Utter_emptiness
I hate myself
- Dec 22, 2022
- 30
I relapsed, it's been a while since I last dwelled on the idea of suicide for longer than a day. The past week was an emotional mess and I can't stop crying while thinking of ways to ctb.
I think convincing myself that my life is worth living is ridiculous atp and I should just gather enough courage to commit suicide. It's atrocious how I'm only getting worse mentally, while life goes on, and people move forward. No one can ever put up with me, I'm an awful human being and a disgusting selfish piece of shit, add to that my big emotions and you get a mess in the shape of a person.
All I do is cry and get extremely angry. All I do is complain and be worried. I'm a privileged fuck, yet my brain will never allow me to live normally. Always hypersensitive to everything and everyone and always complaining and/or crying. Can I ever allow myself to just exist peacefully?
It's crazy how there was a time in which life indeed sucked, but at least I had myself in a way, my morals were intact, I was less insecure, more mentally stable, and less emotionally reactive. I cared about everyone for fuck's sale, I was empathetic. When I used to fall into the suicidal mindset before, I would go out of my way to donate money, try to make another person happy and to make them not feel what I was currently feeling.
Now, I lost myself, I lost my brain sharpness and I feel like I'm slowly heading towards dementia. I became shallow, more angry and judgmental. I became less helpful, more selfish. I turned into a cynical fuck who has the worst trust issues, and is above all such a fucking hypocrite.
Don't get me started on my emotions, they're all over the place, the messiest mess you can think of. I'm either crying 24/7 or getting angry over the most trivial shit. And when I'm angry, i say the meanest things, like actual venom spilling out of my mouth, and it's happening so often that my apologies feel fake and pointless.
I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of how the loneliness I experience on a regular basis is turning me into the most awful person there is. It's turning me into someone I would've definitely hated as an innocent girl before I got ruined by this world.
I worry about what I might do when I get into one of those dissociative rage episodes.
I worry that I might hurt people who are only trying to survive.
I fear that I'm only ruining myself and my body more with how terrible I've been treating both of them recently.
Everyone left me at this point, which I deserve ig, I really am too much, I can't imagine anyone dealing with me.
Like picture this, a whiny angry crybaby bitching and moaning about how her feelings got hurt because someone didn't say hello in a happy tone. I would literally kill myself if I had to deal with me for more than a day.
I wish I can get a lobotomy, maybe then I will be happy.
Idk what to do atp, I'm failing mentally, professionally, academically and so on.
I've been thinking about attempting again this June, and picking a more violent method this time, something that'd guarantee my death, like putting my head on a train track.
My family thinks I'm such a loser and a mess, that refuses help and is lazy as fuck so I think I would be doing them a favor. I am failing university either way, and that was the last bit of belief they had on me.
I think convincing myself that my life is worth living is ridiculous atp and I should just gather enough courage to commit suicide. It's atrocious how I'm only getting worse mentally, while life goes on, and people move forward. No one can ever put up with me, I'm an awful human being and a disgusting selfish piece of shit, add to that my big emotions and you get a mess in the shape of a person.
All I do is cry and get extremely angry. All I do is complain and be worried. I'm a privileged fuck, yet my brain will never allow me to live normally. Always hypersensitive to everything and everyone and always complaining and/or crying. Can I ever allow myself to just exist peacefully?
It's crazy how there was a time in which life indeed sucked, but at least I had myself in a way, my morals were intact, I was less insecure, more mentally stable, and less emotionally reactive. I cared about everyone for fuck's sale, I was empathetic. When I used to fall into the suicidal mindset before, I would go out of my way to donate money, try to make another person happy and to make them not feel what I was currently feeling.
Now, I lost myself, I lost my brain sharpness and I feel like I'm slowly heading towards dementia. I became shallow, more angry and judgmental. I became less helpful, more selfish. I turned into a cynical fuck who has the worst trust issues, and is above all such a fucking hypocrite.
Don't get me started on my emotions, they're all over the place, the messiest mess you can think of. I'm either crying 24/7 or getting angry over the most trivial shit. And when I'm angry, i say the meanest things, like actual venom spilling out of my mouth, and it's happening so often that my apologies feel fake and pointless.
I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of how the loneliness I experience on a regular basis is turning me into the most awful person there is. It's turning me into someone I would've definitely hated as an innocent girl before I got ruined by this world.
I worry about what I might do when I get into one of those dissociative rage episodes.
I worry that I might hurt people who are only trying to survive.
I fear that I'm only ruining myself and my body more with how terrible I've been treating both of them recently.
Everyone left me at this point, which I deserve ig, I really am too much, I can't imagine anyone dealing with me.
Like picture this, a whiny angry crybaby bitching and moaning about how her feelings got hurt because someone didn't say hello in a happy tone. I would literally kill myself if I had to deal with me for more than a day.
I wish I can get a lobotomy, maybe then I will be happy.
Idk what to do atp, I'm failing mentally, professionally, academically and so on.
I've been thinking about attempting again this June, and picking a more violent method this time, something that'd guarantee my death, like putting my head on a train track.
My family thinks I'm such a loser and a mess, that refuses help and is lazy as fuck so I think I would be doing them a favor. I am failing university either way, and that was the last bit of belief they had on me.
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