hugs

 

[ifihadnever]

I am sort of in the same situaition. I have all I need in front of me. But I'm waiting for my will to come back so I can sign it...then everything will be in place and i just have to commit to that finial act. The wait is killing me. I didn't know sorting out a will could take so long...
Just waiting.....werid feeling...horrible feeling actually....

 

[Eriktf]

did you mean 200 g or mg of SN???

i would wait for the Valium its just a few more days, i much rather take 600mg then 120mg valium with sn.

 

[nobody_oac]

I was desperate and resulted to ECT. It did the same thing for me, stopped the ctb urge. It caused so many other issues though. My memory getting wrecked was the worst. I had a steel trap, and now it's a box propped up by a stick with hole in the top. Even in my darkest hours I would never do it again.

My Cats are one of the reasons I am still here. I'm not sure how long you have had your Dog, but they will most certainly be sad when you are gone. I always worry that other people won't look after them when I'm gone, or they would sit in a shelter for the rest of their lives. I couldn't do it to them. When I took them in, I made a decision to care for these living things and I intend to follow through. Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm just impressing that I used it to keep myself holding on a little longer.

Which leads me to my next point. When I get to the bus stop, there is something that pulls me back. There is definitely SI, but I always felt like there was something else pulling. I've failed once and I remember the pain that lead me there. When the pain becomes enough, nothing else matters.

Whatever happens, I respect your choice. I hope you can find some peace in mean time.

What is the longest you have survived on Don't Starve? I have been procrastinating on getting my ancient PC hooked up. Game time with people helped me a lot till I lost, well, everyone.

 

[Unknown21]

I have everything since 2023 and I couldn't do anything with it, the biggest thing i did was trying it till i went to the hospital.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I have everything since 2023 and I couldn't do anything with it, the biggest thing i did was trying it till i went to the hospital.

Yeah. that's one reason i haven't drunk it. i fear my si calling the ER hospital. i fear my si momentarily tricking me into doing that which would be the worst stupidest thing ever. i've seen many stories mostly here but a few on the internet who took N or SN and called the ER hospital themselves. t

hospital would be the worst thing cause of personal disabilities and other reasons . there is no way i can go to the hospital. and then the creeps could put in a mental hospital after they resuscitate me in their ER. they could keep me prisoner in their mental hospital for days , weeks, months etc. and i need to kill myself very soon. i'm being vague about my personal disabilities and situation partly because i don't want to be identified or doxed.

 

[clarity]

About a week ago, I had everything ready to go too - the meto, antacids, paracetamol and the cup of SN already mixed with water. Drinking it was harder than I thought. I thought my SI would be easier to overcome with this method, but it still kicked in, hard.

It's my birthday in a few days and I was meant to ctb before then. I'm now also considering either ect, tms or ketamine treatment. But I'm lacking motivation to do anything, and that includes putting in the effort in therapy, and trying to get out of this depression. What's the point?

I also have a cat. She's almost 2 years old now. She's full of personality, I do love her but I really think it's time I left this place.

 

[randomthougts]

About a week ago, I had everything ready to go too - the meto, antacids, paracetamol and the cup of SN already mixed with water. Drinking it was harder than I thought. I thought my SI would be easier to overcome with this method, but it still kicked in, hard.

It's my birthday in a few days and I was meant to ctb before then. I'm now also considering either ect, tms or ketamine treatment. But I'm lacking motivation to do anything, and that includes putting in the effort in therapy, and trying to get out of this depression. What's the point?

I also have a cat. She's almost 2 years old now. She's full of personality, I do love her but I really think it's time I left this place.

My cat is the only thing keeping me alive rn. When my other cat died, i thought to myself that i die too. But i got another one and didnt act. Had that cat for 16 years gave him the best life he could possibly have. I need animals around me to keep me going.

 

[clarity]

My cat is the only thing keeping me alive rn. When my other cat died, i thought to myself that i die too. But i got another one and didnt act. Had that cat for 16 years gave him the best life he could possibly have. I need animals around me to keep me going.

Same here. I think my SI would have been easier to overcome if I didn't have my cat. I did have two cats before and they both made it to 18 years old. I need cats around me to keep me going.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Same here. I think my SI would have been easier to overcome if I didn't have my cat. I did have two cats before and they both made it to 18 years old. I need cats around me to keep me going.

The idea of leaving my cat is so painful, the only part of leaving that is painful, for me besides leaving my best friend. She is almost always near me, always stays in my room or follows me around. She won't let me hold her, but she cuddles up to me every night for a few hours while I game & we watch nature streams on youtube. She is my family.

I think she will ultimately be okay, but it will be a major adjustment to her. I love her so much. The idea of causing confusion or loss for her is unbearable.

As for my human family, I want them to know they drove me to this. They increased pressure on me to recover & are making me feel unwelcome in their home at the time of year when people are supposed to be grateful for what they have. After the way my stepdad spoke to me this morning, I don't think we'll ever speak again. I need to leave his house one way or another and there is only one way that is available to me, due to how depressed I am & that I have no resources.

 

[clarity]

The idea of leaving my cat is so painful, the only part of leaving that is painful, for me besides leaving my best friend. She is almost always near me, always stays in my room or follows me around. She won't let me hold her, but she cuddles up to me every night for a few hours while I game & we watch nature streams on youtube. She is my family.

I think she will ultimately be okay, but it will be a major adjustment to her. I love her so much. The idea of causing confusion or loss for her is unbearable.

As for my human family, I want them to know they drove me to this. They increased pressure on me to recover & are making me feel unwelcome in their home at the time of year when people are supposed to be grateful for what they have. After the way my stepdad spoke to me this morning, I don't think we'll ever speak again. I need to leave his house one way or another and there is only one way that is available to me, due to how depressed I am & that I have no resources.

My cat is also my family. She's not super affectionate, doesn't like being held too much, but she purrs whenever I am near her and shows me her belly. I really hope she goes to a good, loving home if I do manage to overcome SI. I've recently found a good animal shelter and left them money for them to help rehome her when/if they receive news of my passing.

My human family...I don't feel much emotional connection towards them. I feel mixed emotions and most of them are negative. I used to care that my suicide will affect them too much, but I'm starting to care less about that now.

 

[stardewwindceres]

Sorry I posted this and then just kinda disappeared. I pretty much couldn't will myself to get out of bed for a few days, like it's beens so hard just to walk to the bathroom and take my dog outside, I feel awful, I've just been taking her to do her business in the pinestraw by the front door, walking down the stairs to the backyard has been too much. See, now I'm thinking she would be better off without me. My mom can actually get things done and she actually likes my dog. I haven't been checking my phone at all. Just laying in bed and listening to the TV and crying and sleeping when I can. The image of the SN regimen dancing in my head. This whole time I still have this very vivid picture in my mind of how easy it would be to just measure and mix the SN (I meant I had 200 g, not mg- so if I fail I have a few extra tries) take the pills and swallow it and be done with it.

As for the ECT, I have done it before, I know how bad it fucks up your memory and other side effects, but I don't care. My doctors mismanaged my ECT treatment so badly when I did it around 10 years ago, any further damage is not going to matter. I honestly am not thinking that going into ECT is actually going to do anything for my depression, I've been down this road. With TMS and ketamine too. I think I was just born with some presdisposition or some abnormality or defect and this is just something that is not going to get better because it is some kind of brain problem, not soem kind of emotional problem (well something is wrong with my brain that causes the emotion problems, hope that makes sense)

Thank you guys so much for hearing me out and responding with your opinions and advice and just general kindness. I am still in the same place that I was. I keep telling mysef- decide by Friday (when I get the new Valium script filled) but I have a feeling when Friday comes along, I'm still going to have whatever it is that is keeping me from doing this.

Anyway, thank you guys.