Is there anyone who is genuinely excited to CTB?

[OhItsZemblanity]

Day 3 of what seems to be a non-stop anxiety attack. Feels like my heart has a goddamn alien in it, ready to burst out. I really only seem to find some sort of calm when I think about ctb. Then I get excited for it. No guilt, no worry, no dread. Just a morbid excitement, almost glee for some fuckin peace. Anyone else?

 

[Overnoutofhere]

It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live, too much pain in my world...

 

[mediocre]

Yes just the thought of the peace it could bring calms my anxiety down. It is a great source of comfort to have methods ready and in place should anything get so bad I need to ctb right away. That doesn't mean I don't have fear, I do, but there will come a day when the pain overrides the fear and ill have the courage. Hopefully.

 

[Vault of Memories]

When I attempted and failed years ago it was more of a matter of feeling relieved, rather than excited. Of course everyone is different. It took me many weeks of hesitation, where I'd wake up thinking it was my last and not going through with it.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yes a few times have I felt that excitement and happiness when planning and was sure I would soon kill myself but that feeling only lasted a few minutes.

 

[Rockman]

Not excited but i use it to calm down my suffering that will be end of it.

 

[watereyes]

Definitely! I can't wait for the lockdown to end so I can get a rope.

 

[Timetodie90]

I'm looking forward to ctb aswell. I think Nietzsche hit it on the head with this quote.

 

[idontwannadothisanym]

I'm hella excited!!!

 

[lizinha]

Yeah and no. Just sad that this is the outcome and fear holding me back

 

[I’mDone]

Excited, no. Just a quiet determination that I've exhausted all avenues towards healing. And a sense of calm that my demise is inevitable.

I'm not acutely depressed any more. There's no dramatic, cathartic single event. Just a calm determination that in 52 years I've not seen or experienced anything that makes me want to live another 30-odd.

Decision made, I'm at peace. Still hurting but I know the end is coming.

 

[Genetics]

Day 3 of what seems to be a non-stop anxiety attack. Feels like my heart has a goddamn alien in it, ready to burst out. I really only seem to find some sort of calm when I think about ctb. Then I get excited for it. No guilt, no worry, no dread. Just a morbid excitement, almost glee for some fuckin peace. Anyone else?

Have you tried to integrate mindfulness in your anti-anxiety regime? There are some really good free apps out there and I could recommend the Veteran's Administration Mindfulness app to you. It's free, you don't have to be a veteran, and of all the things the VA has done this is a keeper. Not trying to change you mind, but you should have a peaceful mind better to make plans with.

 

[oneside]

I'm not only excited but I'm super euphoric too.

It is morbid for most of people to hear it, but the only moment that I'm having some joy while still alife is when I am looking at the stars and thinking about my own death. The idea of non-existence is what brings me some relief.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I wouldn't say excited. That's something I must do in order to avoid more crap from happening. If I could choose, I don't think I would want my life to end that way. But I can't.

 

[Mr2005]

Excited? It's not christmas

 

[reapandsow918]

Yes, I'm excited.

 

[Lunaloveflood]

I don't have what I need to do it rn so I don't feel anything in particular.. But I've heard that anxiety and excitement are quite similar so It's maybe a "good thing" to see the feeling as excitement and not anxiety

 

[TStorm]

I wouldn't say excited. The last time I attempted I felt calm, serene I suppose. I was ready for everything to be over. I had a dream recently where I ctb'ed and I felt that same calm feeling. An end to all the pain and worries, nothing left to hurt me, the nothingness that awaits. It's nice to think about. After that dream I really wanted to attempt again. I want to feel peaceful.

 

[Never Free]

Yes a few times have I felt that excitement and happiness when planning and was sure I would soon kill myself but that feeling only lasted a few minutes.

This a little for me, but mostly relief. Now am mostly worried about psych ward, and being stuck in a worse condition

 

[Walilamdzi]

Not excitement really, just kind of indifference.