Its all ready but why am I still here?

[Terrible_Life]

I have everything prepared now for my full hanging all I need to do is to choose a date and die but this is so fucking difficult. I have all the time this bullshit debate which is like this:
So my life is absolutely unbearable i don't want it any longer. I suffer a lot from my mental pain and its been too long now like this, theres nothing for which I'd be happy nothing that would bring at least little bit happiness but only suffering.
Hospital is no option its unfair that now i have to work on all these damages caused by my family on me, no therapy will ever heal me 100% and give me the life i always wanted but instead it'd led to a sad cripple life dependent on help and then theres the fact that i am too tired for that shit i don't want once again to give my life in the hands of the hands of the psycho industry and once again sit there on the sofa of the therapist and talk about all my shit life been there done that so often and it never helped me instead it made things worse.
Then I come the point that a miracle will not happen so i must ctb to end this suffering. Whenever i come to this point during my debate i get anxiety and i feel exhausted and stop the debate at this point like a little peace of shit who doesn't want to acccept reality and then I distract myself with nonsense like watching tv or smoking a cigarette only to come back again and again to this circle of bullshit debate…

I am afraid that if I continue like this I'll never ctb and continue to suffer continue being tortured day after day. How can I stop this debate and finally choose my date and die? I tried everything: writing, going for a walk, explaining to myself with rationality that the suicide is my only option but nothing helped so far. Should I maybe force myself to ctb?

Unbelievable I was so sure I could calm down before my ctb and have the mindset of nothing bothers me anymore i made my peace etc but nope not even in the last chapter of this shit life could I calm down but instead get even more stressed:(

Can anyone here please give some advice how I can end this nonsense debate? Really its absolutely unbearable my life I wake up and don't even know any longer what to do with my day. The day is filled with suffering and nothing else then the day ends and the same torture begins on the next day right after I open my eyes :(

 

[Dawnfang11]

I used to be in the same situation and came to the conclusion then that my only option is to do it "impulsively." I prepared everything and told myself that on the day where I feel compelled, I would just up and do it. This was years ago though; that day never came.

If I'm being honest though, nowadays my opinion is that ctb should never be something you do on impulse.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I used to be in the same situation and came to the conclusion then that my only option is to do it "impulsively." I prepared everything and told myself that on the day where I feel compelled, I would just up and do it. This was years ago though; that day never came.

If I'm being honest though, nowadays my opinion is that ctb should never be something you do on impulse.

Yes impulsive ctb is something that definitely happens but in my case its impossible because I don't live alone it all needs to be organized carefully but what I kinda start to realize is that the overthinking is the blockade this is what brakes me.
I tried it all as I said and nothing so far helped so I think now what could help is that I must tell myself the options that they're all shit (which they literally are)
I say no to a shit life like this
And I say no to fucking hospital and "seeking help"
So theres nothing that'll come
From nowhere and ends my suffering shit life only I can do that. And once i told myself that then I will tell myself that this is my decision and stop thinking if it will be necessary I might force myself to ctb and I'll also try alcohol which als btw increases a lot the likelihood of commiting suicide