It never feels real.

[Mart]

I don't feel like I have much of a fear of ctbing because it never feels real. Doesn't feel like a big thing, just another thing that's going to happen. Makes me worry that when the time actually comes, I'm gonna get cold feet.

 

[Circles]

I don't feel like I have much of a fear of ctbing because it never feels real. Doesn't feel like a big thing, just another thing that's going to happen. Makes me worry that when the time actually comes, I'm gonna get cold feet.

Yea it's basically like sleep walking through life going from one thing to the next until you reach a dead end. Choosing to not exist is supposed to be the most important decision we as sentient beings can make, and yet I feel indifferent about it. Thinking and planning about it constantly feels way different compared to when you feel ready to do the act itself.

 

[mrwonderful]

I am relieved that I have an escape route, it makes me happy

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't feel like I have much of a fear of ctbing because it never feels real. Doesn't feel like a big thing, just another thing that's going to happen. Makes me worry that when the time actually comes, I'm gonna get cold feet.

Maybe it's not for you. Maybe it's just ideation without intent. Nothing wrong with that.
I have obsessed over trying to get myself comfortable with doing it since I was six years old, and I still get cold feet/SI when I try to ctb.

Yea it's basically like sleep walking through life going from one thing to the next until you reach a dead end. Choosing to not exist is supposed to be the most important decision we as sentient beings can make, and yet I feel indifferent about it. Thinking and planning about it constantly feels way different compared to when you feel ready to do the act itself.

I think it's a good sign. Maybe your mind feels numb because it's no longer fighting, it accepts it. Maybe the sleepwalk- feeling just means you have conquered SI.

 

[lynn14]

Interesting. Life itself feels very surreal, the act of ctb is just the final action in a long series of actions that are all just as surreal. Life is but a dream.

 

[Weems]

I don't feel like I have much of a fear of ctbing because it never feels real. Doesn't feel like a big thing, just another thing that's going to happen. Makes me worry that when the time actually comes, I'm gonna get cold feet.

Maybe @not_a_robot is on to something and you're not that close yet. I always sorta-kinda thought I'd be courageous enough for suicide if things got too bad. But now that my life situation and mental state are looking unfixable I'm afraid. Suicide is, uh, big. It's choosing to end everything forever. It's such an immense responsibility.

OTOH when you get serious about suicidal intent your concept of death starts changing. Not sure what I'm gonna think I'm a week.

 

[Mart]

Maybe @not_a_robot is on to something and you're not that close yet. I always sorta-kinda thought I'd be courageous enough for suicide if things got too bad. But now that my life situation and mental state are looking unfixable I'm afraid. Suicide is, uh, big. It's choosing to end everything forever. It's such an immense responsibility.

OTOH when you get serious about suicidal intent your concept of death starts changing. Not sure what I'm gonna think I'm a week.

I know it's going to happen. I've lost the only people that mattered to me and I know it's unfixable. I know my game plan. Just doesn't feel real no matter how inevitable it feels. All I know is I'm miserable and I gotta go.

 

[Weems]

I know it's going to happen. I've lost the only people that mattered to me and I know it's unfixable. I know my game plan. Just doesn't feel real no matter how inevitable it feels. All I know is I'm miserable and I gotta go.

Gotcha. Well I wish you the most peaceful last days possible. In a way it's not real, right? Where death is, I am not...

 

[throwaway123]

I don't feel like I have much of a fear of ctbing because it never feels real. Doesn't feel like a big thing, just another thing that's going to happen. Makes me worry that when the time actually comes, I'm gonna get cold feet.

this is actually what happened on my last attempt. I can't come to terms with it. I keep living in this bubble. Whenever I really start to think about CTB I get panic attacks.