WishfulNeanderthal
Wishing for better times
- Apr 18, 2025
- 90
Hello everyone, I am new to this forum, but I have been lurking for quite some time.
For this post, I wanted to vent a bit, and to preface this with that my SI is not about hate (self-hate, hating others, society etc) instead its just being tired.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and autism since I was 13 years old. I'm 25 years old now. That's 12 years of struggling, although I have had good moments and even a gap where I wasn't as suicidal (and even went to uni and got a bachelor's). I am not actively suicidal; instead, I would say I am sporadically suicidal.
I have been going to therapy, and it has worked for the anxiety. But for the SI, I contacted the local psychiatry (something I was used to doing when I was a teenager, due to being misdiagnosed as bipolar and put on 3 medications that resulted in an attempt), and while I do understand that they cannot see the full picture often. The fact that they put me on the same medication (one of the medications) that resulted in an attempt before is just strange.
I do recognize that I have a pretty good life, I look decent, have loving parents and relatives, and I live in a place that has a support structure. But at the same time, I think even if I had the perfect life, the perfect partner, and everything. That I would still be suicidal.
I am very tired, my mind is tired of fighting and instead of the impulsivity that painted my previous attempt. I think that the CTB that im inching closer to each day is going to be driven by logical planning and reasoning. The only thing stopping me right now is the fact that there is a high chance that my mother will try to CTB if i do succeed.
For now, I will try, both through medication and psychedelics (Something I do not recommend to everyone since it has a high risk for certain people). But im inching closer.
I don't hate myself, the world, or people; I am just tired.
For this post, I wanted to vent a bit, and to preface this with that my SI is not about hate (self-hate, hating others, society etc) instead its just being tired.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and autism since I was 13 years old. I'm 25 years old now. That's 12 years of struggling, although I have had good moments and even a gap where I wasn't as suicidal (and even went to uni and got a bachelor's). I am not actively suicidal; instead, I would say I am sporadically suicidal.
I have been going to therapy, and it has worked for the anxiety. But for the SI, I contacted the local psychiatry (something I was used to doing when I was a teenager, due to being misdiagnosed as bipolar and put on 3 medications that resulted in an attempt), and while I do understand that they cannot see the full picture often. The fact that they put me on the same medication (one of the medications) that resulted in an attempt before is just strange.
I do recognize that I have a pretty good life, I look decent, have loving parents and relatives, and I live in a place that has a support structure. But at the same time, I think even if I had the perfect life, the perfect partner, and everything. That I would still be suicidal.
I am very tired, my mind is tired of fighting and instead of the impulsivity that painted my previous attempt. I think that the CTB that im inching closer to each day is going to be driven by logical planning and reasoning. The only thing stopping me right now is the fact that there is a high chance that my mother will try to CTB if i do succeed.
For now, I will try, both through medication and psychedelics (Something I do not recommend to everyone since it has a high risk for certain people). But im inching closer.
I don't hate myself, the world, or people; I am just tired.
