Venting It seems to be my fault.

[Buh-bye!]

If you really want it If it's the most important thing to you uf it matters more than the other things, it's you who would show it in their actions. It's you who's literally not need to prove it or write or think about it, your actions would just show what you care the most about, your lifestyle will.

It has been you all along. It has been me all along doing this, prioritising other things over the important part of my life.
I'll end it all. I'll end it all.
I am just constantly blaming other things, other people for my weakness for my inability to fuckijbgv care about what I care about.
That is what not feeling sorry about yourself means, not actively blaming anything because you know the thing that matters to you is number fed up in your priority list. I don't even have a list.
ttgdadignhinhohhhyuifjudhygghgzgg,hte'thyfg,h54544v,bnn

 

[mysticatedwine]

what is it that you care about and are unable to care about?

 

[Buh-bye!]

I was just venting and I don't want to talk about it.
Thanks for asking though.

 

[Dejected 55]

Sometimes, though it isn't you... and it also isn't anyone else. Sometimes bad things happen and there was nothing you could have done differently to have changed it.

I'm for sure to blame for a lot of things in my life... but I've also had stretches where I didn't do anything obviously wrong that I or anyone else would have said was wrong... and I still failed anyway. It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. Sometimes it isn't your fault. Sometimes there is no one to blame. Sometimes it just is. It's easier when you can blame someone, even if you blame yourself, because then it feels like it makes sense or maybe next time can be better. When there is no blame or fault, it hurts worse.

 

[Buh-bye!]

I understand what you mean, and I appreciate the effort, to try to make me feel alright with what happened, to make me not blame myself. But the thing that I am talking about isn't one certain action or decision that altered something else, it's just a note to my own self to make myself realise that I have to start blaming my own self in order to fix things from my part. Night mate, bye !

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sometimes, though it isn't you... and it also isn't anyone else. Sometimes bad things happen and there was nothing you could have done differently to have changed it.

I'm for sure to blame for a lot of things in my life... but I've also had stretches where I didn't do anything obviously wrong that I or anyone else would have said was wrong... and I still failed anyway. It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. Sometimes it isn't your fault. Sometimes there is no one to blame. Sometimes it just is. It's easier when you can blame someone, even if you blame yourself, because then it feels like it makes sense or maybe next time can be better. When there is no blame or fault, it hurts worse.

I agree that it can be shitty circumstances. Even people who negatively affect our lives. When is it actually over or too late or, impossible to change though? Certain things certainly can become harder to change. If what we want depends on others- we also have to hope they change their opinion of us. I think in many ways though, there are usually still choices we can make. We've possibly only totally failed if we decide to give up. Even then though, is it failure if it's a conscious decision to quit?

If we know what we want, we know the likely difficulties in achieving it. We maybe regret the ways we have or haven't tried to achieve the thing in the past- we still have choices. We either abandon all hope- see it as an impossibility. Blame whoever we prefer- ourselves, our circumstances, our brains, others, society. Or, now we know we've been going about it the wrong way, we try a different way.

While I hate toxic possitivity and you're within your rights to tell me to bugger off OP, maybe it's good that you've come to the realisation that your former and current way of working towards what you want isn't working. It gives you the chance to stop it and figure out what might work better. Then, it's down to you I suppose on whether the new effort required seems worth it. I hope you find a way.

 

[Buh-bye!]

I agree that it can be shitty circumstances. Even people who negatively affect our lives. When is it actually over or too late or, impossible to change though? Certain things certainly can become harder to change. If what we want depends on others- we also have to hope they change their opinion of us. I think in many ways though, there are usually still choices we can make. We've possibly only totally failed if we decide to give up. Even then though, is it failure if it's a conscious decision to quit?

If we know what we want, we know the likely difficulties in achieving it. We maybe regret the ways we have or haven't tried to achieve the thing in the past- we still have choices. We either abandon all hope- see it as an impossibility. Blame whoever we prefer- ourselves, our circumstances, our brains, others, society. Or, now we know we've been going about it the wrong way, we try a different way.

While I hate toxic possitivity and you're within your rights to tell me to bugger off OP, maybe it's good that you've come to the realisation that your former and current way of working towards what you want isn't working. It gives you the chance to stop it and figure out what might work better. Then, it's down to you I suppose on whether the new effort required seems worth it. I hope you find a way.

I agree. I had just been blaming everything on my surrounds and the way life is, just calling everything unfair ( which it surely is ) but without realising how crippled this line of thought was making me ( because I wanted to continue ). I definitely realised it now that every decision I am making, actively, is like a small step which eventually decides my final destination. It took time for me to come out of my coping and everything, months of contemplating Suicide, in order to realize what I really seem to want, at least from my own self. I appreciate you writing this, I'll bookmark this for future reading ( I just have to make notes and read things again and again to keep those thoughts in my head ). Thank you so much. Even everybody above who replied. I don't mean to say bugger off to anyone, it's just that I am not good with conversations especially when I just come here for anxiety dumps sometimes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree. I had just been blaming everything on my surrounds and the way life is, just calling everything unfair ( which it surely is ) but without realising how crippled this line of thought was making me ( because I wanted to continue ). I definitely realised it now that every decision I am making, actively, is like a small step which eventually decides my final destination. It took time for me to come out of my coping and everything, months of contemplating Suicide, in order to realize what I really seem to want, at least from my own self. I appreciate you writing this, I'll bookmark this for future reading ( I just have to make notes and read things again and again to keep those thoughts in my head ). Thank you so much. Even everybody above who replied. I don't mean to say bugger off to anyone, it's just that I am not good with conversations especially when I just come here for anxiety dumps sometimes.

I think it's fine to some extent to feel sorry for ourselves. To recognise that some of the shit in our past has really thrown us and, that it's hard to get over. But yeah, ultimately we are responsible to the larger extent what we do next. (I feel.)

Which is difficult in itself I think. I certainly haven't always made the best choices. Sometimes, they've just felt too scary or, not worth it. To realise we can choose though I suppose can enpower us to try at least. I hope you find the strength to try out some new paths maybe and, I hope you get rewarded with some success.