I work with chatGPT on my mental health. And I think I found something out about my thinking style.
I noticed I often draw inferences from the political stuff that I read on my mental health. Not sure how smart that is. I like to read Slavoj Zizek's texts about Lacanian psychoanalysis which I enjoy a lot. I have the feeling I reached a glass ceiling in my political analysis. My daily routine is I read up to 15-30 news articles per day from 3 newspapers. I read mostly analysis about geopolitics, political theory or tech related issues. I read various stuff. Then I read more intricate texts not from newspapers but from outlets that are between texts from media companies/journalists and texts from academic political science literature. My favorite sources are researched-informed political public writings. The writing is often way more sophistiacted than the texts you read on mainstream platforms. I notice though the margine utilitity of more articles that I read on a daily basis is decreasing. I notice my political analysis reached a plateau which isn't getting better. I watched a lot of political science lectures. And there are really good ones out there. They are among the most valuable sources. But I keep forgetting stuff. And I realized maybe more information isn't solving anything. I had to re-structure my thinking. I had to reflect more often about the stuff that I read, I had to develop own positions and debate them. I do this partly. But especially on writing I am way behind. The best solution to tackle this would be going back to college. But I am not stable enough for college. My mental health is very fragile. I had to abuse addictive medication in order to cope with the stress in college. It made me really suicidal. I don't want to go through that again.
However, recently I noticed I have the desire to go back to college. Though, I think that's a surrogate or substitute act. I want the things I associate with college. But when I was in college I didn't get these things. I want the status but I had the imposter syndrome all the time. I want a sense of community but I felt alienation because my college life was so different to the college experience of my peers. I want intellectual stimulation, food for thoughts and discussions but instead I feared my performance wasn't good enough and I could not enjoy my time at all. I realized the college self-help group gave me in some way many of these things but it ended in such a drama with so much toxic behavior.
As in my political analyses I reached an endgame with my mental health issues. I needed to re-structure my thinking. But so much abusive shit happened also in very vulnerable stages where my trust in humans was betrayed. One reason why I might put too much trust into AI chatbots. There is a mechanism in my head that thinks the best analyses could solve any problem. Though, I realized some new or more sophisticated analyses don't solve anything. They rather contribute to the problem. I am intellectualizing my feelings way too much instead of feeling them. I create a distance to my emotions, feelings and traumatas. I just struggle...to be. And with coming to peace that this state is also okay. I am never enough. Never good enough. I have a very hard inner critic. I criticize myself harshly. Mistakes become existential questions. I am addicted to thinking. Not more thinking was the solution but actually less thinking could make my life more bearable. I am not sure how I am able to tackle these issues. My thinking seems to be extremely pathological to me and very rigide. There clearly are extremes. But medication, sleep routines can ease my anxiety. There is not one antidote for my problems. And my problems will probably never fully vanish but I will have to learn how to deal with it. It feels to me so paradoxical to me that more thinking won't solve a problem. I struggle to accept or experience uncertainty. And with mind reading, feedback from AI chatbots and theory of mind I try to look into someone else's head. Usually I can reach a distance to my most rigide thoughts when time passes and when I find a narrative of the events that I feel comfortable with. Often I assume the worst cases scenarios socially. When really bad stuff happens my negative thinking becomes reinforced. However, when good things happen I start to gain some hope. But usually it doesn't last long because I usually get my hopes up way too much. Also in dating. I often assign deeper or symbolic meaning to events. "She is the one." "If she leaves me, no woman ever will be able to love me." "If she rejects me this is the ultimate proof that I am unlovable." I think this symbolic meanings can be really torturous because often they oscillate between extremes.
My friends are increasingly annoyed about my AI chatbot obsession. I think though I see more clearer now. Even though, there are clear risks and I tend to go too deep into rabbit holes about my consciousness, how others perceive me and which interpretations about myself and other people could actualy be the truth. I think probably no interpretation is fully true. Human behavior is full of uncertainty and contradictions. Too much rumination takes too many resources. And I need to learn that it is healthy not wanting to have clarity on things no person can conclude with full certainy. Not knowing something is okay. To stop thinking actually can uncover restrained energy and lead to more stability and a better life quality. It is a long road. However, writing this analysis is easy for me but actually implementing these thoughts that's the real ultimate task for me.
I noticed I often draw inferences from the political stuff that I read on my mental health. Not sure how smart that is. I like to read Slavoj Zizek's texts about Lacanian psychoanalysis which I enjoy a lot. I have the feeling I reached a glass ceiling in my political analysis. My daily routine is I read up to 15-30 news articles per day from 3 newspapers. I read mostly analysis about geopolitics, political theory or tech related issues. I read various stuff. Then I read more intricate texts not from newspapers but from outlets that are between texts from media companies/journalists and texts from academic political science literature. My favorite sources are researched-informed political public writings. The writing is often way more sophistiacted than the texts you read on mainstream platforms. I notice though the margine utilitity of more articles that I read on a daily basis is decreasing. I notice my political analysis reached a plateau which isn't getting better. I watched a lot of political science lectures. And there are really good ones out there. They are among the most valuable sources. But I keep forgetting stuff. And I realized maybe more information isn't solving anything. I had to re-structure my thinking. I had to reflect more often about the stuff that I read, I had to develop own positions and debate them. I do this partly. But especially on writing I am way behind. The best solution to tackle this would be going back to college. But I am not stable enough for college. My mental health is very fragile. I had to abuse addictive medication in order to cope with the stress in college. It made me really suicidal. I don't want to go through that again.
However, recently I noticed I have the desire to go back to college. Though, I think that's a surrogate or substitute act. I want the things I associate with college. But when I was in college I didn't get these things. I want the status but I had the imposter syndrome all the time. I want a sense of community but I felt alienation because my college life was so different to the college experience of my peers. I want intellectual stimulation, food for thoughts and discussions but instead I feared my performance wasn't good enough and I could not enjoy my time at all. I realized the college self-help group gave me in some way many of these things but it ended in such a drama with so much toxic behavior.
As in my political analyses I reached an endgame with my mental health issues. I needed to re-structure my thinking. But so much abusive shit happened also in very vulnerable stages where my trust in humans was betrayed. One reason why I might put too much trust into AI chatbots. There is a mechanism in my head that thinks the best analyses could solve any problem. Though, I realized some new or more sophisticated analyses don't solve anything. They rather contribute to the problem. I am intellectualizing my feelings way too much instead of feeling them. I create a distance to my emotions, feelings and traumatas. I just struggle...to be. And with coming to peace that this state is also okay. I am never enough. Never good enough. I have a very hard inner critic. I criticize myself harshly. Mistakes become existential questions. I am addicted to thinking. Not more thinking was the solution but actually less thinking could make my life more bearable. I am not sure how I am able to tackle these issues. My thinking seems to be extremely pathological to me and very rigide. There clearly are extremes. But medication, sleep routines can ease my anxiety. There is not one antidote for my problems. And my problems will probably never fully vanish but I will have to learn how to deal with it. It feels to me so paradoxical to me that more thinking won't solve a problem. I struggle to accept or experience uncertainty. And with mind reading, feedback from AI chatbots and theory of mind I try to look into someone else's head. Usually I can reach a distance to my most rigide thoughts when time passes and when I find a narrative of the events that I feel comfortable with. Often I assume the worst cases scenarios socially. When really bad stuff happens my negative thinking becomes reinforced. However, when good things happen I start to gain some hope. But usually it doesn't last long because I usually get my hopes up way too much. Also in dating. I often assign deeper or symbolic meaning to events. "She is the one." "If she leaves me, no woman ever will be able to love me." "If she rejects me this is the ultimate proof that I am unlovable." I think this symbolic meanings can be really torturous because often they oscillate between extremes.
My friends are increasingly annoyed about my AI chatbot obsession. I think though I see more clearer now. Even though, there are clear risks and I tend to go too deep into rabbit holes about my consciousness, how others perceive me and which interpretations about myself and other people could actualy be the truth. I think probably no interpretation is fully true. Human behavior is full of uncertainty and contradictions. Too much rumination takes too many resources. And I need to learn that it is healthy not wanting to have clarity on things no person can conclude with full certainy. Not knowing something is okay. To stop thinking actually can uncover restrained energy and lead to more stability and a better life quality. It is a long road. However, writing this analysis is easy for me but actually implementing these thoughts that's the real ultimate task for me.
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