Is procrastinating on ctb even possible?

[sadsillygoose]

This is my first rant here, so I'm sorry if my thoughts are a little disorganized.

I've been feeling like shit since I was 13, I've been a living corpse since then.
I'm 21 now and I still don't know why I am here.
I study in a shitty college, never been in a relationship, no chances of ever getting a job.
Hell, I can't even take care of myself or even get out of bed on most days, and honestly I'm past shaming myself for this.
I just feel numb to all of it.

I keep asking myself "What's the point?" Even if I do get in a relationship or find a job, I would still find a way to make myself unhappy.
People will get tired and disappointed, either from me being the judgmental yapping person that I am or my true self who just cries about every single thing.
Nothing is going to fix my life, the sole reason of my existence is to please people around me.
That could be the only explanation right? No matter what I do, it isn't for myself, its because I don't want people to judge me.

Before the idea of dying used to scare me and I would cry a lot about it, but now I can think about ending it without any strong emotions.
The problem is that I don't even have enough mental energy to decide how to do it let alone make a plan and every single method has a chance of survival.
"I'm too tired" or "I'll deal with this later", people say that when they are procrastinating, and I'm here procrastinating on doing the very thing that will set me free from all this bs.

Is it normal to feel this way?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum.

It probably isn't entirely normal but then, I feel this way too. Maybe it's just to do with hope vs. reality. I think the hope is we'll study a subject we find interesting, go on to work in the same field- we find interesting and rewarding. Or- we decide we have other needs we would prefer to fulfil- hobbies, travelling, relationships- so maybe we just focus on earning money to support that lifestyle.

I think the reality- sadly can turn out differently though. We may become bored or disillusioned with our course or job. It may all just seem too difficult and not worth the effort. Not everyone does find a partner or makes friends easily. I don't know that it's exactly abnormal. It makes a sort of sense to me. We can hardly help going off something and we aren't going to be motivated about things we don't care about.

At the same time- so much is expected of us. Mainly I suppose because parents can't always and don't want to fund us our whole lives. And they know it requires money to live. Plus, I suppose they complied to the capitalist system so- they likely think we should too- as a matter of course.

It also makes sense to fear suicide too. Seeing as reliable and peaceful methods are often off limit to us- we're left with taking big risks. It's logical too- to figure we don't want to end up making life even worse for ourselves. With possibly serious consequences for failing an attempt, psyche stays, time off work, everyone knowing.

I'd say the thoughts you are having are very common amongst people here. Whether or not they are normal.

 

[sadsillygoose]

Welcome to the forum.

It probably isn't entirely normal but then, I feel this way too. Maybe it's just to do with hope vs. reality. I think the hope is we'll study a subject we find interesting, go on to work in the same field- we find interesting and rewarding. Or- we decide we have other needs we would prefer to fulfil- hobbies, travelling, relationships- so maybe we just focus on earning money to support that lifestyle.

I think the reality- sadly can turn out differently though. We may become bored or disillusioned with our course or job. It may all just seem too difficult and not worth the effort. Not everyone does find a partner or makes friends easily. I don't know that it's exactly abnormal. It makes a sort of sense to me. We can hardly help going off something and we aren't going to be motivated about things we don't care about.

At the same time- so much is expected of us. Mainly I suppose because parents can't always and don't want to fund us our whole lives. And they know it requires money to live. Plus, I suppose they complied to the capitalist system so- they likely think we should too- as a matter of course.

It also makes sense to fear suicide too. Seeing as reliable and peaceful methods are often off limit to us- we're left with taking big risks. It's logical too- to figure we don't want to end up making life even worse for ourselves. With possibly serious consequences for failing an attempt, psyche stays, time off work, everyone knowing.

I'd say the thoughts you are having are very common amongst people here. Whether or not they are normal.

Thank you, for welcoming me and for telling me that its valid to feel this way.

There are moments of clarity or hope, but they get easily washed away by the sad reality.
Whenever I think about even a slightly positive future, even if its just tomorrow, I just remind myself that I'm being too naive and unrealistic.
I hope I can break free from this - either by becoming a functioning member of society, or by simply ending it all.

 

[Kazu Ha]

Before the idea of dying used to scare me and I would cry a lot about it, but now I can think about ending it without any strong emotions.
The problem is that I don't even have enough mental energy to decide how to do it let alone make a plan and every single method has a chance of survival.
"I'm too tired" or "I'll deal with this later", people say that when they are procrastinating, and I'm here procrastinating on doing the very thing that will set me free from all this bs.

Is it normal to feel this way?

I can still remember crying for days and having panic attacks. Especially when the suicidal thoughts were really kicking in.
Now I just feel numb and empty.

And yet I'm still here, even though nothing in my life has changed. I'm still lonely and my social anxiety limits me a lot.

It's okay if you're still unsure. Sadly, I know how awful that feels. Suicide isn't easy...

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you, for welcoming me and for telling me that its valid to feel this way.

There are moments of clarity or hope, but they get easily washed away by the sad reality.
Whenever I think about even a slightly positive future, even if its just tomorrow, I just remind myself that I'm being too naive and unrealistic.
I hope I can break free from this - either by becoming a functioning member of society, or by simply ending it all.

It's not necessarily silly to follow hopes and dreams. Obviously, we need some realism but then, a lot in life involves taking a risk. So long as we are still pursuing- I think that's the more major issue. If we become too negative and pessimistic, we may just stop trying all together. And things (in my experience) don't tend to change unless we put in the effort to change them.

I think it's also important to acknowledge that most people encounter set backs here and there. It doesn't necessarily mean the whole ambition was fool hardy. I think we seem to pick up a very unhelpful fear and dread of failure and making a mistake when- it's sometimes more helpful to realise that we sometimes make mistakes because we're stretching ourselves- which is good. Plus, we can learn much more from them.

I suppose my hope for everyone is that they find their way through to a fulfilling life but then, it would be hypocritical for me to believe everyone will.

 

[sadsillygoose]

The combination of feeling sad along with so much dread that it leads to panic attacks sounds so mentally and emotionally exhausting,
I'm sorry you went through that.
No matter where life takes both of us, I hope that even if its just for a day we find one good reason to keep existing a little longer.

I can still remember crying for days and having panic attacks. Especially when the suicidal thoughts were really kicking in.
Now I just feel numb and empty.

And yet I'm still here, even though nothing in my life has changed. I'm still lonely and my social anxiety limits me a lot.

It's okay if you're still unsure. Sadly, I know how awful that feels. Suicide isn't easy...

 

[kuroshimi]

Welcome.

I understand. I guess it's not "procrastination" in usual sense of the word, but rather some uncertainty and unwillingness to take risks. Also. personally, I have some hope and desire to experience things left. But the idea of dying is becoming more appealing to me and I feeling numb about it.

It's okay to be unsure about it though. It's not an easy decision.

 

[BlockedintheUK]

Feels similar to me dying takes a huge amount of commitment and work and I am far too tired.